Intense homicidal urges and depression

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by beetles33, Aug 18, 2016.

  1. beetles33

    beetles33 New Member

    I dont know who else to come to for this, i'v been too scared to bring it up with my friends and i dont have a good relationship with any of my family members. Im scared of myself and am afraid of what is inside me. I think i definitely have something wrong with me, but i cant find anything close to what i'v experienced throughout my life. Starting from when i was around 8, i played very roughly with my toys, as in i'd take there heads of and i'd stick needles through them (because i had a sewing kit), and i didnt really know what i was doing, but even i found it weird, and i remember asking me mom if every kid played with there toys that way. At age 10, without even looking up or knowing about it, i drew intense blood and gore of animals with sharpies and markers, i kept them all in a huge folder, my mom found them one day and threw them all away, but even i am disturbed to this day realising how young i was. I have been bullied and harassed from day one, i'v had depression for almost as long as i can remember, i was never physically beaten that harshly or sexually abused either. When i reached middle school, i had intense suicidal tendencies, but i also developed intense homicidal urges, and i struggled with it at the time daily not knowing what to do about it, it was uncontrollable. After a while it died down a bit. Over time i grew very sadistic for unknown reasons, i also have urges to hurt myself badly, not because im sad usually, but purely because i want to and enjoy it in a sense, which scares me deeply. This year my feelings resurfaced for unknown reasons, as in im having VERY intense homicidal urges, im still depressed and suicidal as well, im so scared of the things i want to do. I have nightmares frequently, i have for my whole life, they all involve me dying in someway, horrifically and they'v always plagued me and make me very paranoid. Starting last year, i had trouble sleeping, and i was sleep deprived often, i then at some point began hallucinating black beetles crawling, i was told this was normal for someone who was sleep deprived. On one particularly bad day, our class was doing MAPS test and i looked down and i hallucinated one, right in front of me ON THE TEST, it scared me so bad i lept out of my seat, it made me feel so embarrassed and angry at myself when i realized it wasn't really there. But, nowadays, i get enough sleep, but the beetle hallucinations have gotten worse, as in im not even sleep deprived and its increased to a point where i see it about a dozen times a day, quickly usually in the corner of my eye, sometimes i look at dots and they move after a while if i get sleepy, and i also see these, black smudge things that kind of just appear very frequently on the outskirts of my vision. Im only 15 and i dont want to hurt anyone or anything, i dont know whats wrong with me i cant find out anything that i could have, im scared if i tell anyone they'll put me into some sort of treatment clinic or psychiatric ward or whatever. I find myself daydreaming everyday about hurting animals and people, and its almost become some sort of, mind drug where i cant stop thinking about it. Also for some reason over these years suddenly i'v become very allert to sounds, and certain sounds i didn't mind before make me very angry and annoyed, like coughing, sneezing, the scratching of clothing, and breathing. I'd NEVER hurt anyone or anything i swear, i dont WANT to its just, a very strong urge i'v had almost my whole life, and im scared of myself and i dont know what do to or what i have but i know now that something IS wrong and i need to try and find out what i have.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While it seems like there may be some issues that should be dealt with, I do not believe seeking help would cause you further problems. They place people into mental hospitals for actions and risk of committing actions - not for "strange thoughts". I really believe that talking to a psychiatrist about ways to deal with the anger and possible hallucinations and/or psychologist about reasons for these thoughts and ways to channel that energy would do a lot of good for you and help you understand them. When we cannot understand what our own mind is doing it is time to get some help from somebody to figure it out.

    Take Care and Stay Safe

    - Ben
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi beetles and welcome to SF. I am sorry, but I must agree with Ben, its time to ask for some help. Thankfully, there is not yet such a thing as "thought police" if there was, most of us would be in jail. We all have weird thoughts from time to time and most of them involve violence of some form. We have all thought at some point in time about hitting someone who is annoying us, or worse, so I dont think its a major issue, but it would be better if you got a professional opinion as to what is going on with your thoughts and feelings.
    Petal likes this.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    The information in the above posts I agree with completely, if you want to talk I am always around. It IS time to get help and get these thoughts out in a healthy way. A counsellor/psychiatrist can teach you how to. Don't worry, they have heard everything. You will be fine hun as long as you go down the route of seeking professional help Good luck to you!
  5. Night life

    Night life New Member

    Are you certain that these are urges, or are these intrusive thoughts? your only 15 so don't think everything is doomed, the important thing is you haven't done any of these things you have thought about.
  6. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter

    It sounds like you are carrying a heavy burden right now. I know it can be scary to seek help, but it can also be scary to continue to be disturbed by your thoughts. If you are concerned about talking to your family and friends, is there someone at school you can confide in?

    I also agree with Night Life, that not acting on your thoughts is to be commended. I hope you find some measure of peace by seeking help, which you have already started to do by posting here.

    Keep posting and keep us updated if you are comfortable doing so.
  7. JustCan'tQuit

    JustCan'tQuit Well-Known Member

    Hi, beetles,

    Reading over your post, I think you may have obsessive compulsive disorder. Most people imagine OCD as being an obsession with germs and cleanliness. But other obsessions can occur instead, including violent ones. People with this condition typically don't act out their violent thoughts.

    OCD is definitely treatable, so, yes, do ask for help.

    I'm really sorry you've had to go through this. I'm sure it's been really frightening for you. But things can get better--a lot better.