For the last few weeks I have written letters to my wife and kids trying to explain why it's better that I'm not here, when I think it makes sense I re-read it and it dosent say the way I feel inside. I just feel broken, my heart just hurts and I cry a lot.. as a 45 yr old man I shouldn't but I do and I don't know why. I have a great wife and 4 great boys that I am so proud of. I just feel as though I have not done enough and they would be better with out me. I can't stop the feeling of disappointment in my self. I believe that if I could get the letter to them right, I could follow through. I just want them to know that it is me and not anything they have said or done but my own failures that has brought me to this decision.
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I'm tired!
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Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time right now, but am glad you found us. I hope you find the company of others here as comforting as I have in recent weeks.
I have been a teacher for 23 years and I do not believe that any rewriting of that letter could ever protect your sons from the devastating loss of you. It also would bring little comfort to your wife. Is there any letter you can imagine from any of the 5 of them that would take your pain away if the roles were reversed? I am not judging you. Here I am, I came to this forum in a similar manner to you, in pain and at a complete loss. I am just hoping to give you a small window to the way they would feel at your loss.
Have you sought any help with these feelings? I found my symptoms got much better with treatment, not that I do not have hard days, but they grow fewer over time.
Please hang in there and keep posting. I hope to hear more from you are ready.
Phoenix
I have been a teacher for 23 years and I do not believe that any rewriting of that letter could ever protect your sons from the devastating loss of you. It also would bring little comfort to your wife. Is there any letter you can imagine from any of the 5 of them that would take your pain away if the roles were reversed? I am not judging you. Here I am, I came to this forum in a similar manner to you, in pain and at a complete loss. I am just hoping to give you a small window to the way they would feel at your loss.
Have you sought any help with these feelings? I found my symptoms got much better with treatment, not that I do not have hard days, but they grow fewer over time.
Please hang in there and keep posting. I hope to hear more from you are ready.
Phoenix
I am afraid too. My wife is a therapist dealing with grief and loss. She carries such a burden with her clients, and I see it and I just try to make things easier by taking care of what ever I can. I smile, laugh but I really am hurting and I don't really know why. It's almost like I'm on tv or something, looking out and reacting the way I am supposed to but not really feeling the reaction. I know it's not right and I can't help the feeling.
Have you tried therapy? It might help.
I know it may seem like telling your wife what's going on with you would be putting a burden on her, but I think the opposite is true. If you can't tell the woman that you're married to, and who it seems you love, what is really going on inside you, you can't really be close to her. Beyond that, the level of pain that you would cause to her, and your sons, by killing yourself is unimaginable. I think she would feel a deep sense of guilt for the rest of her life that she didn't know what you were really feeling inside.
Please, if only for her sake, let her know what is really going on.
I know it may seem like telling your wife what's going on with you would be putting a burden on her, but I think the opposite is true. If you can't tell the woman that you're married to, and who it seems you love, what is really going on inside you, you can't really be close to her. Beyond that, the level of pain that you would cause to her, and your sons, by killing yourself is unimaginable. I think she would feel a deep sense of guilt for the rest of her life that she didn't know what you were really feeling inside.
Please, if only for her sake, let her know what is really going on.
Hi there, I do not think there is anything ''wrong'' with crying as a 45 year old man, you are hurting and you are in pain - that is blatantly clear and obvious. It can help to cry, y'know letting it all out. Can I ask something of you? Plan something for either you and your wife or you and your boys to do that is fun. Spending time together can show you that life is worth living and is worth the fight. There is no way of getting those letters right because what you are planning is not right. Please seek the help you need and admit to yourself and your care provider that you need help and soon. I am really sorry you are hurting so much, do you know what triggered this or have you always been depressed?
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