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It is over
- Thread starter Marga
- Start date
I have had enough. Enough of how he treated me. Enough of how he wouldn't commit. Enough of how he always tried to show me I am stupid. It is so sad. I loved him so much. We could have had something beautiful. But it is over. I have had enough of how how he didn't show me any love. Of how he probably didn't love me. Of how it was always me being wrong. There goes my dream. My dream of a loving relationship and a family will probably never be fulfilled. It is over. He is gone.
Since last summer I have been dealing with some difficult situations which made it more challenging to hold the relationship together. The last thing one of my two cats went missing 2 days ago. They are so important to me, my closest friends and my only family apart from my parents. I was so upset about it... Luckily, I found my cat in the end, but it was a lot of stress for me and I had to make a lot of effort to find her (for example ring a bell at about 30 houses in my neighbourhood to ask people, complete strangers, if they haven't seen my cat, a real challenge for me as a person with social anxiety). So this stress I had together with some things led up to a big conflict with my partner and the breakup.😣😣😣 At least I have my cats. I cannot imagine my life without them.
Now, wait a second, he broke up with you--or you had this "big fight," or 'conflict,' rather ~only After: you'd gone out looking for your missing cat?? I don't get that... & I'm just so sorry for all you're having to go through now. That is a lot! I don't think anybody in their right mind would be able to deal with these situations all that calmly, or without getting too overly-emotional. So please just be kind to yourself, if you can~ // You showed tremendous courage, and outstanding, commendable effort, which is to be applauded in overcoming your issues in order to go & save/rescue/search and find - your cat & loving family member. I'm sorry things have been so stressful lately. And maybe with the dissolution of this relationship, things can begin to settle down some. . .
So my (ex)partber is definitively going away. He is still staying at my appartment because he hasn't been able to find a new place yet. But our relationship is over and he is going to go away. I just can't believe it because I had real hopes for this to work out. It almost did. I ruined right when I almost reached what I wanted in the relationship. We were together for about 4 years and things haven't been always easy. I have made a looot of effort to make the relationship work. We had some conflicts and overcame them. But not this time. There was a combination of negative factors that affected me and really destabilised me. I had to deal with some very difficult situation in my life. At the same time my partner told me he will never invite me to his home country (i.e. it meant he would never introduce me to his family whom he never told about me). I was desperate and met some nice guy who showed serious interest in me. I wasn't sure but was seriously considering to leave my boyfriend for him because I thought that relationship wasn't going anywhere. But my feelings for my boyfriend were (and are) strong so I just couldn't find the will to leave him. The new guy interested in me realized that and backed off. But I already told my partner I had doubts about staying with him. He got upset. I find it difficult to lie in general and especially in situations under pressure. So I told him it was partially because I met someone. Of course he got upset. Since then I was pleading him to stay because I saw how much I loved him. But it didn't work. It is understandable. He sais I cheated on him and betrayed him. And it is true. But he doesn't see why I did that. That I did that because I was desperate and felt like he doesn't love me and isn't serious with me. I would like to add that I am 40 years old and would like to get my chance to have a child and was desperate because of time pressure in this respect and this guy whom I met said he wanted children and seemed like a good and serious guy. So now I ended alone with all my plans ruined. Because of bad circumstances and of me ruining things.
Well, this is a very long post. I don't think anyone will read it and sorry for writing so much but I cannot cope. At least it helps a bit if I write it out.
Well, this is a very long post. I don't think anyone will read it and sorry for writing so much but I cannot cope. At least it helps a bit if I write it out.
Just to add this has all been another consequence of bad things in my life. I have grown up in toxic unstable family with my parents who are hoarders and two egoistic people who constantly fight. All my life I have been trying to better myself, to be a normal sane person and build a good stable life. I did a lot of therapy... but I still cannot achieve this. Also because I am already at a high age to have a family and I am basically late for everything, missing the train. When I was young and still living with my parents I was basically just trying to survive in the horrible environment of the family. When I go there now even one week is hard tu stand. I was living there for 20+ years. At that time I was basically just looking for any relationship to escape. And some of them looked according to that. Since I left my parents house and am living on my own for 10 years I was basically trying to recover and get my life together. Some things are much better but most of all I wanted to have my own family that would be a safe haven. That has been my dream my entirely life. It seems ruined and unachievable now. I feel like all my life has been just time lost. This is a feeling my mother has too about her life. I can't believe I am this failure of a person. It is hard to accept. I am not stupid in terms of my education and profession. I am not entirely ugly. I have a stable job. Yet cannot get what so many other people get, children, family. People without job and basic education have families. Drug addicts have children. Not me. Seems unfair.
