I've fallen and I can't get up....

[Scraps]

A friend told me that a client of hers described his feeling of depression - and multiple suicide attempts - as having fallen into a deep hole but catching the sides. And at some point your arms are simply going to give out. On May 20, 2017, my arms gave out. I've known since I was 12 years old that I would leave this earth by suicide. It's a secret I had held for 37 years, never once telling anyone. <mod edit> methods </mod edit> Oh NO moment to say the least. I still have no one to talk to about it. I feel tremendous guilt for being suicidal when I actually have a good life. I have lots of friends, but so many of them are dealing with actual crises in their lives (such as sudden death of a boyfriend, divorce, child with heroin addiction, etc. ) that I would never bother them with this issue. My husband is still furious and may never forgive me for doing this to him. Because not only do my close friends and co-workers know what I did, but my friend who is law enforcement found me when she broke into my home because I hadn't answered my phone. Since she's the one who called for help, I've been told my street was filled with police, fire and EMS. Since my husband was a cop, you can imagine he was mortified. Then add to that he had to clean up behind the first responders, and since I didn't leave a note, put him at risk for investigation if I had succeeded. My children don't know and I don't plan to ever tell them. I've been looking for a way to connect with others that have been brought back and forced to face life again, for now. Today, I found this site.

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going though this, but I'm glad that you found SF
Hello and welcome!

I have lots of friends, but so many of them are dealing with actual crises in their lives (such as sudden death of a boyfriend, divorce, child with heroin addiction, etc. ) that I would never bother them with this issue

You are dealing with an actual crisis as well. It may not be one that you can point to and explain so easily, but it's as real as anyone else's.

My husband is still furious and may never forgive me for doing this to him

It's understandable that he's upset, but I think he should be supportive of you rather than mad at you. People make attempts because they can't stand the pain anymore...the fact that you were in enough pain to make an attempt is what should figure in his mind most prominently.

since I didn't leave a note, put him at risk for investigation if I had succeeded

Yeah, he might have been investigated, but I don't think that he ever would have been charged

 

[EmB]

Hey there, and welcome to SF!

Sorry for what you've gone through. A lot of people feel like their problems aren't as bad as others and so keep them hidden. You shouldn't feel guilty that you're struggling because you "have a good life". If you're struggling, you're struggling, no matter what. It's like saying to someone with a broken leg that they shouldn't be sad because some people have two broken legs. Or like saying that someone who's rich and got a loving family and whatever shouldn't be sad if they broke their leg. It's ridiculous. Your problems may not be physical but that's the only difference they have - they're just as heavy to carry and just as damaging if not dealt with.

I can't promise we can fix your problems but on here, I promise you there'll always be someone to talk to. Being able to talk without a filter, and being able to receive all this love, support, advice... it's incredible. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[Scraps]

Thank you EmB and may71. I must admit - I feel a sense of panic since <mod edit - method> I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong that made my attempt unsuccessful - and what I would do differently next time. Next time I would leave a note, I would not do it in my home (to alleviate the mess) and I would not send out a text with a work instruction (my co-trainers and I were scheduled to leave the next day to teach, and my co-trainer was alarmed that I was calling out sick a day in advance). My body feels like it's in fight or flight 24/7. My primary care doc ran lots of tests to see if a medical issue was the cause. The psychiatrist I was sent to told me that he doesn't know how to work with someone like me because his specialty is substance abuse. I've been seeing a counselor once a week since my attempt (I had never seen one before), but I don't say much because I'm not sure I really want her to know what I'm thinking. I'm not at risk for another attempt right now because it will <mod edit - method> At times I feel consumed with planning for the next attempt. My husband is so angry - I do my best to avoid him. He's mad about so many aspects of what I did - that I didn't leave a note, that he had to clean up the mess from the first responders, that people were asking about me but not asking how he was through all of this.... In my heart of hearts, I believe he wishes I had succeeded, but that I had taken care of several things first. Tonight all I could do was pace in my sunroom screaming obscenities and crying about why I wasn't I successful (no one else was home, so I could do that).

 

[may71]

Thank you EmB and may71

You're welcome!

The psychiatrist I was sent to told me that he doesn't know how to work with someone like me because his specialty is substance abuse

Can he refer you to someone else?

