Its all I think about.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DontGiveUpOnMe, Jul 20, 2012.

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  1. I woke up this morning, I cant remember going to sleep...
    I cant remember what I did yesterday.
    I dont drink , I dont do drugs...
    I just dont remember things ..
    its 6am...then its 3pm then im at therapy..then next thing I know Im walking around.

    I went to my therapist....and she takes care of me for 50 minutes. then times up..
    and I leave.
    I have horrible flashbacks, I feel pain all around my wrists , i guess my body remembers stuff that my parents did to me...

    whatever. Im too tired....she goes to her family, her kids...
    and me.. its the same as always.

    I would go to school as a kid, and im cared for for a few hours, and then I had to go home to hell.
    I grew up and it was worse....
    Im too tired to "rescue" myself. its so pointless...
    Im too tired of surviving and trying and hoping and pushing through.
    The people I live with still hurt me/hit me....but i cant tell because ill have to relive a nightmare ive lived already more than enough. Im too tired to tell. im too tired .
    who do I have? a therapist???? lol! whats she gonna do?? put me in the hospital.... or just tell me to come in for an extra session? ... fucking great...... what a prospect.

    All I think about is dying, how to die, how I will die....People will probably feel bad a little while, and then they will get over it...
    I will be an awkward conversation over breakfast for a few days...and then everyone moves on...and is told to move on.

    My parents did everything possible to have me at near death almost daily...but not dead.
    now im grown but Im so used to being near dead....I dont know how to live.
    It makes no sense, what the fuck is life...working? eating ? sleeping? and trying your best to rely on people who can never give you what your parents were SUPPOSED to give you?

    what fucking place do I care to have here.
    Nobody gives a sh** about what happens really, and even if they do....well its just too late to care now....because I can't be rescued.
    I can't.
    Its too friggin late.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Sounds like youve been through hell and still going through it.Get away from those that harm you for 1.Get yaself well and there is a place in this world for you.Ya can share these experiences to help others through the same bullshit.But first get yourself well and i know it dosnt seeem pssable at moment but try to keep posative and do posative things and yes i know hard.Work on yourself and make your life better try not let those bad experiences bring you down go for you are worth it.Yes therapists and crap like that can be overwhelming some can be good but you need to find your inner strength and say hey i m standing tall.Keep posting here too as plenty of support.Take care
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