I'm tired

[spaghetticracker]

I feel tired down to my very soul. I don't feel like I'm spiraling, but I feel like I'm slowly creeping toward taking action. I've never harmed myself before but I just always saw it as something I wouldn't do unless I meant to end things. Honestly I've been depressed for a long time. Probably since freshman year of high-school and it's gotten better or worse, but it's the worst it's ever been now. I'm in my senior year of college for a degree in bio and my plan was to go to medical school. The loan limits have been lowered so it's no longer feasibility an option. I skipped 3 years of school, but I'll probably go teach next year if I make it that long. I tried taking a military path to attend medical school but they rejected me due to asthma. Idk what to do anymore. I've been thinking more real thoughts lately about < mod edit - method >. Recently I've started looking into < mod edit - method >. The only thing that's kept me here is the fact that ik my family would be sad, but I feel so tired. I want to just go through with it. I feel like no one really likes me as a person other than my mother and close family, but they only like me because I'm family. I've never been with a girl or had a kiss. I dated a girl around a year and a half ago now but it didn't last too long and I just feel like I'm destined to be alone. I don't like being alone, I can tolerate it but it's really the idea that no one wants to be around me or loves me for who I am. I know I might sound like someone who complains too much and I truly apologize if I do. I know teaching is a viable career and I know some people would love to have that job, it's just never what I wanted and I feel like I've failed. I'm really trying but like I said I'm tired and idk if I can keep waking up every day to a life I have no joy in. Even activities I used to enjoy like playing video games, reading, or going on walks feel hollow now. They normally at least distract me but sometimes I still just think of how to end things while doing them. I feel unreasonable for having these thoughts I don't know if I have the right.

 

[Here Then Gone]

Hello, I'm glad you're here and have the courage to talk about things bothering you. It's ok you're not complaining too much and can talk about whatever you want here as much as you feel, but please try and refrain from listing possible suicide methods as that is against the rules here.
You're not unreasonable you'd be surprised how many have similar feelings to what you have described. It's sounds like you are still young and can change career paths if you want. I don't have much more advice but I feel for you, take care.

 

[1964dodge]

i understand that things are bad right now. one thing i learned in my many many decades on this planet is good or bad life is fluid. things are bad then good and eventually bad again repeat until we feed the worms lol. all we can do is fight as hard as we can to make things better. also try to have some fun or positive things, even small joy can help a lot

mike....