I dont know who else to come to for this, i'v been too scared to bring it up with my friends and i dont have a good relationship with any of my family members. Im scared of myself and am afraid of what is inside me. I think i definitely have something wrong with me, but i cant find anything close to what i'v experienced throughout my life. Starting from when i was around 8, i played very roughly with my toys, as in i'd take there heads of and i'd stick needles through them (because i had a sewing kit), and i didnt really know what i was doing, but even i found it weird, and i remember asking me mom if every kid played with there toys that way. At age 10, without even looking up or knowing about it, i drew intense blood and gore of animals with sharpies and markers, i kept them all in a huge folder, my mom found them one day and threw them all away, but even i am disturbed to this day realising how young i was. I have been bullied and harassed from day one, i'v had depression for almost as long as i can remember, i was never physically beaten that harshly or sexually abused either. When i reached middle school, i had intense suicidal tendencies, but i also developed intense homicidal urges, and i struggled with it at the time daily not knowing what to do about it, it was uncontrollable. After a while it died down a bit. Over time i grew very sadistic for unknown reasons, i also have urges to hurt myself badly, not because im sad usually, but purely because i want to and enjoy it in a sense, which scares me deeply. This year my feelings resurfaced for unknown reasons, as in im having VERY intense homicidal urges, im still depressed and suicidal as well, im so scared of the things i want to do. I have nightmares frequently, i have for my whole life, they all involve me dying in someway, horrifically and they'v always plagued me and make me very paranoid. Starting last year, i had trouble sleeping, and i was sleep deprived often, i then at some point began hallucinating black beetles crawling, i was told this was normal for someone who was sleep deprived. On one particularly bad day, our class was doing MAPS test and i looked down and i hallucinated one, right in front of me ON THE TEST, it scared me so bad i lept out of my seat, it made me feel so embarrassed and angry at myself when i realized it wasn't really there. But, nowadays, i get enough sleep, but the beetle hallucinations have gotten worse, as in im not even sleep deprived and its increased to a point where i see it about a dozen times a day, quickly usually in the corner of my eye, sometimes i look at dots and they move after a while if i get sleepy, and i also see these, black smudge things that kind of just appear very frequently on the outskirts of my vision. Im only 15 and i dont want to hurt anyone or anything, i dont know whats wrong with me i cant find out anything that i could have, im scared if i tell anyone they'll put me into some sort of treatment clinic or psychiatric ward or whatever. I find myself daydreaming everyday about hurting animals and people, and its almost become some sort of, mind drug where i cant stop thinking about it. Also for some reason over these years suddenly i'v become very allert to sounds, and certain sounds i didn't mind before make me very angry and annoyed, like coughing, sneezing, the scratching of clothing, and breathing. I'd NEVER hurt anyone or anything i swear, i dont WANT to its just, a very strong urge i'v had almost my whole life, and im scared of myself and i dont know what do to or what i have but i know now that something IS wrong and i need to try and find out what i have.