I should stop spamming the forum... but I need to write it or it is too unbearable for me. The problem is I built my plans about being with my partner and living together and the plan to have a family together. This was all I wanted. I recently rented a bigger appartment so that we can live comfortably and well and have space to have a baby. When my (ex) partner moves out it will be a lot for me to pay the rent. Not impossible, but really a waste of money for a single person. But I have a longterm contract with sanctions if I leave. Also it is such a beautiful appartment, I was so happy to have found it. It has a garden where my cats can go and they really need a garden. So that is one thing that worries me. I don't think I can find a flatmate - I cannot stand living with an unknown person, I am also very scared of that.
Moreover, I am living and working in a different country than my country of origin. I have very little friends, no good friends. My partner was the only person in my life here. Even though there were some issues, he was still there for me, I had company, someone to talk to. I am so scared of being completely alone now. He was so important to me. I am even considering quitting and going back to my country of origin, because I feel more at home there. But that would mean getting closer to my parents again. And leaving my good job which gives me at least certain stability and financial security. Basically everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
Moreover, I am living and working in a different country than my country of origin. I have very little friends, no good friends. My partner was the only person in my life here. Even though there were some issues, he was still there for me, I had company, someone to talk to. I am so scared of being completely alone now. He was so important to me. I am even considering quitting and going back to my country of origin, because I feel more at home there. But that would mean getting closer to my parents again. And leaving my good job which gives me at least certain stability and financial security. Basically everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do.
I don't think you did anything wrong, or that wasn't human, nor explained by yourself, in your own post... just in so far as explanations go &/or for-with respect to: the reasons behind your behavior. You've said it yourself. You didn't feel loved. The proof is in the pudding. He wouldn't tell his family about you, nor invite you home to live in his home country? It sounds as if he doesn't respect you very much, and I have to question how fond he was of you in the first place, with all of this - & the rest - that has been said. I don't know about cheated on / yes, I guess you could argue, an "emotional affair," if that's even what you'd consider that it was? But I guess it all depends on one's definition of... Do you really want a relationship, that is requiring of such great & exhaustive effort on your behalf? And this is riddled with such conflict? I know that maybe some people thrive off of that. And enjoy all of the verbal sparring sessions. But I question how healthy it is, even for these couples, who engage in this sort of adrenaline surging crises. I understand the reason/s you say, or feel that you are up against it, and backed up against a wall, with respect to timing, and time, and with it not being on your side. Hard to think clearly when so much dramatic and drama-filled, has been happening, and in such a short time-span. Your head must be spinning? I'd say this--it isn't over. Yet! Even if it feels like it is. Yes, this may be. But not that. And that being, the unknown of course. You've proved you've got what it takes to acquire and attract, as well as attain a long term partner. Who may have been lacking on the if not commitment front or end. Than in sharing your same definition, or version of love or of what it is you'd want in a loving, and long-term relationship. You've even proven more recently, that you can catch someone's eye - & their attention - which proves you've still got it. Meaning, if it was done before, it can be done again. Might not happen in a split-second, or at the drop of a hat. You might/may have to decide what is best for sustaining & sustainability now. And then make some appropriate or necessary sacrifices to maintain or stay afloat until you can get once again to a place where you are happier to have found or stumbled upon the right kind of person, who shares more of your same sentiments, and all of that, in a relationship. So, you just never know is all~ // Keep your head up, in spite of it all @Marga . 
