I am in therapy for depression and anxiety and SH, all of this is from the various forms of abuse I've suffered all of my life... I'm staying inside a lot... that's the anxiety. Most times when I do go out I have panic attacks before I get scared someone might hurt me... staying inside seems 'logic' to me... because it's 'safe'. But I know it's better to get out and get some air. I did that today and it went pretty well. But I'm starting to think I'm more sick than just depressed and having the anxiety. When I hurt myself I often feel like it's a different side of me, I've described it to be an upset 13 year old and I often try to talk her out of it, having small pretend arguments with her in my head. I've talked about that with my therapist and she doesn't seem too worried. My therapist thinks it's a part of where some of my emotional development stopped. That could be true... I was raped when I was 13 and thought my life was over. It was then I started cutting myself, before that since I was a little girl I had been having 'accidents' on purpose to control my own emotions to avoid my mum beating me. When I was a little girl I saw things that weren't there... some nights I saw this road around my beds with little cars going around it, I could hear them too... I had an imaginary friend who was a blue bunny and sometimes when I tried talking to people he would jump around distracting me. Sometimes I thought it rained inside our house. I even felt the raindrops. Mum said I was being stupid. I was convinced it was real. In high school when I got stressed in classes I twice saw something really gross (it was while I wasn't sleeping for days because of nightmares)... I was in a math class which was tough for me (am dyscalculic) and I saw blood come into the room from under the door. And once during an exam the blue bunny showed up. Now I have sleep paralysis sometimes... it started out with a man walking around my room touching my things... recently it's been a big gross spider. If I get really tired and unwell I have to sleep with the lights on for fear that I see a shadow move and freak out. The thing is, I know it's not real. Unlike the rain when I was a kid. And sometimes, like the way I am feeling right now I am wondering if I'm actually 'here'... I feel sort of in a haze... like nothing truly matters. I wonder if people actually see me... Like... what if I'm actually in a coma? And my entire life is just a weird dream. More like a nightmare... I freaked out with my boyfriend once over this... it was a year ago or so... I was really, really unwell , having a lot of bad memories and I told him "You can't be real. You're too good to be real. I wish you were, but you're not."... That truly scared him.... the next day I felt better, and he did forgive me... but yeah. I signed up for therapy after that. I haven't said all this to my therapist yet... I told them about the shadows in the night, and they said it was common with lack of sleep and stress. Maybe my brain is just a bit 'overactive' with fear.. I don't know. I hate this... I worry something is wrong. My best friend is schizophrenic... I don't know I'm starting to think I have BPD, when I read about the symptoms... But in a way I'm afraid to ask my therapist. I worry they can't treat me at the clinic if I am and I'll be put on another waiting list (I waited 8 months to start this)... and I have my mother's stupid voice in my head "Don't make them think you're that sick. You'll never get a job and a future if you get a diagnosis". And yeah... in a way I worry they will put me on meds. I know meds help people. They do work wonders for my best friend! But I'm scared I won't be able to recognize myself. I'm scared that sometimes the side effects are suicidal thoughts, I have enough of those... I've been having them since I was a little girl. And most of them come with weight gain... my weight have been fairly stable for years now (though still high)... my diet is horrible and because of my back and hip I can't exercise. So I'd probably become morbidly obese.