I'm the pillar of strength, huh?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by korvida, May 26, 2012.

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  1. korvida

    korvida New Member

    Forgive me for intruding out of the blue and dumping this here, but I can't really talk about my burdens within my normal social circle. Started entertaining thoughts of suicide for the first time since my hormone-laden teenage years. Didn't want to clog up a crisis hotline. If I were to do anything, it would be for a while.

    Heh, I'm usually the one holding everyone else together - rock in the storm.

    On the surface, I'm one of those type-a workaholics. I don't really suffer from lack of self-esteem. I'm smart. I'm relatively good looking. Graduated near the top of my class. I'm capable and efficient. I have a network of friends and acquaintances. I was one of the popular girls in school. Not popular in the obnoxious blonde way, but in the sense of just being friends with all sorts of people. Ruled the playground with an iron fist until I ended up sent to the corner for roughhousing. But I've been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts since at least middle school, if not a little earlier. I probably have no right to, but there it is.

    It's not that I dislike people. I enjoy spending time with others, to a certain extent. I love making people laugh. The problem is, I never feel a connection to anyone. Never have. I can be surrounded by a whole group of people and still feel completely alone - sometimes more than I would if I were by myself. I never feel that spark of connection - romantic or platonic. I've only been 'close' to one person, and that relationship is all but over. Many acquaintances, a few friends, no companions. I get bored easily. The normal social rituals aren't my thing. I've never felt comfortable around most types of people. Like a different wavelength. It's been that way since... forever. Only the one close friend, who happened to be my only short-lived romantic relationship. I actively meet people, but that in itself is a disappointment, because I've yet to meet anyone else that I've gotten along with on a deep level. I'm not one for casual encounters.

    I had very strong ambitions and clear plans for my life. An otherwise benign disease will prevent me from ever following through with them (military service, now medically unfit due to a harmless auto-immune disease). Can't for the life of me come up with an alternative game plan. Every career sounds like a repetitive, boring death trap. I'd rather end it on my own terms, with dignity, before I get sucked into a lifetime of cubicles or repetitive labor. Money isn't an issue. I've never cared for money, and don't enjoy luxury purchases. Already hate the jobs I'm working since the forced-transition from my actual plan. Thinking of the future is like looking down the barrel of a life-sucking shotgun. I'm going to end up old, mind-numbed, and a slave to whatever employer I can suck up to the most (given the economy). Likely without family.

    Back at home due to financial circumstances. Parents at war with one another. Not something I'd be concerned about, but I routinely have to play the role of responsible adult while they spiral down into juvenile delinquency. Mother too crippled with anxieties to do much of anything, and father always throwing away money on luxury goods and otherwise acting like a self-concerned jerk that would rather hang out with his friends than be a loving spouse or parent. My brother - a young child - is undisciplined and sometimes neglected, so guess who gets to step in and take charge of that? Been that way since I was a teenager (presently 24).

    Several other friends emotionally distraught and suicidal - always helping them through their sorrows. I don't mind it, but, you know, always picking up the pieces of other broken people can be draining, and I've got no one to lean on to support me. It's always the other way around. You pile too much stress and pressure on a single pillar of strength, and that pillar starts to crack...

    I could deal with most of that. I think it's the solitude and feeling of isolation that gets to me the most. I just don't understand why I can't connect with people like everyone else does. I have high standards, I guess, but I never remember setting them. They just always were, and they can't be upended. I keep waiting to meet someone I respect and admire - an equal, if nothing else. I don't mean to say that I'm better than anyone. Just different. I'm tired of being alone. Have always felt older than my actual years. Never comfortable as a teenager or twentysomething, but also feel out of place amongst older people - not that getting over 30 is an automatic promotion to 'mature behavior.'

    And when I know I'm just going to keep on feeling lonely and disappointed, and knowing that most careers aren't all that interesting, I just have trouble seeing the point of it all. I'm not sadfaces and rainclouds - there's no overwhelming angst. It feels more clinical, controlled. My feelings are more along the lines of "I'm done." Just that. No longer think this game is fun. Eject disc, try a new one.

