every day is a battle with anxiety. why am i the one that has to keep the friendship alive? i never do anything. i had so many people say "you coming home for break, we should do something" then they never wanna do anything. my friend said he'd call me at 8... 1.5 hours later still nothing. i'm sure he's out with my others friends, and they don't want to hangout with me. home sucks. being home really sucks, it hurts. i feel so pathetic. i have one friend at school. in 5 years of college i've made 2 friends. 1 at both schools. i wish i had a girlfriend but i dont know how to talk to girls. i feel like a loser for trying online dating, but even that never works. this girl added me on facebook after talking on a website, but i'm not even on her chat list so what's the point of that.... i'm pathetic. but i can't quit. i never sleep, i have anxiety 24/7. i always feel bad about my past. i just want to scream i'm sorry at people, but it doesn't matter, the damage is done. ostracized from an entire community because i couldn't control my anger. every day it feels like i'm in prison. i might as well be. i play 1 video game online and spend the rest of my time scrolling up and down on facebook, feigning a social life, hoping one day someone from my past will want to reconnect. it sucks. i hate this fake existence. i'm ready for something real. it's been over 2 years since i've even kissed a girl, let alone had sex. it just seems like there's no hope. there no sense in dwelling in that past, so i bury it, and act like i'm happy, but i'm not. it's killing me.