~~I'm so very tired.........

[~Phoenix~]

Here it is another holiday.. a time for family and I am alone with my 11 year old daughter for the 8th year in a row. I am so tired of reaching out to ppl only to find out that in the long run all they really care about are their own families. All I ever wanted was to have my own family.. to "adopt" those that don't.. and to have my life's puzzle complete. I was married at one point to a drug addict.. I was the most loyal wife and after all his abuse.. he was the one that left me. I/we are better off without him, that is for sure. But, omg, I am so so so so lonely. I love my daughter to pieces, but I am so very tired of being a single parent. So very tired... I never get a break.. and I never have enough money or time. There are times that I think she would be better off without me, but I know that isn't true.. because you see, I am the ONLY one she has... she is the ONLY one I have. That is sad. It is one thing as an adult to be lonely.. but no child should ever be lonely... they should be spoiled by grandmas, aunts, uncles, teachers, etc... but it is just us.. and I don't know why no one cares.. it is not like we don't have a family..

The only time my phone rings is if it is a bill collector.. THEY manage to call me, but not a one of my so called friends/family. If I don't reach out to them, I would never talk to another living soul. I get tired of doing all the work all the time to nurture friendships. Am I not worth being a friend to? I guess not...

If I did not have my daughter, I'd have killed myself off a long time ago. I've tried 2 times.. before she was born.. once her dad poured the pills into my hand and said "go ahead". I feel like I was born to fulfill the universe's need for a punching bag. I've been molested, raped, beaten, abused emotionally, homeless, divorced, cheated on, ... you name it.. it has happened to me.. I'm 35 and I've had more happen in my life then most ppl live a lifetime for. My life is sad.. it always has been. I cannot remember a time when I was happy. I pray every night that God take both me and my daughter in our sleep. I'll never take my own life, purposely, I could never do that to her.. but I pray that same prayer every night... hoping to wake up in heaven.. I know I'll be free there.

I guess I've slowly been killing myself though. I have an eating disorder... I binge and then purge using ungodly amounts of laxatives. I get heart palpatations all the time. I take a prescription diet medication and boost it with caffeine pills.... until I am wired. I've dropped 100 pounds in the past 6 months by not eating and being wired all the time. No one says "omg!".. they say "good job on the weightloss.." I guess I've been so fat that as long as it comes off they don't care how. They don't seem to realize that I go days starving myself and depriving myself of even water... sure to lose weight, but mostly to punish myself.... to hurt myself physically... so that no one can get close enough to hurt me emotionally.

I am tired of my life... I do want it over... on this day, Easter, can't God come down and answer my prayer.. so I can be alive and free too... I know here on earth I never will be.

.........I'm so tired of crying........I'm so tired ........so very tired of everything.

~Phoenix

 

[twilightki]

I can understand your problems. Theres been many times where I felt like just...dying. Not necessarily committing suicide, but I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up dead. Ive found reasons to live though. It's very easy to give up on your own life, but when you have things you love tying you down, it's very hard to give up. Think about your daughter. Think about how it must feel to watch her mother do this to herself, and most of all, think about how she would feel if she would never see her mother again. You've had a rough life, and have been dealt a bad hand, but you can make it through. You may not be able to spoil your daughter with personal things, but spoil her with love. When I was a child, every time I was upset or something, I was given a toy, or some candy. Then left all on my own. They neglected what I really needed. I needed a hug, or a kiss on the cheek. A smile from someone I love. Give your daughter what she really needs.

 

[Robin]

My heart broke reading your post, you truly have had it bad and there's no denying that you have had to fight for survival and been spat at for living. There's no pity in my breaking voice though, it is the sound of sorrow at another human beings suffering and I think to myself without people such as yourself there would be no noble goals for society to aim for. You work tirelessly if not for yourself but for your daughter and do the very best you can and for that I not only admire your fortitude immensly but also respect you as a human being, one of whom this world could not do without and I'm sure the love of your daughter is that which drives you even when you are at your lowest. If you ever need a friend just drop me a line, or ask me to respond to a post if not many have, I want to be there for you in your time of crisis.

 

[gentlelady]

Phoenix, I understand exactly how you feel. Your life sounds much like what I have been/am dealing with. Life isn't always kind to those that try to do there best despite what has been handed to them. I know we don't each other and have not spoken, but I do care. I can tell by your post what a caring type of person you are. Your daughter is very lucky to have you. I wish things could be different for you right now, but they aren't. Please do not give up the hope that they won't always be like this. Someday you may meet the right people. Ones that will embrace you an your daughter in friendship and love. I do wish that for you. If you need someone to talk with PM me. We can see what we can figure out. Take care. :hug:

 

[~Phoenix~]

Another bad day....

First ... thank you for your replies.. you have no idea what they mean to me and I cannot even respond properly and for that I am sorry. Just know that I come here to re-read them quite abit.. sometimes it is what keeps me going.

But, today, is yet another sad day. I woke up and looked around my house and saw how cluttered things are and realized my life is like that as well... cluttered with nothing by broken pieces of friendship.

I have been reaching out to quite a few ppl lately... ppl that have known me for a while... and this is what happens... when I come to realization that I am doing ALL the work to maintain a connection... I pull back.. I won't call, IM, text, or email.. just to see if they connect with me... and EVERY SINGLE time... I get left alone. I am so tired of being alone.