    Loneliness got to me today. Broke down into convulsing sobs when no one was watching. Suicidal thoughts came back for the first time since my teenage years. Just tired of feeling so alone all the time, especially given the responsibility I have to take on. It's one thing to work through your social anxieties and socialize more if you're insecure, but how do you force yourself to establish connections with people when you don't actually want their company? Just... not seeing a happy future ahead. Career-wise or companionship-wise.

    Considered how I might go about ending it, but my mother - who is already a nervous wreck - was traumatized by the suicide of a cousin a long time ago. And I'm all she has. It'd be a hassle for relatives to deal with the after-effects, even if I did outside the home. At the same time, after all I've had to shoulder on their behalf, I also feel like I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks.

    Just makes more guilt. I sound like an entitled jerk.

    ...If you got through all that, thanks for listening. I just need to get it out. Can't talk to anyone around here about it. At least not productively. Considering a few sessions with a shrink, but I'm pretty poor, so that may be difficult.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi I do hope you continue to let out those thoughts here Hard to see family struggle and still take care of YOU in the process. i get that one. Depression is an illness it does not need a reason to show its ugly head I would hope if you could talk to your doctor depression is treatable with meds with therapy you may get to feel that connection you have been longing for. You don't know hun what the future will bring who knows who will come into your future Yes leaving would only harm theones we care about but i know that too has kept me here. You are not alone now ok you can come here any time post and people will hear you and understand If you can hun get some help ok talk to the pdoc or your regular doc even You are worth the effort hugs.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, Korvida. You have a lot of family stuff on your plate to deal with. :hug:

    From your post, I think you are a sound, solid, deep-thinking and deep-feeling person. You don't want the superficial trappings, you want the real thing whether it's in a friend or a job. You are not alone in wanting those things.

    What things are you passionate about? (for example, social causes? world issues? human and/or animal rights?) What things make you feel satisfied and your soul/spirit feel nourished? Hobbies? Music? Art? Nature? Machines? If your present job doesn't offer those things, are there college/uni programs that would give you training for a career that would involve them? And if you can't go to college/uni, could you volunteer in some way to satisfy these needs? Doing things that we are passionate about usually brings us into contact with people who are more like us - and in your case, that would be people who want more than a superficial connection with just the trappings of success.

    I think many people have jobs that pay the rent and buy food, and they must look at their personal lives to make the deeper, meaningful connections that enrich them and keep them going.

    Perhaps you could visit the library in your area to find out what kinds of clubs, groups, causes, organizations are available nearby.

    Find your passion(s) and then work it into your life - as your career, or as an activity outside of your career. The people you meet as you pursue your passion(s) are more likely to be the kind of people you want to be around and will connect with on a deeper level. It might take a bit of time to find the right group, but I'm sure you can.

    And keep talking to us here. You are very worth knowing - and for more than the surface that we can see already. I look forward to getting to know you better! :smile:
  4. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Hi, Korvida. I agree with Acy. Perhaps there are things in your area that could interest you? Even if they aren't career-making yet? I have a bit of that problem as well, my dream job is one that is going to take a lot more schooling that just can't happen yet, and it's frustrating. I also have a hard time making significant connections with people. Don't really know what makes it better, but you're not alone...
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I think we all get battle fatigue...and add to that, your feelings of being somewhat estranged for years...maybe seeking professional advise might be timely...there are places with sliding scales and such...maybe also career counselling so that you may find another profession you would enjoy...i know that working actively to feel better does help one to feel better, in and of itself...keep seeking advise and be an advocate for what you want...glad you posted and please continue to let us know how you are doing
  6. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    i sent you a message, were not that different.
  7. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Well, you've come to a good place. I think you'll find a lot of people with similar circumstances. You're not alone read the old poem "Edwin Corey"

    Please keep posting, you'll probably make friends here, not the same as a physical companion, but still people you can dump your burden to, who understand, and won't turn away in shock or disgust.

    We're a caring community of people just trying to help each other make it through the days.
  8. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    sorry man, thats BS. I've been dumping my shit here for years, it's nice...but it gets old after awhile.
  9. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    Hey, was wondering if you got my message...was pretty out of it at the time. sorry.
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