Is there anyone who can help me

[snowflake_4514]

I don't know how to go on. For the past 10 years I was depressed, ever since I was bullied in school for no reason (well I know why they did it but there shouldn't be an excuse for it). Four years later I first began to realise that the emptiness I have felt could be described by depression.
Along with the darkness there has always been the idea of relief through death. I don't think that anyone around me ever noticed a thing. I have backed up to hide from the world for half my life.
Later I became to come back, I found new friends who lifted me and who I can trust. At this time I didn't feel as bad as the years before, but I had one big problem. I had these mood swings that came all of a sudden without any warning. When I had them at school, in my thoughts I would drift away to be all by myself and to concentrate on the feelings I would be overwhelmed by.
Three years ago I said no more. I couldn't risk any mood swings anymore because school was about to become serious. So I decided to forget all of the pain I was struggling with but it wouldn't be too easy. No one can forget what he isn't truly interested in forgetting. I didn't truly want to forget because I was scared it could all repeat all over again. My only option at this point was to open up and than to become friends with my past to go live in the present. But at the time I wasn't ready to open up to someone because I didn't want to talk to someone close to me because I was scared that after they would have discovered how broken I really am, they would act weird and I need them to stay with me as if nothing could ever have happened.
At the time U decided to write things down and I have spent the past 2 years with adding details to the story. During the process my body and mind were both pushed till their limits. I have lost a lot of hair and my body is constantly shaking. But I did it. I did overcome my past and I have found something. I imagine the process as if I was digging a hole inside my head. All these years I have been building a wall to protect me but through the process of writing I reached deep inside of me, beyond the wall - and I have found an unharmed version of me. It is the Me that I was always dreaming of becoming, a Me that does not only care about others but that puts the problems of others before himself without forgetting about it's own one's.
I may have healed myself by breaking myself apart to process a past that I gave forcefully forgotten without actually having overcome it. Now I do. Now I do feel a certain freedom. I have no more mood swings and no nightmares as before all of that.
But for me, there is nothing in this life that would ever be strong enough to be willing to live for it. I have a beautiful girlfriend now who was the one convincing me to open up to someone else. It took me a long time and several attempts over the past two years to tell her everything about me and now she probably knows as much about me as I do, or maybe even more.
But in the end of the day, there is nothing in this world that I would consider to live for. I should be happy by now, by far I have got everything I ever dreamed of. But there is no will in me ro exist for any longer. Although I might do not consider death as an option to actively escape my problems but I would bother if tomorrow I'll get hit by a truck and die in the middle of the road.
I wish I could find someone here to talk to, someone who can maybe relate although I would hate it if someone could relate to it because that would mean that he knows how I feel right now from experience and it feels terrible and I don't want anyone, not even my worst enemy or the peo6from elementary school or feel the same way.
I guess it is not necessary to say but I'll do it anyway: I do need help. Is there anyone out there who can help me? I know it is not a strong problem, I mean there is greater suffering out there in the world. But for me right now these are the things that are en6to bring me down on my knees. But there might be a tiny chance for me to get up again on my feet - to live

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this Snowflake

Is there anyone out there who can help me?

I someone here can help, or that you'll be able to find someone who can help.

I know it is not a strong problem, I mean there is greater suffering out there in the world

If you're feeling suicidal, it's a very strong problem. It doesn't matter if someone else is suffering more or less, it doesn't mean that you're not going through something severe.

But there might be a tiny chance for me to get up again on my feet - to live

It sounds like maybe if you can get the right treatment, things could get better for you. You've got the support of your girlfriend, so if you get some treatment having that social support may make getting better easier.

 

[snowflake_4514]

Thank you,
Putting it in this perspective really cheers me up.

 

[may71]

You're welcome! How are doing today?

 

[snowflake_4514]

You're welcome! How are doing today?