He's mad about so many aspects of what I did - that I didn't leave a note, that he had to clean up the mess from the first responders, that people were asking about me but not asking how he was through all of this

I just don't think he's being reasonable at all. Do you think that your relationship is part of why you feel suicidal?

 

[Walker]

Hi there
You didn't arrive here with the usual cause that people do so that's kind of interesting.
I think your thoughts weighing so heavily on trying to stack meds is poor thinking. Maybe you should try to look ahead at what the future holds instead of trying to look at the "failure". Perhaps there's a reason for what happened. Lots of people feel similar to you when they are found but often they come to realize the things they would have missed (kids growing up or getting married or a long awaited vacation somewhere they always wanted to go.. fill in the blanks with whatever)
Your husband is likely frustrated at the attempt and now your lack of talking to him about what happened, don't you think? I mean, you were going to do something pretty severe and leave him with no idea why. And you're still thinking about it! How would that feel if the tables were turned? If you just came home one day and he was dead in the kitchen? That's kind of traumatizing. Or if you've got kids and one of them attempted - how would that strike you?
I "get" that idea behind feeling your whole life like you won't leave the earth in a natural way. I feel pretty similarly so it's strange to feel so strongly sometimes that it's such a fucked up way to leave people behind but then think you could do that to them as well. No death is worse than a suicide - there's no note or reason that makes it "ok" enough that people are just like "oh, well she had her reasons so it's fine". That's the truth.
I hope you start feeling better soon. This place is pretty nifty and full of lots of people to talk with. And we're here pretty much 24/7 so it's some good free, uplifting chat when you feel like crap in the middle of the night. I hope this finds you feeling a little better. We're glad you made it. Take care.

 

[Sunspots]

Hey @Scraps

I could have written your post myself apart from it was 29th May for me. I had researched and hoarded my meds for a long time. The reason it didn't work for me was that I took myself off somewhere I thought I wouldn't be found but it was a cold night and hypothermia set in and slowed my metabolism down. I was also found by the police and woke up in hospital nearly two days later.

I'm still feeling so angry. Mainly at myself for not realising what the cold would do. And for leaving a letter at home for my husband and kids. They shouldn't have found it until after but due to the cold...

We live in a small village and it feels like everybody knows. Our neighbours all know due to the police cars parked outside our house all night. And my mother has helpfully filled in half the people in the village and my entire family. I can no longer go into any local shops etc for fear of people seeing me and saying something.

The crisis team visit me nearly every day to check I'm still breathing and to try to get me to go into hospital. But I've yet to start any therapy or counseling.

This place has been amazing, it's kept me alive and even given me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to get through this. I'm willing to try as I've nothing to lose anymore.

I'm sure you'll get a huge amount of support here. It's a safe place to talk, be listened to and to help others.

Feel free to message me any time you want.

Lucy

 

[Ladybug19]

Welcome Scraps,
As you can see there are others to listen to you and understand as many have gone through similar stuff. I'm sorry your feeling so low that you tried to hurt yourself.
Your family cares for you. It may seem your husband is angry but that may be his way of dealing with all this at the moment. Recently, I went through a battle of keeping myself safe. My family stepped in to ensure I was safe. For over 2 months I was with someone 24/7. It was eye opening about their fears and concerns. I also am connected with a women whose husband committed suicide. Shes an incredible lady, but how it affected her and her kids is heart breaking.
As much as your hurting right now. Remember there is this place full of people who'll listen and do what they can to help. There are people who care. We do. Your family does.
You've been feeling this way since you were 12. You have some deep hurts. It'll take time to heal. Be good to yourself and let that happen. You're worth it.
It's ok to change counselors. When you are looking for one ask if he or she specializes in trauma. Counselors have specialties.
You can do this! I'm here if you want to chat.

 

[EmB]

