I've become the abuser.

[BusyBusyBusy]

Long story short I have become the abuser.

I feel rage and depression all the time.

I have had suicidal thoughts almost everyday for a year.

I'm lost.

 

[gypsylee]

Hi @BusyBusyBusy and welcome to SF.

Obviously I don’t know the long story but at least you are aware of being abusive.

As for being lost - this forum has so many insightful, compassionate people as members. I’m sure we can help you..

Gypsy x

 

[Patafikss]

I... I relate a bit. I went to a point where I knew I was doing something bad, but I couldn't stop.
It takes a lot to change, but you have to do it, be it for your own sake.
Don't hesitate to come in the chat and talk about you.
With Love

 

[Bergerac]

I have had this experience myself. You are abused so badly yourself that you end up retaliating, and carrying out the same pattern of behaviour as your original abuser. You don’t say who you believe you’re abusing. Is it your abuser or an innocent party? If it’s the former, it’s understandable, but it’s clearly making you feel bad and so is not worth losing the good person you were prior to your own abusive experience. Real abusers are never really loved. I don’t want you to end up bitter and resentful, and you’re clearly a good person, as you have a conscience enough to recognise you’re doing wrong and ask for guidance. However hard it is, please try and resist and revert back to your former self, even if it means talking to someone professional to help you. You mustn’t let this ruin your life. Good luck to you.
Rise above the original abuser, who is no doubt not even half the person you are.

 

[Winter Blues]

Long story short I have become the abuser.

I feel rage and depression all the time.

I have had suicidal thoughts almost everyday for a year.

I'm lost.

Hi Busy and welcome. I agree with Charley .. the fact that you have not only realised that some of your behaviour or words could be seen as abusive, but you have come on here to talk about it - means to me that you care. You don’t want to be that person. Your caring heart is much stronger than this temporary behaviour. I wonder if your abuser has acknowledged their actions or are they blind in the belief that they are ok like so many abusers. Keep talking in here sweetheart. Everyone is here to help you .. sending hugs xx

 

[Walker]

Do you care to tell us more about this?

 

[BusyBusyBusy]

Thanks for all of your responses. Most of the men in my family are abusive and selfish. My family is not really close and I feel like nobody cares about each other really. I feel like people will only care about me if I’m doing well and I don’t ask them for anything. If I’m struggling nobody knows me or wants to really help. My mental illness is getting worse. I have started hearing voices. Not like just little sounds but like people talking about me. I was in a bar and I went to the restroom because I wasn’t feeling well and I just started to hear people talking about me at the bar. Idk if it was real or not. Then I went by my friends house and I imagined someone talking about me I think. I have no insurance and I can’t afford medication. I don’t have the capacity to help myself right now and I really don’t have anyone who will really help me. I’m tired. All the time.

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

When you say that you've become the abuser, do you mean that you're now abusing yourself, the way others have abused you in the past?

 

[Deety]

Hi Busy, that sounds distressing, I'm sorry nobody is there for you irl. Have you been diagnosed with a mental health disorder? Are there organisations who may be able to help you?

 

[BusyBusyBusy]

I tried to sign up for some health insurance coverage but idk if it’s legit. I think I have schizophrenia. Idk. I can’t use any benefits for 30 days and right after I paid and signed some waivers online I was disconnected. I feel like this is all just a sick joke someone is playing on me. I can’t wait 30 days. I don’t feel like I have 30 days.

 

[may71]

I have no insurance and I can’t afford medication

If you are in the US or Canada, you could try calling 211 or visiting 211.org. They can help connect you to healthcare and other services.

I hope that something can help

 

[weirdjen]

Long story short I have become the abuser.

I feel rage and depression all the time.

I have had suicidal thoughts almost everyday for a year.

I'm lost.

I tend to think that no one is exactly perfectly good. We all have flaws and that's what makes us human. However, there is always a room for change.