mrb
mrb
I don't think you did anything wrong, or that wasn't human, nor explained by yourself, in your own post... just in so far as explanations go &/or for-with respect to: the reasons behind your behavior. You've said it yourself. You didn't feel loved. The proof is in the pudding. He wouldn't tell his family about you, nor invite you home to live in his home country? It sounds as if he doesn't respect you very much, and I have to question how fond he was of you in the first place, with all of this - & the rest - that has been said. I don't know about cheated on / yes, I guess you could argue, an "emotional affair," if that's even what you'd consider that it was? But I guess it all depends on one's definition of... Do you really want a relationship, that is requiring of such great & exhaustive effort on your behalf? And this is riddled with such conflict? I know that maybe some people thrive off of that. And enjoy all of the verbal sparring sessions. But I question how healthy it is, even for these couples, who engage in this sort of adrenaline surging crises. I understand the reason/s you say, or feel that you are up against it, and backed up against a wall, with respect to timing, and time, and with it not being on your side. Hard to think clearly when so much dramatic and drama-filled, has been happening, and in such a short time-span. Your head must be spinning? I'd say this--it isn't over. Yet! Even if it feels like it is. Yes, this may be. But not that. And that being, the unknown of course. You've proved you've got what it takes to acquire and attract, as well as attain a long term partner. Who may have been lacking on the if not commitment front or end. Than in sharing your same definition, or version of love or of what it is you'd want in a loving, and long-term relationship. You've even proven more recently, that you can catch someone's eye - & their attention - which proves you've still got it. Meaning, if it was done before, it can be done again. Might not happen in a split-second, or at the drop of a hat. You might/may have to decide what is best for sustaining & sustainability now. And then make some appropriate or necessary sacrifices to maintain or stay afloat until you can get once again to a place where you are happier to have found or stumbled upon the right kind of person, who shares more of your same sentiments, and all of that, in a relationship. So, you just never know is all~ // Keep your head up, in spite of it all @Marga . mrb
mrb
Recently, I have been dealing with a problematic tenant whom I rented a place of mine. This is another story... but what I want to say. It is a woman who is an alcoholic, intentionally doesn't pay rent even though she has the money for it (I know it), she is extremely messy, she has rotten food at home. Yet she has two children, and she has friends... I am by far not like that, I am a responsible and decent person. Still no one likes or loves me enough to have cbildren with me. Why? I find it hurtful and unfair. Have to accept that. And still hope like you wrote. Nothing else I can do. Thank you in any case.
You're right, in that it can be difficult to accurately evaluate, or read someone without having ever met or gotten to know them. However, from what little I have read of yours, or you--from you. In so far as I can tell: you don't sound, or come across as someone whom would boast a boatload of undesirable characteristics, or personality traits, maybe that is taking it to far. To try or to attempt to judge someone in that way? You seem to come off, or across to me, as someone who would be able to attract others, and to want to be around and to get to know them, etc. And this includes relationships of all kinds - thinking of it, in my case & or from my perspective as that of a friend, or colleague. Something like that... So while it is common to try & draw some kind of a link, or an association. I'd wonder if you aren't somehow seeing more of the negatives, and the overall ones that had ended in failure, as opposed to those that were either more on the neutral end, or even more likely than that the positive one.
For we can tend to forget them, sometimes, especially throughout our history & when in the rearview. Much like with compliments & everyday praise. We just sort of expect them to be there. Because we have these high standards, or expectations for ourselves. So it is almost as if that is what is expected, or required. In other words--no big deal. Then when we do come across something where it doesn't work out, for whatever reason? A personality conflict, something else. Well, then we just can't seem to quite forgive & forget so easily. And we then collect that sort of in our memory banks. And place them in some kind of our own personal hall of shame. Easily & readily able, or available, to recall. Then next thing you know, we have a more catastrophic one, on the scale, or in those terms.
Suddenly they're right there, when we "need," them. To reinforce all of those negative beliefs, and really, inaccurate and false perceptions.
However, if we ourselves believe them, then they are in fact, true to us! ...I'm really sorry to hear of your horrid & horrible tenant. Talk about a stress, and a stressor!?. . . . I only hope that you wouldn't look at things like that, and compare. Taking away the nature of this relationship, in particular, with the dynamics involved and all. To judge like that, isn't fair to yourself. For we're always going to see the worst side of it, if we compare (ourselves to others). I'm guessing, we too, neglect to see - or fail to somehow (conveniently) - notice those that would feel the same way about us. If viewed in this way, and through this subjective prism? Who knows? maybe in a vacuum... if given the option, and the opportunity in the midst of a discussion, she'd actually entertain the thought, or the notion of trading places with you? Straight-up, your life, for hers (& all that-that entails, or comes with it?).
So you just never know. And even in those situations where you are more apt to be, for lack of a better word, 'right' I still feel it isn't overall a healthy way to be thinking of things. If that makes sense? For all it can do is serve to bring one down. And the opposite of inspire, I guess (missing the word, now). It is early. And I am without coffee - for about 5 more min's! ;D You take care now, and try to have a good day. Or as very good of one, as you can (possibly) have! See you later, @Marga ~mrb.
p. s.) you're right, life isn't fair. but! that's a whole 'nother, story! . . : ) / I think you're doing a really admirable job, for what it's worth.