Thank you EmB and may71. I must admit - I feel a sense of panic since my stash of prescriptions are all gone (I took them all). It took time to build that inventory - having to wait for insurance to allow the next refills, seeing multiple doctors so it didn't red flag anywhere the combinations I was collecting... I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong that made my attempt unsuccessful - and what I would do differently next time. Next time I would leave a note, I would not do it in my home (to alleviate the mess) and I would not send out a text with a work instruction (my co-trainers and I were scheduled to leave the next day to teach, and my co-trainer was alarmed that I was calling out sick a day in advance). My body feels like it's in fight or flight 24/7. My primary care doc ran lots of tests to see if a medical issue was the cause. The psychiatrist I was sent to told me that he doesn't know how to work with someone like me because his specialty is substance abuse. I've been seeing a counselor once a week since my attempt (I had never seen one before), but I don't say much because I'm not sure I really want her to know what I'm thinking. I'm not at risk for another attempt right now because it will take time to build my inventory back up. I had the right combination - I was just found too soon. At times I feel consumed with planning for the next attempt. My husband is so angry - I do my best to avoid him. He's mad about so many aspects of what I did - that I didn't leave a note, that he had to clean up the mess from the first responders, that people were asking about me but not asking how he was through all of this.... In my heart of hearts, I believe he wishes I had succeeded, but that I had taken care of several things first. Tonight all I could do was pace in my sunroom screaming obscenities and crying about why I wasn't I successful (no one else was home, so I could do that).

Hey again

I can really hear the pain in your voice reading that. I'm sorry you're struggling so much.

A lot of people feel that way about counselors, therapists, etc. and I think breaking that boundary is a huge step for anyone. They work with people who feel the same way as you all the time. Its always good to remember that what you say is withheld confidentially and they want to help you - but I think if you develop the relationship with your counselor and push yourself to give out thoughts and feelings (not something huge straight away, baby steps) then this would be a giant step in helping you.

Your mind is so set on them idea of suicide. I was wondering, is there another way out? Is there another solution to what you're dealing with here? For me, while I'm not feeling down, my focus is to work on planning every aspect I can for moving away as soon as I can. Just leaving to somewhere (I was thinking Italy, maybe) and starting my life again. It doesn't have to be as drastic as another country but sometimes just restarting everything can be very beneficial. I've not done much research into alternatives of suicide but I'm happy to if you want.

On another note, I would understand your husband being mad, but not for those reasons. My favourite analogy is a boy running into the road and a father runs and picks him up just before he gets hit by the car and the father keeps hitting him again and again just out of the sheer panic that he'd nearly lost him, when we don't know how to direct our feelings or control them. Your husband isn't doing anything like that. He seems mad because your suicide attempt was an inconvenience to him. As someone who is meant to "love til death do part" it worries me for you that he reacts in this way.

Whatever your step forward and whatever you wanna do, we're here for you. Keep us updated would love to hear how you're getting on.

Sending hugs

Em

 

[Scraps]

Thank you. I will call and schedule my next appt with the therapist. I stay really busy, so one would think I don't have time to have depressive thoughts, between my job, my kids. I've tried over and over all of the things that are supposed to help make you feel better - I eat well, take all of the supplements that are supposed to help with mood (like magnesium citrate, etc.) and hit the gym religiously. Moving and starting over isn't an option. My son is on the autism spectrum and is in a school that is a great fit for him, and I helped my daughter get into the magnet program this coming year for her dream job to be a vet. I have a great job with co-workers I love, and our jobs are to help people - which should also be a mood lifter. Knowing all of that, it doesn't even make sense that I wish I wasn't here. I feel stupid and whiney for even saying these things, which is why I have never told people I know, and am avoiding calls and meet-ups. Do you spend a tremendous amount of effort and energy to put on a facade that you feel great? Have you ever worked with a psychiatrist and found medications that have made a difference?

 

[Scraps]

Hi there
You didn't arrive here with the usual cause that people do so that's kind of interesting.
I think your thoughts weighing so heavily on trying to stack meds is poor thinking. Maybe you should try to look ahead at what the future holds instead of trying to look at the "failure". Perhaps there's a reason for what happened. Lots of people feel similar to you when they are found but often they come to realize the things they would have missed (kids growing up or getting married or a long awaited vacation somewhere they always wanted to go.. fill in the blanks with whatever)
Your husband is likely frustrated at the attempt and now your lack of talking to him about what happened, don't you think? I mean, you were going to do something pretty severe and leave him with no idea why. And you're still thinking about it! How would that feel if the tables were turned? If you just came home one day and he was dead in the kitchen? That's kind of traumatizing. Or if you've got kids and one of them attempted - how would that strike you?
I "get" that idea behind feeling your whole life like you won't leave the earth in a natural way. I feel pretty similarly so it's strange to feel so strongly sometimes that it's such a fucked up way to leave people behind but then think you could do that to them as well. No death is worse than a suicide - there's no note or reason that makes it "ok" enough that people are just like "oh, well she had her reasons so it's fine". That's the truth.
I hope you start feeling better soon. This place is pretty nifty and full of lots of people to talk with. And we're here pretty much 24/7 so it's some good free, uplifting chat when you feel like crap in the middle of the night. I hope this finds you feeling a little better. We're glad you made it. Take care.

