instibility is killing me..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by emily83, Apr 20, 2013.

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  1. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    this post may be a little triggering for some (talk of suicide, self harm, hospitalisation,and police)

    hi everyone,

    so how are you all doing today?. anything new going on?

    well: yesterday ended up a complete nightmare

    for starters, and probably the most crusial reason is that i was extremely unstable, resulting in me doing and saying things all day that were just destructive... i got to the stage where by about 10 a.m in the morning, or maybe a little later, all i could do is lie in my bed, with complete silence... nothing at all- no music, no tv, no nothing

    well: despite my email, jackie came round in the afternoon (about 3 p.m) and was shocked to see everything looking so untidy, and me so unstable. we talked for a while.. she firstly asked me how i was doing- and i just told her... well jackie, nothing's gone right this week- i'm not coping, and as you can see, i've let everything go. she asked me some more questions.... where i was with my suicidal thoughts, when i was going todo it etc- and i told her, well... i'm not sure when, but yes- i have the means to do it.. i've made plans.

    i can't remember when it was, but somewhere during the conversation i became extremely triggered and almost called the police on her (yep, really!). she at once suggested hospitalisation, and i told her.... you know, it does not matter what you do- because i'm going to kill myself anyway, and that's that.

    i told her.... well, jackie, their comes a time when you just have to look at your life and say... you know, this isn't worth living- and these are the reasons why

    anyway we talked for ages, and it soon became apparent that she was lost... she really didon't know what to do- so she told me, look, i'll go back and talk to the mental health team, and i'll email you where we go from here. and i'm like, good luck.... email me again, and you're dead. i was feeling... well, lowest of the low

    well, later on in the evening i had sausages and chips, so had to get up for that.. but in the process did a lot of self- harming, burnt my hands, cut, all that stuff (in fact my wrists are still pretty sore today!)

    dinner was okay, i enjoyed it- and after that i went online to 1 of my games and told someone their... look, i think tonight's going to be the night where i finally kill myself- i'm just feeling so unstable and i can't make it stop!. where's larua, where's laura!

    anyway laura did eventually come online and she talked with me for.. what, maybe about half an hour or something- i was ready to kill myself and she was trying to talk me down... and unfortunately she did:(, and i'm still here suffering majorly

    i didon't sleep last night, (well never usually do), but was more focussed on self injury than i was getting any rest.

    today the voices are still pretty bad, and my violent tendencies are really showing... in fact, just as an example, earlier on- i through my best charity band far out the window so i couldn't find it...

    things are rough here, no hiding from that

    think another day in bed after i've checked my lists..

    emily x
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    All i have to say hun is get yourself in hospital you know that is where you belong so others the ones that you care about do not have to worry and can be relieved you are getting the support you need to stay safe.
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i think in my case, the saddest thing is that i've made up my mind- and no matter what people try, i'm just going to do it.... i've looked at this life long enough to know that it's not worth it
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Just out of curiosity what makes life worth it ? or not worth it though that is somewhat less important....?
  5. srilu

    srilu Member

    Did anyone tell you that your life isnt worth?
    there's a time in my life I have gone through all this.I used cry for hours hugging a god's idol for 3 years coz i had no one to share.
    I was thinking of giving up.Then I heard something like "If you have the courage to die then you definitely have courage to live coz committing suicide needs lot of courage"
    Please take help from people who loves you.Dont harm yourself.
  6. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Please get down to the hospital as soon as possible, don't wait just get down and get assistance
    plesse don't harm yourself x
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