Well.. I was at my girlfriend's overnight although we had school today what my parents do not actually appreciate. But I convinced them that I would need it so badly. They don't know about my feelings rn, we never really spoke in the last years. Not as if they would not care, they really do and are always trying to help. And we do talk, just not about this. I don't let them help me because I am afraid that if I told them, they would live the rest of their life in grieve that they didn't see it and couldn't help. I don't want to share with them because I know that if I did, they would blame themselves for what I think. And they are not completely wrong as I too blame them a little. When I was bullied back in elementary school, the summer in which it all became to much and I sat on my bed while all the other kids were playing outside. In this summer I felt cold for the first time. And I felt unloved. Maybe if was just all in my head but I really missed being told "I love you" so much. I do blame my parents for not telling me in that time often enough. And so I got the feeling that, despite it might have been all in my head, I wasn't love and no one would actually miss me if I just went off on my bike for a small tour, out. My destination: a more or less nearby bridge over the highway.
I never actually went off to do it but in my head I went more than ones to this exit in my head in these days. Later I became cold and numb and a certain darkness kept surrounding me for years. Now, that I have written much of it down to put myself on therapy and to process and heal I do finally become free. But there are still days when I feel to weak to do the basic tasks and when I do not care enough about my overall health. Last week was tough and with all the home-schooling due to the Corona virus it is all already stressing me enough. Now my finals are approaching too and I need to learn for them but I can't bring up the strength to do so. I am not even able to do the homework from last week and that is why I decided to go to my girlfriend's. Not for pleasure or anything but to heal and to calm. She knows about me and she knows when I need a long hug to feel safe enough to silently break down and restore the strength I need to start another week.
So everything is as it always seems to be. My parents, I would tell I'm fine; my friends I would tell I need some rest and they would understand.
Oh, and I am writing a song too. It was my idea all along to write something to process and when I was looking out of the window on a drive back home on my birthday last year and I saw the sunset, I just had a few notes in mind and I wrote them down and developed a beautiful song out of them. It is a song to remind me what has been but it is more about hope and what I do have now. That also really helps to process things.
How are you?

 

[snowflake_4514]

my friends I would tell I need some rest and they would understand.

That actually makes me think. It might not correspond with the rules here but there is this question in the back if my head that has been stuck there. When I opened up to my friends I realized something and it made me think about society a lot. What I realized is that they were not really surprised. I don't really remember the actual situation but when I think of it, in my had they just nod as if they agreed. They weren't surprised because they have felt the same way before and to this point I thought I was alone with all my troubles and worries but apparently I was not. And maybe it is just a thing for kids growing up to experience or it is just bad luck that society has failed especially us but it is a horrifying thought that every soul of a child growing up breaks to a point where they just want to end their own existence.

But away from that first shock I asked myself a question, every non-suicidal might not even dare to ask. And of course it does not apply on every soul crying for help but if someone desperately wants to die, should society try to save his life? I mean, it is his decision and despite the current laws it is not easy for me to answer to that. The law says "yes, of course", life is precious. If he attempted suicide and brought into a hospital the doctors there would be forced to help him but would that be right? Of course there are enough cases where someone suicidal learns to love again and find his way back into society. But still, can we decide to save somebody's life if he is willing to throw it away? Sure, mentally stable people would always try to help because they think it is the right way to do, but I still think about it a lot. Maybe it is not this special problem but this kind of approach in a philosophical way in general. I like philosophy, it keeps me going to explore and to ask questions where there are no right or wrong answers.

 

[Dante]

But at the time I wasn't ready to open up to someone because I didn't want to talk to someone close to me because I was scared that after they would have discovered how broken I really am, they would act weird and I need them to stay with me as if nothing could ever have happened.

I know how you feel here, I am 31 years old and I still haven't got to a point where I can open up to people I know, I don't think I ever will get to that point. I have built an army of coping mechanisms, mantras, playlists. reasons to keep going, and I have just started trying to use theories outlying DID to cause greater dissociation in my mind to gain control, and all this was easier than opening up to someone I know, it must have taken incredible strength for you to do that.

At the time U decided to write things down and I have spent the past 2 years with adding details to the story. During the process my body and mind were both pushed till their limits. I have lost a lot of hair and my body is constantly shaking. But I did it. I did overcome my past and I have found something. I imagine the process as if I was digging a hole inside my head. All these years I have been building a wall to protect me but through the process of writing I reached deep inside of me, beyond the wall - and I have found an unharmed version of me. It is the Me that I was always dreaming of becoming, a Me that does not only care about others but that puts the problems of others before himself without forgetting about it's own one's.
I may have healed myself by breaking myself apart to process a past that I gave forcefully forgotten without actually having overcome it. Now I do. Now I do feel a certain freedom. I have no more mood swings and no nightmares as before all of that.

This is impressive, you made a serious positive change to your mental state, Im still trying to start doing that, up until recently it was all palliatives and stall tactics for me. You should be proud.

But for me, there is nothing in this life that would ever be strong enough to be willing to live for it.

I thought that first time around, until I came up with my first "reason to go on", it was based around the idea of a life being a powerful force for change, and how if I wasnt getting anything out of it, I may as well use it to help as many people as I could, the "mission statement" so to speak was "If everything I do results in the same feeling of hopeless pain, then I can do anything, no matter how difficult or tedious, so I can help people, if I cant live for me, live for others." Thats just one reason, there are so many, but depression has that horrible trick of making it almost impossible to see them and remarkably difficult to believe them even when you do.

Although I might do not consider death as an option to actively escape my problems but I would bother if tomorrow I'll get hit by a truck and die in the middle of the road.