Thank you. I'm curious - you said I didn't arrive here with the usual cause that people do. Can you tell me how so?

I agree with you that it had to be traumatic to those closest to me to know I had done this (what to them I'm sure seemed out of nowhere) and not left notes. But at that moment, I honestly believed that I had failed everyone in my life and that I was relieving them. And I have thought about how I would have felt if I found my husband or kids in the same situation, and yes, I feel my world would have collapsed. But I have it stuck in my head that their lives have more value. Logically, I KNOW that thinking is the problem.

 

[A guy with feelings]

I feel stupid and whiney for even saying these things, which is why I have never told people I know, and am avoiding calls and meet-ups.

I felt the same way. I thought "other people here have so much bigger problems than I do. I only lost a girl, and other people live with drunks and deal with it. What makes me special?"
But others here and in chat have reassured me that hurt is hurt! Whether large or small, the pain is real! You are in a good place here. I've been seeing a therapist and also a Christian counselor, but the people in the forum and especially in chat have done more for me in the past month than all the professionals I have seen! Stick around, Bask in the love that people here - people who have BEEN THERE - have for you, and heal. You are not alone.

 

[Scraps]

Hey @Scraps

I could have written your post myself apart from it was 29th May for me. I had researched and hoarded my meds for a long time. The reason it didn't work for me was that I took myself off somewhere I thought I wouldn't be found but it was a cold night and hypothermia set in and slowed my metabolism down. I was also found by the police and woke up in hospital nearly two days later.

I'm still feeling so angry. Mainly at myself for not realising what the cold would do. And for leaving a letter at home for my husband and kids. They shouldn't have found it until after but due to the cold...

We live in a small village and it feels like everybody knows. Our neighbours all know due to the police cars parked outside our house all night. And my mother has helpfully filled in half the people in the village and my entire family. I can no longer go into any local shops etc for fear of people seeing me and saying something.

The crisis team visit me nearly every day to check I'm still breathing and to try to get me to go into hospital. But I've yet to start any therapy or counseling.

This place has been amazing, it's kept me alive and even given me a glimmer of hope that I might be able to get through this. I'm willing to try as I've nothing to lose anymore.

I'm sure you'll get a huge amount of support here. It's a safe place to talk, be listened to and to help others.

Feel free to message me any time you want.

Lucy

I know what you mean about feeling everyone knows. I actually work with police/fire/EMS all over our state (I'm a civilian instructor for them), so that's partly why so many first responders were at my house. I'm grateful I was unconscious at the time. It didn't take long for first responders from my local agency to spread the word to other agencies. That's good that you have a crisis team checking on you. My experience through my job is that crisis team members are some of the most wonderful and compassionate people. But I understand if each time they show up all you can think is, "oh no, not again...." It really does seem we might be living parallel lives. Can I ask - because two other moms in my town jumped from the same parking garage a year apart - and I've wished I could have talked to them and asked what they were thinking and feeling that got them to that point - what brought you to May 29?

 

[Scraps]

Welcome Scraps,
As you can see there are others to listen to you and understand as many have gone through similar stuff. I'm sorry your feeling so low that you tried to hurt yourself.
Your family cares for you. It may seem your husband is angry but that may be his way of dealing with all this at the moment. Recently, I went through a battle of keeping myself safe. My family stepped in to ensure I was safe. For over 2 months I was with someone 24/7. It was eye opening about their fears and concerns. I also am connected with a women whose husband committed suicide. Shes an incredible lady, but how it affected her and her kids is heart breaking.
As much as your hurting right now. Remember there is this place full of people who'll listen and do what they can to help. There are people who care. We do. Your family does.
You've been feeling this way since you were 12. You have some deep hurts. It'll take time to heal. Be good to yourself and let that happen. You're worth it.
It's ok to change counselors. When you are looking for one ask if he or she specializes in trauma. Counselors have specialties.
You can do this! I'm here if you want to chat.

