Empathy Only It doesn't matter does it?

[ChimeraMonster]

I have always wanted to know how do one gets to love their own body. I hate HATE everything on mine. And I don't have the energy to take care of this meat bag. And I get depressed and overeat then look at myself in the mirror and think on how ugly and obese I am. Which makes me anxious then makes me eat more.
And in the depths of my mind I wish that this strain of not taking care of myself would be enough to actually make my body gave up so I could finally die. BUT IT IS STILL HEALTHY FOR SOME BIZARRE REASON.
AND YOU KNOW THE WORSE PART.
Once I did everything. And I got to 55kg, I did everything for two years and reached my goal.
I looked at the mirror, thinking that finally I would be worth something, and everything I saw was an ugly masculine face with bug eyes, a giant fucking head. I was so tired and still everything I did was for NOTHING. I hated the way I looked then so much I wanted to break that glass, all that suffering, and I couldn't even look okay? The fat was hiding issues I didn't even know I had. I hated myself so much. I never felt feminine enough. But at least I had boobs and thick legs. Then I felt like... Like a monster. Like nothing.
Then I gave up. I gave up trying to get in shape, to be healthy. Because nothing would be able to fix me.

Now I'm 120kg, 30 kg more than the max of last time, and I look at the mirror and I hate myself all the same.

Why can't this body give up? Why can't I just die, I hate being locked in this ugly smelly stupid fucking bag of meat

I already can't be happy, I'm constantly tired, I'm always in pain, I can't be anything or be useful, I hate myself and I can't even be comfortable in my own body. Then what's the point?
It doesn't matter does it?

 

[Oizys Moros]

Hello @ChimeraMonster

Not sure if you were wanting empathy only or advice as well.

Nonetheless, I just wanted you to know that you are heard.

 

[bulldoggy1356]

I think you’re a human being and a miracle. You existing and having your unique perspective on life is a miracle. I met my partner at my highest weight (after my doctor told me my weight was making me sicker and sicker). I started a weight loss plan. And you know what he said when I started losing weight? After all that work? “I didn’t notice it”.

We scrutinize ourselves over things other people barely even notice. After I lost weight, I also didn’t see any increase in my enjoyment of life. I felt healthier, but I could still spend a night crying over nothing in particular. What brought me joy was building my skills, my confidence, making progress in my hobbies and job, spending time with loved ones. I learnt that is what will actually matter in the end, not my warped ideas of beauty.