I think a lot of people have felt this, its sort of my default a lot of the time, I survive by exploiting my personality flaws, specifically stubbornness. I would (and once did) walk on a broken foot for a week before ever admitting there was a problem, whenever I run out of motivation, I just stubbornly keep moving until I find it again.

I wish I could find someone here to talk to, someone who can maybe relate although I would hate it if someone could relate to it because that would mean that he knows how I feel right now from experience and it feels terrible and I don't want anyone, not even my worst enemy or the peo6from elementary school or feel the same way.

I dont know if any of us feel the precise feelings you do, but Im sure a lot of us here can relate to not wishing our pain on our worst enemy, so feel free to talk here and you may find that person who can relate.

I know it is not a strong problem, I mean there is greater suffering out there in the world.

Ok, the phrase "there is greater suffering out there in the world" is a pet peeve of mine, and to avoid a rant I decided to take this one rationally:

If you aren't allowed to complain or be taken seriously if there is greater suffering than yours then only 1 person on this forum is allowed to complain, and everyone else should be quiet, but that's not how it works, there will always be someone suffering worse than you are, except of course for 1 person at a time who gains the distinction of being the person who is suffering the most in the whole world, (the poor bastard....) so to avoid hell on earth where only 1 person at a time is ever allowed to receive help or sympathy: if you are suffering then you are you have a right to be be heard, you have a right to be helped, and you have a right to be taken seriously. You have that right.

 

[may71]

They don't know about my feelings rn, we never really spoke in the last years. Not as if they would not care, they really do and are always trying to help. And we do talk, just not about this. I don't let them help me because I am afraid that if I told them, they would live the rest of their life in grieve that they didn't see it and couldn't help. I don't want to share with them because I know that if I did, they would blame themselves for what I think

I can understand that you are reluctant to tell them. However, if it comes down between your telling them and attempting suicide, it would be better to tell them. Hearing from you that you are suicidal would be hard for them. Finding out that you committed suicide would be infinitely worse.

 

[may71]

How are you?

I'm ok thanks.

 

[snowflake_4514]

Thank you for the kind words. I should definitely try one of your methods to find a purpose that seems about right for me. I'm thinking about making a list of things I like and things I want to see happening in life.

you made a serious positive change to your mental state, Im still trying to start doing that, up until recently it was all palliatives and stall tactics for me. You should be proud.

I really can't tell how I managed to survive this long with everything going on around me but I use to think that if I shall survive it until it is all over and less hurtful, I think that's when I become some sort of "super soldier". I use that term to describe people who have suffered great pain but despite everything they managed to get themselves free. Now, almost nothing can bring them down and they use this "superpower" to help others, as many as they can and as many out there who need them. I like the idea of it all being a test and when I succeed, I have grown to be more than what I was before.

 

[Dante]

Warning: The following content is rated N for Nerd, some viewers may find the following text confusing or even irrelevant. Reader discretion is advised.

I once wrote a Poem about my pain giving me power back at university, but, ever the trekkie, the thing that said it best for me was a monologue in Star Trek 6, this character has a way to brainwash people by showing them their greatest hidden pain and then releasing them from that pain, people then follow and obey him out of sheer gratitude, but when it came to Kirk he refused to have his pain taken away, "...you know that pain and guilt cant be taken away with the wave of a magic wand, they're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are, we lose them and we lose ourselves, I dont want my pain taken away I need my pain!" (Yea, I know: Nerd) but it really said it for me, that given the choice he wouldnt only turn down the opportunity to be free from his pain, but that he would aggressively defend it, and I realised that as much as I hated myself at the time, a tiny part of me recognised that I was a better person because I was suffering, and I really was.

If we can survive the pain the world throws at us, it only makes us stronger and kinder, thats IF we can survive.

 

[snowflake_4514]

If we can survive the pain the world throws at us, it only makes us stronger and kinder, thats IF we can survive.

That's it, that's exactly what I am thinking of. But I think that as long as we get help from each other and as long as we support each other we maintain the strength to keep on moving and to keep on fighting for ourselves. We shall never give up what is the most precious to us, in my case probably the opportunity to help others and thus me.

 

[snowflake_4514]

I'm thinking about making a list of things I like and things I want to see happening in life.

Wow, just a few minutes after posting I actually got myself up to produce such a list and I was really overwhelmed by the power and courage it gave me. Writing down things I really want to see happening in my life span and those things that I want to achieve made my entire day. And although of course I am not suddenly cured, I do not think all day long about death as a release, I might have won this battle for now but sure the war is not over yet. But I will take my victory with pride and suggest the method to everyone out there struggling with similar questions of how and why to keep on going. Make a list, write down what you want to see happening in life, what you want to experience and maybe feel. It really helped me and maybe it will help you to.

