It is what I want, but what neither of us needs

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by AlwaysWondering, Jul 17, 2016.

  1. I've been in a relationship with this some for 5 years. We are highschool sweethearts. Our relationship started off rocky so it kind of makes sense that things stayed that way, but they've also gotten worse. We've always put effort into the relationship and, at one point, loved eachother very much. I have never been the most confident person but a few years into the relationship I my insecurities began eating me alove (I honestly believe social media was just messing me up so bad at the time, and still does). I was so insecure to the point where I was very vigilant about what he did on social media (following girls, talking to girls, abything really ) and when I found things that upset me, that werent necessarily that bad, I felt like I could not trust him. But beyonf that trust I did not feel that he knew ME and my problems due to my insecurities. I was always afraid of him falling in love with someone else, or finding someone more attractive than me. The problem is, I KNOW there will always be someone more attractive, skinnier, and smarter than me, but he did not understand how it affected me. To this day, I still am the same way. I would not say that I need attention but I feel like I need someone to tell me the things I don't think of myself. I counted on him to almost comfort and reassure me of myself, but I never really got that. At this point, I am in complete disgust with myself and because of that I feel like I can lose this guy at any time and I become uptight about things. However, I have noticed changes in him that are not for the better, and sometimes I hope its only my fault for pushing him away instead of him not caring or falling out of love with me. Ive become so lost in my insecurity that tonight, it cost me my 5yr relationship. All our fights are caused by my insecurity and lack of trust. I know that I am the one to have ruined this relationship. But then again couldn't he be a bit more understanding and supportive? He has told me that he is with me becausw he loves me and that nothing or no one would change that, but again, I live in constant fear that he will find something in an other person. I've spent my evening crying, hoping I had the self-esteem and confidence to deal with these petty things that are tearing us apart. Unfortunately, I've grown to loathe myself in and out, that I do not think it is possible to ever mend this broken relationship. I had planned a future with this guy, and he wanted the same also. We are in our 20s and it seems as tho we have grown apart..or maybe we've pushed apart but as of now I do not see this relationship getting any easier. It just may have ended for good tonight. My hope for those reading is to not fall into the pit of insecurity. I would not wish it on my worst enemy to ever hit a point in their life where they feel worthless and even consider taking their own life. Please do not fall into this, stay true to yourself and love who you are.
     
  2. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am Mox

    ARe you two still together or have you two separated?

    Have you thought about you guys going to a marriage counselor?" I really feel like you need to see one as well? Maybe keeping a journal will help you sort out your emotions out? Right now I am reading that you scared and overwhelmed. A lot of differnt emotions come from those two feelings and it is hard to sort out if you keep it all inside of you. Write down how you feel, than throw it away or something. But I promise you , you will feel better.
     
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    My apologies that this thread was not replied to sooner. So how do things stand at this moment in time AW? Has anything changed at all?