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Is my depression different?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Shock, Mar 18, 2013.

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  1. Shock

    Shock Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Recently I have been attending a depression support group which has been absolutely fantastic. Talking to others though I cant help but wonder if my depression is a little different. People in my group have had truly daunting and traumatic experiances in their lives - abuse, rape, drug addiction - and I feel so awed that they are the incredibly smart and successful people they are today. Of course their experiences in the past have contributed to their depression.

    I, on the other hand, am extremely lucky and have not had any negetive experiences to the extreme they have had. I just want to die. I really mean it - I just really would like to die. Of course I think I do have depression - I feel down all the time - but my primary impulse is to die.

    Is this different? What is this?

    Often I feel like it is a valid option when I am presented with difficult choices in life. Should I do option A or B? Or just jump in front of this truck.

    Often I say to myself 'Oh, if that fails you can always just die.'

    Often this manifests itself in a 'magnetic' pull towards certain objects - highways, ledges, cliffs. Looking at these and imagining myself being killed by them I get an overwhelming sense of safety and, to a degree, it helps calm me. It funny - I actually feel like being crushed by a truck would be relaxing!

    What is this? Is this why I have been so unresponsive to depression medication? What the hell is going on? Does anyone else feel this way?
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    I daresay that depression can manifest itself in anyone in any number of ways. However, while you describe it as a 'magnetic pull' towards certain circumstances, it is your choice to put yourself there.

    People have hardships. Some deal with them better than others. While this is primarily a pro-life site I would recommend you further delve into why you really want to do the one thing that is more natural than the clothes we wear or the homes we live in.

    It's up to you. Only you can live your life. But I think you'd need to keep persevering with medications because although they won't necessarily improve your life in the way you would possibly want, they could detract from the urges you are having
  3. Noonetwothree

    Noonetwothree New Member

    I feel the same way. Whenever I imagine myself dying, whether gruesomely or not - I just get relaxed, like "Finally, I don't have to try anymore. I'm finally free of this mess."
  4. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I've felt like this. Like dying would just set everything free, which in a way I think it does. For us anyway. Depression does manifest itself differently in different people. You probably need to get to the root of why you feel relaxed when you think of dying. Maybe you need to release some stress in your life.
  5. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I don't think I could call my reaction "relaxed" exactly but it does seem to calm me slightly ~ I think that's because it is the ultimate escape from all the stress and anxiety that builds to a suicidal pitch...for me the real issue is probably the need to address my frustrations and anxiety and stress. When I don't or can't then I'm in trouble. We're all probably similar in many ways but the specifics are probably as different as there are people experiencing depression.

    Ultimately we can't really compare ~ just because you've thankfully not experienced a lot of what others have, your experiences are unique to you and clearly can be just as devestating to your well being as others' experiences are for them. :)
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2013
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