For we can tend to forget them, sometimes, especially throughout our history & when in the rearview. Much like with compliments & everyday praise. We just sort of expect them to be there. Because we have these high standards, or expectations for ourselves. So it is almost as if that is what is expected, or required. In other words--no big deal. Then when we do come across something where it doesn't work out, for whatever reason? A personality conflict, something else. Well, then we just can't seem to quite forgive & forget so easily. And we then collect that sort of in our memory banks. And place them in some kind of our own personal hall of shame. Easily & readily able, or available, to recall. Then next thing you know, we have a more catastrophic one, on the scale, or in those terms.
Suddenly they're right there, when we "need," them. To reinforce all of those negative beliefs, and really, inaccurate and false perceptions.
However, if we ourselves believe them, then they are in fact, true to us! ...I'm really sorry to hear of your horrid & horrible tenant. Talk about a stress, and a stressor!?. . . . I only hope that you wouldn't look at things like that, and compare. Taking away the nature of this relationship, in particular, with the dynamics involved and all. To judge like that, isn't fair to yourself. For we're always going to see the worst side of it, if we compare (ourselves to others). I'm guessing, we too, neglect to see - or fail to somehow (conveniently) - notice those that would feel the same way about us. If viewed in this way, and through this subjective prism? Who knows? maybe in a vacuum... if given the option, and the opportunity in the midst of a discussion, she'd actually entertain the thought, or the notion of trading places with you? Straight-up, your life, for hers (& all that-that entails, or comes with it?).
So you just never know. And even in those situations where you are more apt to be, for lack of a better word, 'right' I still feel it isn't overall a healthy way to be thinking of things. If that makes sense? For all it can do is serve to bring one down. And the opposite of inspire, I guess (missing the word, now). It is early. And I am without coffee - for about 5 more min's! ;D You take care now, and try to have a good day. Or as very good of one, as you can (possibly) have! See you later, @Marga ~mrb.
p. s.) you're right, life isn't fair. but! that's a whole 'nother, story! . . : ) / I think you're doing a really admirable job, for what it's worth.
And also: it seems that throughout life, don't most (or many) relationships, just end? Or fade away/fade-out, & etc.? Over time. Either for reasons that have nothing to do with fallings-out, or anything of that variety, kind, or type? I guess I'm thinking in terms of friendships. Like say someone changes locations, occupations, adjusts their interests, whatever it was that had bonded you from before or during... & then sometimes we can just -- grow apart. So we don't really have a big fight, or anything. We more just slowly, atrophy, or something like that. Suddenly, ringing them up on the weekend to go & get together like we used to, doesn't seem quite so attractive, or interesting as it did before. Anyway, all of this say, that I think it is more normal to lose people out of our lives, for one reason or another. While we may have some that stick around, and are more active participants, for years & decades, or whatever. It is also quite true, I think, that this isn't always the norm. At least, in my experience. Which again, may be a bit more atypical, than most~ _; )!*
You are not spamming here, I am very sorry for you. But if you are already at this point and know its over - how come he still lives with you, because he does not have something else to stay? if the apartment is on your name - I would pack his stuff, put it in front of the door and change the lock. This is what my mother did after many years of suffering - the point came were its no longer possible. I would help you to get over it - because it would be YOU who take action - stop to suffer. Be active. I know its easy said (love is complicated) but in this case I would not hesitate. Sorry.
It's not spamming, this is what SF is fo.
Maybe if you got to know someone first and checked into their background, it might be ok. Also, if they haven't signed a lease, you could move them out easier if there were a problem.
You could probably making staying work, and also make going back work too. It's just a matter of what you have a preference for. It doesn't sound like there's any clear right or wrong answer, either would be ok.
I don't think that's true. It may feel like that right now, but if you meet the right person you'll probably feel differently.
You just haven't met the right one yet.
Hugs Marga
Maybe if you got to know someone first and checked into their background, it might be ok. Also, if they haven't signed a lease, you could move them out easier if there were a problem.
You could probably making staying work, and also make going back work too. It's just a matter of what you have a preference for. It doesn't sound like there's any clear right or wrong answer, either would be ok.
I don't think that's true. It may feel like that right now, but if you meet the right person you'll probably feel differently.
You just haven't met the right one yet.
Hugs Marga
It is true that relationships end for "natural causes" often. But in fact a lot if my relationships ended due to some issues, mainly people not being nice to me. In general I have much less friends compared to other people in my social groups. For example, in my work team, most people have a closer friend/colleague or a group with whom they meet regularly also outside work. I used to have a small group of girls for some time, but I increasingly didn't feel comfortable with them as they had unpleasant remarks on me. So I stopped meeting them and now have no one. This has mostly been similar in all my school groups etc.