The last post here, there are smileys hugging.. and do you know that made me cry. Silly, I know.. but do you know how long it has been since any other adult has put there arm around me in any sincere kind of way, because they wanted to? Sure, I get the obligated, barely touch you, pat you on the back as we fake hug.. at Christmas... but it has been years since I've had anyone come up to me and truely hug me. (except my daughter of course... but that is different she is a child... it's completely different knowing an adult cares that much)

I mean I cuddle with my daughter all the time, but I'll never let her feel responsible for my happiness or to comfort me. My mom did that to me... it was horrible to feel that at such a young age.

All I want is a best friend.... someone to call for no real reason... someone to be "my person" and for me to be "their person".... for me to feel wanted, needed, loved, and cared for.... and NOT ALONE.

I give and give to everyone that I know. I am the most loyal friend you would ever meet and I feel like for whatever reason I'm not good enough for anyone to call friend. Do you know that if bill collectors didn't call... my phone would NEVER ring?

I just dont' understand... I am so tired.. so very tired of my life... and I just wish God almighty would take both me and my daughter ... the sooner the better... my future only holds more pain and loneliness anyway.

((((((crying so very badly right now)))))) because the silence in my house is deafening....

Thank you, once again, for listening, love and hugs~

~Phoenix~

 

[Robin]

I've never been truly alone, though I do miss the companionship and someone to snugle up to at night. I've always had my immediate family and they've always been there for me, so in that respect I find it hard to relate how you feel, but I have been in a place with few friends and where noone calls and in that respect I can relate very much, I hope you settle in here and make some friends that will help improve your quality of life as it has mine

 

[Esmeralda]

Oh my Gosh Pheonix, it's almost like reading the story of my Mother's life!

She had me very young, and then had my brother when I was 12. Four years later, my Dad (her husband) was killed in a car accident. She was 32. So my Dad's brother, who was recently divorced, really took care of her for awhile (I mean, she was a basket case) and pretty soon she ended up marrying him (Hamlet anyone?). She moved away from her family and friends to a strange city to be with him, and he treated her like shit. No physical abuse, but really bad emotionally. She used my Dad's insurance to pay cash for a really nice house for them to live in and a year later, he left. He said he "didn't know who he was" and all that horseshit the therapist fed him. A few months later, he BEGGED her to take him back and finally, she did. Then, he started again with the emotional abuse (this time with my brother as well) and the "I don't know, I'm confused" crap. Finally, she threw him out. So she was a 36-year-old widow divorcee. The money was gone, and since my "uncle" was not my brother's biological father, even though he is loaded, he wouldn't pay for ANYTHING for him, and Texas is a no-fault divorce state, so no alimony. Mom went back to school so she could pay the bills and became a teacher. During this time all of her sisters and "friends" were in "I told you so" mode, which was helpful.

Meanwhile, step-dad found and moved in with someone (ouch!) and my Mom was just exhausted. She developed severe depression and chronic fatigue syndrome and found that the only guys who wanted to date her were like 55. She used to pray that the world would end because she was just so tired and lonely.

Well, now, the good news. Finally, (6 years later) I forced her to join Match.com, and after some very strange dates (one guy kept stuffing dinner rolls into his pocket), she met the man of her dreams! He is the same age and is one of the kindest men I have ever met. They married shortly afterwards and have been together ever since. She is so happy now.

I know you probably feel like the oldest 35-year-old in the world, but there really is hope. Try Match.com. It's really great for people who don't want to go clubbing or be set up on blind dates because you can somewhat get to know someone before going out. I really hope for the best for you and I know you are in a lot of pain, but you seem like a nice woman and a great Mom and I believe that there is someone out there who will treat you like a princess BTW, I can't imagine a person who would not want to be your friend. I already do and I don't even know you! Hang in there.

 

[~Phoenix~]

thank you all for everything you have said. It does drown out the demons that haunt me most of the time...

Tonight, though, those demons seem to be screaming at me.. reminding me that no man is going to want a used and discarded girl... I was molested by my father at 9 years old.. I've been damaged goods for a long time.. and over the years more ppl have only damaged me more. There is no way I can ever make any man's life whole... I can't complete anyone if I am broken to begin with.

I've always suffered with depression, but these past 6months since dropping this weight, I've unburied past pain that never got dealt with.. that I learned to bury with food at 9 years old... and only continued to bury more pain the older I got. So, I suppose after a triple digit weightloss there are demons to deal with... I just never thought I'd have to deal with them alone. I always imagined someone here to walk through it with me.. to hold me up when I was too weak from crying... to give me strength and wisdom... but that was an unfair thing to expect from anyone. So, I thank you for your suggestion on match.com.. but I could never expect any man to want or need me... not with how messed up I am. (plus, I believe it costs to join and I am on disability... yet, another good reason why I am alone.)

The thought that keeps coming to me right now is that once my daughter is done with school, out on her own, and successful.... then.....

........I'll have permission to end this pain once and for all.......

.............is it wrong that I wish that time would get here faster........

~Phoenix~ xxxx

 

[~Phoenix~]

Here are the lyrics for my life....

Does Anybody Hear Her? by Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?