Following a meeting last night, an individual asked me to help her do something that I didn't think was worth doing. So I asked why, and the response is "we just have to." I said that was not a good reason for me, and I also have a good reason to refrain from doing that (the task was to reset the chairs after a meeting, but I know for a fact that another meeting on Thursday rearranges the chairs anyway - making it unnecessary to reset the rows). So I didn't join in. I don't intend to be ordered around by people just because they expect unquestioning obedience - even if they expect this because they offer unquestioning obedience to a third person.
Later she said that she had gotten bitched out before, which in my opinion is even worse. I will not do anything that is motivated by someone else's fear, unless they have compelling leverage over me. I had also gotten bitched out by someone, but later found out that the person asserting authority over me in that past encounter didn't understand the situation. I had then decided that I don't mind the disapproval of people who are going to be unhappy no matter what. With this in mind, I asked my friend for names and she walked away. That's fine. I don't need everyone to be happy with me, which is good because it's logically impossible to please everyone.
If she wants to run around in fear of the wrath of someone whose authority is entirely self-appointed, that's her choice. It's also my choice to refrain from compliance. I didn't feel good about resisting the preferences of someone who I do like, and respect, and wish to support in her own efforts at self-healing. But sometimes it's more important to be kind than to be comfortable. In this case it would have been more comfortable to "go along to get along" by just helping out in order to be nice. The kind thing to do was examine why we "just have to" do anything.
If there was a meaningful reason for doing the thing she felt compelled to do, I would have enthusiastically helped, just to be helpful and feel good about that later. However, in simply asking "why" and then rejecting an answer that I found unpersuasive, I at least created an opportunity for her to consider if getting stressed out over making something happen just to please someone else's ego is particularly beneficial. I did not say this out loud, but it was going through my head at the time.
Upon examination, I think it was a healthy conflict. If nothing else I got practice with resisting outside pressure in a way that doesn't involve aggression, as in I didn't tell her she should change her behavior, but only that I must have a reason if I am to join in that behavior. I could be wrong though, and frequently am. So I wonder what anyone else thinks?
Later she said that she had gotten bitched out before, which in my opinion is even worse. I will not do anything that is motivated by someone else's fear, unless they have compelling leverage over me. I had also gotten bitched out by someone, but later found out that the person asserting authority over me in that past encounter didn't understand the situation. I had then decided that I don't mind the disapproval of people who are going to be unhappy no matter what. With this in mind, I asked my friend for names and she walked away. That's fine. I don't need everyone to be happy with me, which is good because it's logically impossible to please everyone.
If she wants to run around in fear of the wrath of someone whose authority is entirely self-appointed, that's her choice. It's also my choice to refrain from compliance. I didn't feel good about resisting the preferences of someone who I do like, and respect, and wish to support in her own efforts at self-healing. But sometimes it's more important to be kind than to be comfortable. In this case it would have been more comfortable to "go along to get along" by just helping out in order to be nice. The kind thing to do was examine why we "just have to" do anything.
If there was a meaningful reason for doing the thing she felt compelled to do, I would have enthusiastically helped, just to be helpful and feel good about that later. However, in simply asking "why" and then rejecting an answer that I found unpersuasive, I at least created an opportunity for her to consider if getting stressed out over making something happen just to please someone else's ego is particularly beneficial. I did not say this out loud, but it was going through my head at the time.
Upon examination, I think it was a healthy conflict. If nothing else I got practice with resisting outside pressure in a way that doesn't involve aggression, as in I didn't tell her she should change her behavior, but only that I must have a reason if I am to join in that behavior. I could be wrong though, and frequently am. So I wonder what anyone else thinks?
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