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It's kinda like i don't exist

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Neverhere, Aug 23, 2006.

  1. Neverhere

    Neverhere Guest

    I guess i'm just feeling frustrated about my family again. I have noted in another thread i think i have social anxiety and as such i dont want to go out anywhere or see anyone apart from my mum and grandparents. I havent told my family how going out makes me feel because i just get the pull myself back togehter treatment. Easy to say not easy to do. Also i like writing poetry and songs and i've recently got a poem published in a book. Sure my family were delighted when i told them but they've never supported my dreams for as long as i can remember. I love singing and have been in various choirs over the years and i have been told by my friends and one of my cousins that my voice is quite good. I quit college last year after a few days and my family think i never gave it a chance. But i already knew like school i'd fuck it up somehow or soemthing would happen. My cousin Helena passed college and is now off to uni and my other cousin Greg is a whizz kid with computers and electronics. Then u have me the poet. My point is my family think tht i should go back to college and get an education but i dont want, the thought of talking face to face with ppl is terrifying. I get no sympathy out of my mother and she knows i have a tendancy to panic. If i start to panic i say mum im panicking she says well don't why?. i cant control it it's automatic now. I wrote a poem about my grandmas budgie the other day and i used metaphors the lot. I read it to her i got thats nice in a monotonous voice. Im sick of being the one who feels like a loser, sick of my cousins telling me how to live. Sure i havent got a job but i cant bear the idea of it at the moment. I feel like i'm meant to just give in and please my family cause i know they're screams would be louder if i came home with a degree rather than my poem in a book.:mad: :sad: :sad: :mad:
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There comes a time in our lives when we have to make the decision to do what is best for ourselves. If you enjoy singing and poetry, follow those lines. Yes a degree is a good thing to have and maybe someday you will do that. You can't make everyone happy all the time. Work to make yourself happy. If you are at peace with the person you are, others will learn to accept that as well. You are worth something. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Take care hun. :hug:
  3. Cheesecake

    Cheesecake Well-Known Member

    Yeah we must get those pieces of paper cause without those pieces of paper were worthless to society right? I mean we cant sit at a desk filling out spreadhseets all day unless we study great literary novels for three years :rolleyes:
  4. rachypooh

    rachypooh Well-Known Member

    Just do what you need to, to get through life. Maybe a degree is down the line but if you cant handle it now, dont do it just because of family pressure, I know easier said than done but its time to put you first no matter what they think. It is great you got a poem published that is such a big thing to have done. I have also had a poem published and my family didnt give a stuff, they dont understand why I write.
    If writing and singing is what you enjoy follow something in those lines. Do what you need to, to get and stay happy

  5. Neverhere

    Neverhere Guest

    Thanks for replying everyone. It's annoying but somehow ill figure it out. Im also really bitter about my cousin helena. She seems to get everything she wants and i feel jealous even though i kno i shouldn't. She has a family with 2 parents and 2 brothers. my father broke up with my mum wen i was two, threatened my grandparents with murder threw bricks through there windows and kidnapped me. It sounds ridiculous but according to my gran it happened. Then there is my reason for this whole destruction, my so called step father who very kindly sexually abused me for six years of my worthless life. I feel liek she has so much and i have so little. I also feel she uses her life to patronise me. I did bad at school as a repercussion of the abuse though i never knew it at the time. I self harmed, drank before school and ran out regularly. She however is now going to York university and i always feel sjes setting a standard ill never be able to touch. Oh and now she going to be on the telly BBC two september 6/8 i cant remember which one. So now shes beaten me getting published. I think i hate her and it's wrong. Shes also been in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half. Somehow instead of feelnig happy i feel sick when i think of it and almost hope something bad happens to her. I know it's evil to think like tht but right now she seems to be little miss perfect and i just know christmas is going to be really hard, cause without a doubt ill have to see her. i also dont want her to come on my 18th birthday night out. Sorry for ranting on a bit
  6. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    I just wanted to say, i know what you mean about people not supporting your dreams. Im a writer too and i know what its like to have people telling you "dont do that, its stupid" and the same goes with my art. I would really like to read some of your poems (if you dont mind). Keep up the writing, too many people let others make them be uncreative. Follow your dreams.

    ps its really a shame that people make us feel like we dont exist, i feel that way too, but i know you exist and i am excited that i got to meet you on SF!
  7. Neverhere

    Neverhere Guest

    Thnx for replying. I'll post something tomorrow tho it'll probs be more of a song than a poem. i left them at home lol. It's just shit how because i havent put my soul on a piece of paper i am less important.
  8. neonspoon

    neonspoon Guest

    Awesome im really excited to read it! song writing is amazing to me. I cant carry a tune in a bucket lol :tongue:
  9. Neverhere

    Neverhere Guest

    Lol :smile: thnx hun well im goin now lol byeee nd thnx to everyone again xxx love you all :biggrin:
  10. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser ever to live.

    Goodnight and take care. Just wanted you to know that I also have social anxiety as well, haven't had any friends or social contact for quite a while, only my little brother...sigh...so pathetic.
  11. Neverhere

    Neverhere Guest

    I feel the same, the only contact i want is with my mother and my grandparents. I also have no friends and i dont really want them. Life is really stressful now. :mad: