The more I think about it the more I feel like u can't breath. Today is my, would of been my grandpas 75th birthday. We are going to leave freash flowers at his grave and have a family meal. I can't believe we are doing it. I'm not mad. I'm sad. Like why do I want to do it? He's not here anyway. I'm Laying down in bed feeling dizzy. Like why. Why. Why is already his birthday. Didn't we just bury him? How did we manage to make to September? I'm in shock. I've tried to keep calm and rearrange my room and focus on my drs appt but I can't. I keep trying to be calm but u can feel my pluse pounding in my ears and throat. I'm dreading waking up tomorrow. How do I look grandma in the eyes? How do I tell her I'm so sorry for her loss. I'm sorry for my loss. How come we are getting together? My throat burns. My eyes sting. I'm tired. I'm sad. I miss him. I'm everywhere at once. How do I stop? How I can live? How have I been living? How can I continue to live like this? It's not Fair. I don't like this. My heart is racing. My mind is racing. My everything hurts. Grandma and Grandpa would of been 51 years married in July. He died. He's gone. She's sad. I'm sad. I want to scream and yell and curse. I want to run away and sleep. Sleep for days on end.