It figures...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lightbeam, Jan 31, 2013.

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  1. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I'm depressed again.

    My meds don't even help. I was on twice the recommended dosage of Citalopram because my depression grew balls, and dug in deeper and deeper. Now I'm back to regular dosage (40mg, from 80), and what can I say... it sucks donkey balls.

    I'm either feeling OK (hypomania), or depressed. It's more the latter sometimes.

    I just want to know whether I am heard or not, in this endless abyss of depression. On top of my schizoaffective disorder, depression truly sucks.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Depression god hun it does suck and i would not wish it on worse enemy We will help you from spiralling to far down ok hun you hold on hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry...wish I could send some wonderful NY cheesecake your way
  4. letty

    letty Banned Member

    I am sorry your feeling bad, depression sucks your not alone, you are being heard hang in there
  5. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I hear you.
  6. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry! I wish I could help you feel a little better. If you ever need to talk I'm always here for ya!
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Depression is horrible. I am sorry you suffer with it. Sadly you are in very good company.
  8. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I woke up early, because I went to bed at 8:45. since I took my meds at 8pm. I usually take the meds at 8:30, and am up until 10pm. I just didn't have the energy to stay awake. Damn depression sucks the life right out of you. And I'm still feeling the same way.

    All I want to do is sleep.
  9. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sends hugs to you and a kipper to Tommy.

    Just remember it does pass eventually, it's just a pain while going through it.
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I have been really downhill, because of my SSDI fears. And it's only February. I have until December 13th to worry. I am going to be a wreck.
  11. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Why Dec 13? Why such a long time to find out if you can get on SSDI? I am sorry this is happening to you.
  12. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I am waiting for a renewal of SSDI benefits.

    I am on benefits right now. My review is December 13th. I waited 3 years to get them. Now that I've been on them for almost 3 years, I have to get a review.

    I've never had a review before, and it's making me paranoid.
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry that renewal evaluation takes so long. I have heard that almost everyone stays on disabiity, if they choose to do so. The statistics are overwhelmingly in your favor.
  14. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    That's what everyone has told me. Either that, or not to worry about it until it gets closer. I only meet my pdoc every 3 months, so I have 3 more times to see him before the review. I am paranoid. I should not be worrying, but it's making me depressed.

    Most people have said that I have not progressed very far, because I am not completing my treatment plan. They want me to get therapy too. I've had 3 therapists, and all of them have been asses. I can't get therapy outside of where I am going. My pdoc says that there are many therapists that are available through the place I go. But I don't want an intern that just needs clinic hours, and then they are gone.

    That's what happened with my last therapist. He had to get his clinic hours in, and then he was gone. I didn't speak for 6 months. But at least I know he was trying to help.

    Then there was the therapist that was convinced that I didn't have voices. That lasted 1 session.

    I am completely turned off by therapists. But I have no coping skills.

    I might as well try again *sigh*
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    lightbeam, I hear ya. Its so hard to get these interns who are completing their hours. Yes, some do care a lot. But they are not experienced. You only see your pdc once every 3 months? Thats a very long time between evaluations. I do not have a therapist myself. Because I lost both therapists when I got on disability. Mdeicare does not cover counsellers, even if they have masters degrees. I think they only cover Phds in psych. I never bothered to look after that. It was too hard losing the 2 I had when I got on disability. Also I am looking for something very specific. And the Phds in psych dont do what I am looking for. I am wanting to work with someone who does EFT. I go more with an alternative approach. Those folks can be covered by regular insurance. But not medicare.

    I understand when you say you have no coping skills. Neither do I. If somethng happens. I am blown away with the wind. Its like I have no skin.

    You wrote "Then there was the therapist that was convinced that I didn't have voices." I hate it when therapists think they know more about us than we do. My pdoc was convinced that I did not have a compulsive ED just because I am not fat. I finally gave up trying to explain it to her. And she was convinced that I am not agoraphobic. She doesnt have the best memory. Within months of her insisting I was not agoraphobic. She then said I am agoraphobic. She had no recollection of the previous discussion when she told me I was wrong. I didnt refresh her memory. I know I am agoraphobic. I do not need a psychiatrist confirming or denying it. When kind of voices do you have? Just curious, if you dont mind my asking.

    Above all,I do want to reiterate that when people are on psychiatric disability they really tend to stay on it unless they choose otherwise. So I hope you can breathe a bit easier with that whole issue. I am sure when my time comes I will be in great anxiety over it also.
  16. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I understand.

    My voices are neverending hostility and hostile to whoever is close to me at the moment. My psychosis runs very deep. It makes me want to literally plan out certain things, such as my impending suicide, to planning how I am going to kill my parents to exploiting my nieces, which isn't good.

    I can say no. I do it often enough. But there are times the sides are so greyed out, that I really have to keep myself in check. There was one night recently that I was planning to fatally hurt my cat. I smiled at the thought. I lost all sense of emotion. I swing between all these extremes, and there are so many things that I don't do, because I am too afraid to do.

    I never go out unless it is with my mother. I never leave my room. The only time I leave my room is breakfast, dinner, and to go to the bathroom. Any other time is a no no. Sometimes I go out to get the mail. My mother takes me to all my appointments and everything. I am never somewhere that cannot be documented. My exes made me paranoid enough to make me have a witness for everything.

    The voices have never gotten any better. My pdoc thinks I am doing better. I'm less 'jumpy' according to him. I must have really been a mess when he met me 3 years ago. He even put in my notes that I am terrified of losing my benefits. I just can't stand anything any more.
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Lightbeam, what you describe sounds so challenging. I am sorry that life is this difficult for you. It sounds like you have come up with some good stratagies so that you can keep everything safe. I wish there was a medication that made things easier for you. I know your pdoc says things are better. And thats good. Just wish it could be even easier for you. That the voices could be silenced more. But it does sound like you are keeping the upper hand. Finding ways to not let them control your actions.
  18. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    This depression has lasted 4 days... this sucks.
  19. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Probably no consolation but you seem far more aware of what's going on in your head than I do about myself. I'm wondering about therapy & like you don't want one who's only around briefly. Four days does suck. Hugs
  20. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I have a review coming up.
    I can hardly walk for the pain in my back feet and ankles.
    Mole says "how can they do anything but pass you unfit for work"but it's still making me anxious.
    Guess it's the nature of the beast, benefit makes you vunerable and vunerable means anxiety and worry.
    I can't see how they can refuse you your benefit, will let you know how my review goes.
    IF I pass it, then so will you!
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