It doesn't feel like I'm "sick enough" (tw for numbers)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by MadeOfGlass, Jun 2, 2013.

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  1. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    Don't get me wrong, I know this thing is killing me. I started off fine, nothing was really going wrong and I was convinced that all the symptoms that were associated with starving myself, I was invincible too. Then things started getting scary. Being dizzy all the time, blacking out, shaking, and I'm cold all the time. My hair is getting more and more brittle (good thing I keep it short), my nails have changed color from pink to more purple, so i always wear nail polish so no one notices. The scariest out of everything is my chest. My heart is down to about 45-55 beats per minute, and at least a few times a day my chest/heart hurts and makes it hard to breathe.
    But even with all that, I still don't feel like I'm sick enough. I mean, I'm within 3 pounds of being underweight (I'm not exactly sure, my boyfriend made me promise to not weigh myself except once a month). But I still feel handfuls of fat on my legs. I've dropped from a size 4 to a size 0, and XS clothes fell off my hips when I went shopping last week. I can't see a difference. I don't think I'm skinny enough to have an eating disorder or for it to be a problem because I'm not underweight. I don't eat over 300 a day, but if I'm forced to then I work it all off so I'm in the negatives. But I'm still not underweight and I don't think it's valid enough to get help.
    And I hate myself for having this internalized fat-phobia that's inherent with this sort of thinking.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi sweetie...have not seen you in a while...I am not sure what you mean by the title of your thread...I hope you consider that hurting yourself hurts others too who care about you...please PM me if you are open to me saying more...thinking of you
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I think you do know you are sick enough but feel as though you can't help yourself...otherwise you wouldn't have written it here...

    do you see a professional? because this will kill you but slowly, you'll suffer more and your organs are please seek help...
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I remember when i was limiting myself to about 400 calories and I had the heart stuff the hair stuff etc. I can promise you that if you are eating 300 calories a day and are having starvation symptoms, then you do have an eating disorder. I know you questioned if you are thin enough to have this. Yes you are definitely symptomatic.

    As someone who has starved for long periods of time, I can tell you that body dysmorphia will never let you think you are skinny enough. Body Dysmorphia is a controlling master that is so deceitful that it can convince the person that they are never thin enough.

    300 calories a day is not nearly enough to survive on. size 0 is very small. I know this is something you cannot see. But I can promise you that anyone who eats 300 calories a day and experiences symptoms as you do ... is anorexic and deserves to get help. Just try to remember that it is body dysmorphia that really keeps you thinking you are not skinny enough to be sick / anorexic. You deserve to get help for this. You really do. :hug:

    Will you reach out to your doctor or someone to get help? If you tell them how many calories you are eating and how your body is reacting to it, you will be believed for sure.
  5. MadeOfGlass

    MadeOfGlass Well-Known Member

    I wrote a letter to my parents since I suck at talking. I promised my boyfriend I'd give it to them Saturday night so we can figure it out from there. I'm going to do it but I still don't see it as a serious issue or part of me wants this to kill me. I am disgusting and I wish I were dead.
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am glad you wrote something that you will give to your parents. I have a feeling they and your boyfriend would not agree with what you say about yourself. I have a very strong feeling they do not think you are disgusting. Or anything even close to that.

    Have you ever known someone who said the same kinds of things about themselves as you say? If you do, I am sure you dont agree with the people. You can see them as they cannot see themselves. But one thing is for sure. I have never met anyone who holds these intense judgements of themselves, who is not in huge amount of pain. I too judge myself horribily, Calling myself all kinds of terrible names. Saying horrible things about myself. And I know the pain at the center of the judgements. Please do not do anything to harm youself. I think it is very smart of you to have written this letter for your parents. Very smart indeed.
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