Is sticking around worse?

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Ronnoc3, Sep 10, 2014.

  1. Ronnoc3

    Ronnoc3 Active Member

    It's been a long time since I visited this website and have never posted in this section as I have not had the misfortune of losing someone close to suicide.
    I am however seeking the advice of those who have.

    I've suffered with depression since I was 13 and although I've got better at coping, the feelings themselves have never subsided.

    For the last 6 years, since the birth of my little brother, he has been the sole reason I've kept going.
    I've hung around not because I want to but because of guilt over the idea of putting him through losing me.
    But recently I've come to realize that I may actually be doing more harm than good.

    Aside from my depression, I also suffer with extreme anxiety that leaves me mostly housebound and as a result I have been out of work/education basically my brothers entire life.
    I barely leave my room, I have no friends, I can't travel and have been unable to find work that suits my needs.

    What kind of example am I leaving for him?
    We lost a close family member a couple of years ago and it did really hurt my little brother, but I was shown just how resilient a child can be. As much as he misses his Nan, you'd never know she'd have passed if you were to talk to him. He's still a happy, normal little 6 year old.

    He's proved that losing a family member doesn't have to change the way he is or the way he'll grow up,
    but seeing someone he looks up to constantly miserable, out of work and alone might.
    I don't want him to grow up and end up like me because he thinks it's okay, or worse, because he wants to be like me.

    I know it is the instinctive and protective nature of people here to choose the answer that is more likely to keep someone alive, but at this stage whether I follow through or not is not going to be affected by what I hear here, it'll only change the level of guilt I feel leading up to it, so please be honest.

    If anyone here has lost someone to suicide when they were around that age, or has lost someone and knows a child roughly the same age that was affected, could you please tell me;
    Do you/they get over it?
    Is losing someone close to suicide something a child can recover from or is it something that could really mess them up for life?
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I don't have experience of losing any close family members to suicide but I have lost friends to suicide and you never really get over that pain of losing someone. With time it becomes easier but the pain always remains. I know that many people on this website here have lost family members to suicide and I am sure that they will tell you first hand how they never get over the loss of losing someone to suicide, let alone a little brother. My mum used to work with disadvantaged young people through a back to work/education scheme and she met people that lost siblings to suicide and via other means and it messed them up for life. So if you think your little brother would be resilient and get over it, you are wrong. He will constantly be left with feelings of "why did he leave me? how could he leave me?" and live with guilt and sorrow for life.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO ONE gets over it no one understands ok ilost my bro to suicide and it kill me everyday it kills me knowing i was not there for him Reach out ok get help you deserve you need to get rid of some of the sadness and hold on to the ones that love you ok hold on to thier love
     
  4. Ronnoc3

    Ronnoc3 Active Member

    I appreciate the responses, really I do, but to me it sounds like both of your answers are made from the perspective of an adult.

    (Butterfly) Did your mother ever mention what age those who she was dealing with lost their siblings?
    I don't have any experience with anyone who lost someone to suicide at a young age, however people I have known who lost their parents to illness at a young age have turned out perfectly fine while people who had the same experience later in life have not.
    Losing my Nan, who was basically like a second mother to us, is an example of that.
    Everyone in my family has been severely traumatized by losing her, except my little brother who bounced back to his normal self very quickly and with no apparent long term effects to his mood or behavior.

    I can understand the "Why did he leave me?" angle but I don't honestly believe he would come away thinking that, I know my family would never say that I chose to take my own life, rather that I was ill and took my life as a result of that illness.
    At his age, you take what your parents say as fact, for him to first come to the conclusion my parents were lying and then to come to the conclusion that I instead chose to leave him for whatever reason is a bit beyond the cognitive ability of a 6 year old, in my opinion at very least.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2014
  5. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    people will probably always remember. as they are now and as they grow. and overthink sometimes as with other traumas.

    by what you wrote, your brother so far sounds like one who would most likely remember love he felt for you and/or love you felt for him. not the reason why you died, so much, imo
    but keep fighting the dark cause either way it would hurt
     
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I am sorry that you are in SO much pain. I have lost grandparents and a brother. I can tell you that for me the pain of losing a brother was a thousand times worse than losing a grandparent. Also when parents have a child who dies ( especially to suicide) the pain is so overwhelming and acute that it directly effects the entire family. So the sibling not only has their own pain and guilt to contend with, but also the dynamics of how their parents are with them changes as well. And yes, even a 6 year old does tend to carry that guilt forever as they grow up.

    There is an excruciating level of guilt that goes along with suicide of a sibling or child ( loved one). No one heals from that. No one gets over that. Death of a grandparent is a natural occurance. It is expected. Very painful and heartbreaking. But not even close to the level of the heart crushing pain of losing a child or sibling to suicide. That pain is one I hope no one ever has to know. So the best way you can give to them is to stay alive. As hard as that may be. I AM sorry for the pain. I do think the future for treating anxiety and depression is brighter than people realize. So please just hang on. Okay?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 13, 2014