 

[Dante]

That's it, that's exactly what I am thinking of. But I think that as long as we get help from each other and as long as we support each other we maintain the strength to keep on moving and to keep on fighting for ourselves. We shall never give up what is the most precious to us, in my case probably the opportunity to help others and thus me.

I think pain goes further, it is almost like a kiln, we arent finished until we are tempered, like our lives up until the pain are us forming ourselves into powerful, full-grown children, then pain makes us adults. My aunt was a high flying lawyer she was opinionated and controlling and though she tried to be nice and was very generous, but she found family as annoying as anything else, but then she lost her brother and she softened, she became tolerant and patient and learned to value the people around her and I really cant say a bad word about her anymore, its like that pain finished the creation of a wonderful human being, it allowed her to put away the lawyer and be a person. (though damn is she still a force to be reckoned with when she whips out the lawyer in herself)
My dad has a similar experience when his wife left him (though he admittedly had a much smaller change), he was nothing but abusive to my sister growing up, and I got an unfair few beatings myself but strange as it seems, since our mum (his wife of 30+ years) left, though he still has the unwitting ability by his very nature to drive even Santa clause to self harm, I am confident that he would never again hurt us willingly. and for my won experience, the year I learned what depression was is the year I consider myself to have become an adult, NOT the year I turned 18.

 

[snowflake_4514]

and for my won experience, the year I learned what depression was is the year I consider myself to have become an adult, NOT the year I turned 18.

That is one powerful thought. I do definitely agree with you there a hundred percent.

 

[Dante]

It may be the music I am listening to at the moment, but right now I'm thinking of it like this: Before, you just stroll through life, and your parents take the hits, like they are carrying a massive shield and standing between you and the world, and now its your turn to carry it for yourself and you think that makes you a man, you hold it easily, you leave your guard down and you have some close calls but its all ok, but that first time you take a real hit, one that wrecks you and leaves you on the floor bleeding... and you get back up, pick up your shield, and ready yourself for the next hit. You now know what the stakes are, what resolve feels like, and you are a Man/Woman (lets not be sexist here). Those who have never taken such a hit have no idea how fragile they are, and how fragile we arent.

I find overly heroic imagery helps with depression, you can imagine depression as some great enemy and you as a grand hero, it helps bolster confidence a little.

 

[Lara_C]

I really can't tell how I managed to survive this long with everything going on around me but I use to think that if I shall survive it until it is all over and less hurtful, I think that's when I become some sort of "super soldier". I use that term to describe people who have suffered great pain but despite everything they managed to get themselves free. Now, almost nothing can bring them down and they use this "superpower" to help others, as many as they can and as many out there who need them. I like the idea of it all being a test and when I succeed, I have grown to be more than what I was before.

I think the superpower is compassion and that it flows naturally when we realize that suffering is both an individual and shared thing we all experience. It connects us at a deeper level and the more we let ourselves feel it, the greater it's healing power. It's often easier to feel compassion for others in intense pain than for ourselves, but directed outwards it also heals our own inner pain. I think the greater we expand our circle of compassion, the happier and more meaningful life becomes, but it's not so easy because it means forgiving instead of judging those who have harmed us, or letting go the emotional and mental attachment to the painful past to be free in the present. We can't really fully accept ourselves, faults and all, when we stand in judgement of others for their faults. Pure compassion/love doesn't discriminate between deserving and undeserving recipients, but it's an ideal we can try to approach more and more because love is what fills the inner emptiness and makes us whole

As someone who knows how bad the pain can get, I think you will connect really well to others here in need of understanding, kindness, and comfort, and help yourself as well. Welcome

 

[snowflake_4514]

I think the superpower is compassion and that it flows naturally when we realize that suffering is both an individual and shared thing we all experience. It connects us at a deeper level and the more we let ourselves feel it, the greater it's healing power. It's often easier to feel compassion for others in intense pain than for ourselves, but directed outwards it also heals our own inner pain. I think the greater we expand our circle of compassion, the happier and more meaningful life becomes, but it's not so easy because it means forgiving instead of judging those who have harmed us, or letting go the emotional and mental attachment to the painful past to be free in the present. We can't really fully accept ourselves, faults and all, when we stand in judgement of others for their faults. Pure compassion/love doesn't discriminate between deserving and undeserving recipients, but it's an ideal we can try to approach more and more because love is what fills the inner emptiness and makes us whole

As someone who knows how bad the pain can get, I think you will connect really well to others here in need of understanding, kindness, and comfort, and help yourself as well. Welcome

Thanks for the kind words, Lara. It is always interesting to learn how others view the world but to feel connected through a common suffering, a common pain or whatever, just to seemingly be connected with people you don't know has something empowering. It defeats the feeling of being alone and guides you back into the light. Thanks again