is it even real

[p3cky]

i feel like shit depressed angry frustrated anxious, i feel guilty for how i feel and how it hurts people around me then i just start to feel so bad about my self but it is real am i just being a little sook which makes me feel its all my fault and all the shit and worry and pain i put the people i know threw makes me so deeply guilty i cant get my head around how bad i feel about it i would have killed my self by now but i just cant put anyone threw that pain which is what keeps me living but at the same time i still put people threw shit i just want to die! but i cant !! i am stuck in a room with no doors i go one way and run into a wall turn around to find another way and another wall i feel i will never feel "good" anymore i wish i would be killed in an accident or something

 

[doityourself]

Hi there,

Are you getting any type of treatment for your depression, meds, therapy?

Has something happened recently thats bringing you down?

 

[p3cky]

yeah i see doctors and take meds have been for a few years now been on a bunch of different meds on seroquel and mirtazapine atm not that they really do much i dont get it i should be feeling better i use to be a drug addict and been clean for a year now yet i just seem to feel worse as time goes by

 

[doityourself]

OMG youve been clean a year, that in itself should be a huge pick me up for you. I bow down to you and hope that fight continues to be successful. I know I lived with drug addicts all my life, I know how huge it is to fight it off, to be clean for one day much less a year.

Im sorry you feel like your meds are not working, maybe its time for a change? Have you spoke to your doc about how you feel?

Another thing is you may be settling down in life, without drugs, you know life can be kinda boring without all the lies that it gave you. You have to create your own excitment, what kind of hobbies have you picked up since then?

Do you ever get out and get your heartbeat up? I know this is a huge thing for me, because I grew up where you got pump up all the time, maybe not in a positive way, but my heart would feel like it was going to come out of my chest sometimes, and my body still needs that, so every now and then I will do something that takes alot of energy, like hiking or playing just dance on the wii(which I recommend to anyone for excercise). I hope that made since cause it felt like I just rambled.

I hope that you continue to post here, look forward to talking more.

 

[p3cky]

i know i should feel better shouldnt i? i dont feel anybetter from when i was using maybe even worse 3 months into being clean i started to feel great for about a month i was feeling good then it just went and i dont know why i actually had this taste of happyness which i hadnt well really experinced at all in ages and now i have gone to feeling worse had multple suicide attempts obvoisly needed to try harder now i just feel guilty and that it is my fault i am like this

 

[doityourself]

why would you feel guilty because of the attempts or because you used?

How long did you use, maybe you need to teach yourself how to live again, clean life vs using is totally differant life, maybe you forgot how to live.

What do you do with yourself, do you work, what are your hobbies? Are you still in the same town as all your old friends? I know I ask to many questions, sorry.

 

[p3cky]

yeah i work part time, i had to move when i quit drugs but i am still close to frieneds most of which use though but i dont have the urge to use anymore i dont really do much cause i am to depressed to want to do anything i try to get some exercise though