Thank you. It's not that I necessarily want to change counselors - the one I've started seeing seems nice and seems to have experience with people like me. But when you've held the secret for 37 years and have somewhat perfected hiding these feelings, it's really really hard to tell someone face to face. It sounds like something must be better that maybe now you don't need someone 24/7 (forgive me if I'm wrong). How did you get to that point?

 

[Sunspots]

Hi @Scraps

what brought you to May 29?

Like you, I have had these thoughts since I was a small child. I had an attempt as a teenager but everyone assumed it was just me being melodramatic with teenage angst. I then had another attempt in my 20's when I caught my husband in bed with my best friend. We managed to get over that but since then I've always known it's just a matter of time. I'm now 48 and our children are almost self sufficient now, our eldest is 20 and works full time in a well paid job that he loves. Our youngest is 18 and away at college studying to be a veterinary nurse (she didn't quite get the grades needed to be a vet). They don't need me like they did when they were small. My marriage is really struggling, it has been for many years. I love him but I don't get what I need from him. I'm pretty sure he has undiagnosed Asperger's and he finds it almost impossible to express any emotion other than anger. I can't remember the last time he touched me, it must have been years ago. I was diagnosed with breast cancer nearly four years ago and went to every appointment and treatment on my own, he didn't attend any of them with me which hurt like hell.
Recently an old school friend tracked me down on Facebook and we've been messaging and catching up. Things gradually heated up and I lapped it up. He would text every morning to see how I was and we would message each other constantly throughout the day. He told me I was sexy and gorgeous and would tell me how much he wanted to hold me and kiss the back of my neck (I won't go into further detail Lol!). We eventually agreed to meet up. He lives a few hours away so I was going to drive to his place and spend the night. I got halfway there and thought "What the hell am I doing??". I knew I'm just not the kind of girl to do that, it's just not me. So I turned the car around, came home and told him thanks but no thanks. But the guilt over it was all consuming and I think it was that that tipped the scales.

I have learned from my mistakes on May 29th. I now know not to take my phone with me (the police used it to trace me), not bother with meds as there are too many unknowns with them and to not leave a note. I have a plan which I believe is foolproof, even by my standards. But I can wait - I've felt like this for so many years, what are another few months? And in those few months I can give therapy a go. I have nothing to lose by trying.

 

[Ladybug19]

It sounds like something must be better that maybe now you don't need someone 24/7 (forgive me if I'm wrong). How did you get to that point?

I am in a safer place then before. Time... Doing things that are best for me. I probably went back to work too soon, but I went back part time. There was only 4 more weeks before summer break. So now I have 7 more weeks before I officially go back to work, but i am preparing a little every week.
It's good to be at SF these past 10 days. I've started a safety plan. People have suggested resources I've checked out. It's a place with people who understand you.
It's not going to be easy, but it does get better. How have things gone today?

 

[EmB]

Thank you. I will call and schedule my next appt with the therapist. I stay really busy, so one would think I don't have time to have depressive thoughts, between my job, my kids. I've tried over and over all of the things that are supposed to help make you feel better - I eat well, take all of the supplements that are supposed to help with mood (like magnesium citrate, etc.) and hit the gym religiously. Moving and starting over isn't an option. My son is on the autism spectrum and is in a school that is a great fit for him, and I helped my daughter get into the magnet program this coming year for her dream job to be a vet. I have a great job with co-workers I love, and our jobs are to help people - which should also be a mood lifter. Knowing all of that, it doesn't even make sense that I wish I wasn't here. I feel stupid and whiney for even saying these things, which is why I have never told people I know, and am avoiding calls and meet-ups. Do you spend a tremendous amount of effort and energy to put on a facade that you feel great? Have you ever worked with a psychiatrist and found medications that have made a difference?

Hey Scraps

Is getting away for a few days an option? Holidays or taking time out? Have you ever voiced these frustrations to a therapist?

You shouldn't feel whiney or stupid for feeling this way. Depression, biologically speaking, is a chemical imbalance. You arent responsible for having those thoughts. A lot of people who seem to have their life together can turn out to be on the verge of suicide. You are allowed to be struggling.

I used to spend every day playing that facade. Nowadays I stay in bed rather than try, which is extremely counter-productive. I've only talked to two therapists before. The first one was loopy as hell, but the one I have now, I've only seen him 3 times but I feel like we are making progress. Even just being able to talk to someone honestly and openly is a great stress reliever.

