I've had depression for most of my adult life, then I was diagnosed as bipolar after many years.
Even though my personal life has been in turmoil for several years (bad divorce, having to move home several times etc) I was
just about on an even keel for the past year or two.
I met someone early last year and we got engaged just before Christmas. He knows all about my previous history, and knows
that I rely on a daily cocktail of meds to keep my mood on a manageable level. But this weekend...it feels like everything that
COULD go wrong, HAS gone wrong and I'm feeling more desperate than I have for a very long time.
We both went to stay at my daughters for the weekend and ended up staying for an extra couple of nights. I had only taken
enough of my meds to cover our planned stay there (stupid I know) so when I realised we were going to be staying longer,
I split my meds up to cover the extra couple of days. It didn't take long before I felt unreasonably angry and tearful, but I
just about managed to keep a lid on it whilst we were there. To compound the horrible situation, my fiance and I were waiting
to hear if we'd been successful in getting a lease on our first place together.
When we got back to my place yesterday, I was feeling emotionally drained and physically sick because of the drastic reduction in
my meds. But there was a message on my machine saying that we HAD got the lease approved. That gave me a boost and I
went to bed feeling not too bad.
When I woke up this morning, I knew I was in trouble. But instead of saying anything to my fiance, I bottled it up and hoped for
the best. We ended up having the mother of all arguments, like nothing that's ever happened before, and even though I knew
I was being totally unreasonable and out of control, I was downright nasty and told him that I wasn't moving anywhere with him.
He usually leaves my place for a couple of days, between Tuesday and Thursday, so he left as usual but he wouldn't even look
at me, far less talk to me.
I text him a short while later and apologised completely for being such a b*tch but he said he couldn't believe I could be so nasty.
Now he says he's not moving anywhere and he's had enough of my moods. He's the type of person who has to be left alone
for a while when he's angry, whereas my natural reaction to arguments is to try and put things right. But I've managed
to resist bombarding him with text messages and phone calls.
As the day's gone on, I've been physically sick and been having all sorts of horrible thoughts. I know this probably seems extreme
after the scenario I've just outlined, but I think the whole moving house/visiting my daughter/reduced meds situation
has played a huge part in this and now I don't know where to turn.
Part of me's trying to calm down and think positively, how he'll calm down and everything'll be fine in a couple of days when he's
calmed down some and we've had a chance to talk things through. The other part of me can't begin to cope with feeling this way
any longer...in the past it's often been the case that emotional upset can send me spiralling into a deep dark depression.
Because it's been so long, it's really scaring me...part of me had almost forgotten how these mood swings can catch me unawares.
Someone...help me...say something, anything to stop these thoughts running round my head. I took my usual dosage of meds
this morning, so that side of things should hopefully have calmed down again in a few days.
I'm desperate, and feel pathetic because it's over something that seems so pathetic when I read this back.
J
Even though my personal life has been in turmoil for several years (bad divorce, having to move home several times etc) I was
just about on an even keel for the past year or two.
I met someone early last year and we got engaged just before Christmas. He knows all about my previous history, and knows
that I rely on a daily cocktail of meds to keep my mood on a manageable level. But this weekend...it feels like everything that
COULD go wrong, HAS gone wrong and I'm feeling more desperate than I have for a very long time.
We both went to stay at my daughters for the weekend and ended up staying for an extra couple of nights. I had only taken
enough of my meds to cover our planned stay there (stupid I know) so when I realised we were going to be staying longer,
I split my meds up to cover the extra couple of days. It didn't take long before I felt unreasonably angry and tearful, but I
just about managed to keep a lid on it whilst we were there. To compound the horrible situation, my fiance and I were waiting
to hear if we'd been successful in getting a lease on our first place together.
When we got back to my place yesterday, I was feeling emotionally drained and physically sick because of the drastic reduction in
my meds. But there was a message on my machine saying that we HAD got the lease approved. That gave me a boost and I
went to bed feeling not too bad.
When I woke up this morning, I knew I was in trouble. But instead of saying anything to my fiance, I bottled it up and hoped for
the best. We ended up having the mother of all arguments, like nothing that's ever happened before, and even though I knew
I was being totally unreasonable and out of control, I was downright nasty and told him that I wasn't moving anywhere with him.
He usually leaves my place for a couple of days, between Tuesday and Thursday, so he left as usual but he wouldn't even look
at me, far less talk to me.
I text him a short while later and apologised completely for being such a b*tch but he said he couldn't believe I could be so nasty.
Now he says he's not moving anywhere and he's had enough of my moods. He's the type of person who has to be left alone
for a while when he's angry, whereas my natural reaction to arguments is to try and put things right. But I've managed
to resist bombarding him with text messages and phone calls.
As the day's gone on, I've been physically sick and been having all sorts of horrible thoughts. I know this probably seems extreme
after the scenario I've just outlined, but I think the whole moving house/visiting my daughter/reduced meds situation
has played a huge part in this and now I don't know where to turn.
Part of me's trying to calm down and think positively, how he'll calm down and everything'll be fine in a couple of days when he's
calmed down some and we've had a chance to talk things through. The other part of me can't begin to cope with feeling this way
any longer...in the past it's often been the case that emotional upset can send me spiralling into a deep dark depression.
Because it's been so long, it's really scaring me...part of me had almost forgotten how these mood swings can catch me unawares.
Someone...help me...say something, anything to stop these thoughts running round my head. I took my usual dosage of meds
this morning, so that side of things should hopefully have calmed down again in a few days.
I'm desperate, and feel pathetic because it's over something that seems so pathetic when I read this back.
J