I can't promise things can get better because none of us ever know whats going to happen. But I can promise you wont be doing it on your own anymore. Theres always someone here for you, someone who knows what youre going through.

You seem like a really decent person Scraps, and I hope you get a change and things get better for you, because you dont deserve this. Sending hugs.

Em

 

[Scraps]

Hi @Scraps

Like you, I have had these thoughts since I was a small child. I had an attempt as a teenager but everyone assumed it was just me being melodramatic with teenage angst. I then had another attempt in my 20's when I caught my husband in bed with my best friend. We managed to get over that but since then I've always known it's just a matter of time. I'm now 48 and our children are almost self sufficient now, our eldest is 20 and works full time in a well paid job that he loves. Our youngest is 18 and away at college studying to be a veterinary nurse (she didn't quite get the grades needed to be a vet). They don't need me like they did when they were small. My marriage is really struggling, it has been for many years. I love him but I don't get what I need from him. I'm pretty sure he has undiagnosed Asperger's and he finds it almost impossible to express any emotion other than anger. I can't remember the last time he touched me, it must have been years ago. I was diagnosed with breast cancer nearly four years ago and went to every appointment and treatment on my own, he didn't attend any of them with me which hurt like hell.
Recently an old school friend tracked me down on Facebook and we've been messaging and catching up. Things gradually heated up and I lapped it up. He would text every morning to see how I was and we would message each other constantly throughout the day. He told me I was sexy and gorgeous and would tell me how much he wanted to hold me and kiss the back of my neck (I won't go into further detail Lol!). We eventually agreed to meet up. He lives a few hours away so I was going to drive to his place and spend the night. I got halfway there and thought "What the hell am I doing??". I knew I'm just not the kind of girl to do that, it's just not me. So I turned the car around, came home and told him thanks but no thanks. But the guilt over it was all consuming and I think it was that that tipped the scales.

I have learned from my mistakes on May 29th. I now know not to take my phone with me (the police used it to trace me), not bother with meds as there are too many unknowns with them and to not leave a note. I have a plan which I believe is foolproof, even by my standards. But I can wait - I've felt like this for so many years, what are another few months? And in those few months I can give therapy a go. I have nothing to lose by trying.

For me, my husband was the tipping point. He's very jealous (even though I do nothing suspicious) and seems to always be angry with me - each day for something new. I have no doubt that my next attempt will also be on a day when he sends me over the edge. It hurts that after my attempt he never said he loved me and wanted me to stick around with him. Instead, he complained to my mom and friends that came to the hospital that it made him look bad since he was a cop and couldn't control his own family, that he had to clean up the mess from the first responders, that since I didn't leave a note would mean he would be investigated (even though he would have been cleared, it was the inconvenience and how it would make him look). I'm not allowed to talk about the attempt or how I feel with him or with my friends. He has sent texts to my mom and 2 close friends to complain about me since the attempt.

 

[Sassy Cat]

Hay I am sorry your husband is treating you this way. It's not fair that he is making it about him when it's about you and your feelings. Please try and let therapy help you. I know this is not going to be easy but hopefully therapy will get you to a better place and we will be here for you also hugs

 

[Sunspots]

Hey @Scraps

Is your husband genuinely angry about it or do you think it could be his coping strategy?

I ask because my husband sounds very similar. He finds it almost impossible to show any emotion other than anger and frustration, with myself and our children. He's the type that always sees the negative. My daughter has just got her results for her first year at college. She got an overall Distinction and a Distinction for all of the eight subjects apart from one in which she got a Merit (still a good grade). But all he can focus on is how to improve in that one subject and has not once said "Well done". I cannot remember the last time he held my hand or hugged me. Even when I came round in the hospital, he stayed over the other side of the room while my friend sat there and held my hand. He has always struggled with emotions but it's got worse as he's got older. It makes me question whether he loves me or if he's with me out of duty or finances (Nick is obsessed with money). He hasn't spoken to me about why or how since it happened. I've tried but he changes the subject and gets angry and walks away. He has concentrated on the practicalities of getting me to appointments etc.
But weirdly he has said a few things to my friend when she's pushed him (she is VERY insistent!) that indicate that he was really shaken by it. I've also found out from her that he has tried to shield me from some of the details of how I was found and the next couple of days.
From the sounds of it he needs therapy as much as I do....

But the more I really delve into my emotions and the reactions I have, it makes me wonder whether he is just as broken as me.