*a knock is heard at the cafè door, and a moment later the door slowly opens, and the mailman drops off a board game at the welcome mat*
*if one were to look at the board game cover, the front reads "THE DIARY OF A COMPLETE IDIOT: THE BOARD GAME* *suddenly the cover pops up into the sky and a life-sized pewter figure of me appears, and it suddenly starts rocking back and forth for a few minutes, before violently toppling over and landing on the floor, cracking open and revealing the real me inside, and I take a huge breath of fresh air*
WHEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! DAMN! I MEAN... DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Note to self: Do NOT dip yourself in liquid pewter to recreate a board game caricature of yourself! It does NOT work! And note to self #2: Do NOT self-insert yourself into a board game, I couldn't breathe for HOURS!
*crawls forward, trying to catch my breath and looks up at everyone after a few minutes* Sup, guys?
Ahhh, board games! A favorite childhood pastime of mine! Too bad I always sucked at every board game I ever played. Checkers? I couldn't play for shit. I lost every game I ever played. Once I even accidentally won the game FOR my opponent (I forgot that I was black, so I ended up moving my OPPONENT'S red pieces and causing THEM to win. Yes, I'm THAT dumb! Please don't ask HOW, because I'm the only person on the planet that can do something like that).
I used to play Chinese Checkers and Dominoes with my mom when I was little, and it was fun. Every other board game I tried my hand at was always a terrible experience. Sorry! (The game, not an apology), Connect Four, Candy Land, Snakes and Ladders, Battleship, Mouse Trap, Don't Wake Daddy, Clue... and my biggest two banes of board game history - Monopoly and Scrabble.
Monopoly drove me nuts. I used to play it with my cousins when I was a kid. I always picked the top hat as my player piece. Problem was, I was terrible at Monopoly. I used to drive my cousins INSANE because each time when it was my turn, I would roll the dice and I had to count the dots one by one to see how many spaces I had to move (I'm bad at math in real life), and they'd all scream at me what the die would say before I could finish. I also would always get confused at buying property and counting the money, and somehow, someway, I ALWAYS ended up in jail more often than I usually should have. Don't ask me how - I couldn't win a single game of Monopoly back in the 90's, and I sure as hell couldn't now.
And Scrabble... don't get me started on Scrabble. OH. MY. GOD. EVERY single time I would play, I would lose. I knew a girl named Erica about seven years ago who was a Scrabble champion and she'd own me so bad she'd spell out the word LOSER on my forehead after a loss - I mean, literally put the letters on my forehead. You know how some people can spell out big ass words with ease? Despite my definitive diction and wondrous wordplay, its practically non-existent in Scrabble. I was never able to spell out anything more than four letters at best, and that's why I always lagged behind in points. And there's a reason for that...
.... ITS BECAUSE I ALWAYS GOT THE WORST LETTERS! ALWAYS. NO IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS. (I almost typed butts, need to stop thinking about random booty twerking). I would always get brutal combinations like XYXQZ or "XXYZZ"... hell, one time I got nothing but EXCLAMATION MARKS AND COMMAS! TRUE STORY! (Okay, that part wasn't true, but the xyxqz letter tiles WAS true). I was like, how the HELL am I supposed to make a (CENSORED) word out of nothing but Q's and Z's? You tell ME! You know how many times I would ask to get a new letter, only to get yet another X, or a Z, or a Y? I seriously lost count. I could NEVER get a good combo of letters no matter how hard I tried. When I used to play with someone, 90% I had to pass... never played so many one-sided Scrabble games in my entire life. Bart Simpson got away with Kwyjibo, but me? Soon as it was my turn, my opponent would look at me and say "Let me guess, pass?".
Twister was a fun game. Once I was playing with my cousin (who was a girl), we got so twisted up against each other, we eventually fell and hit the floor, and I accidentally grabbed her breasts - and it wasn't even intentional - but in a way they broke my fall. We were both teenagers at the time (me 15, her 16) and needless to say, it was one of my most awkward moments in my life. Here she was lying on the floor nearly having a concussion and there I was, my hands on her boobs for a full ten seconds trying to grasp what the hell just happened. But I guess it was one of my many curiosities satisfied at that time for me.
Sorry! I only played once - me and my opponent kept accidentally sliding the pieces right off the table every single time. We spent more time searching for the damn pieces than actually playing the game itself. I was sorry, alright, sorry for playing that game.
Battleship was something I enjoyed - I came up with a strategy where I was line all of my ships against the outer edges of the grid, so usually the person I was playing with would drive themselves crazy trying to figure out where my ships were since they'd usually aim for the center section. But sadly once they figured out my strategy eventually I'd end up losing anyway.
I'm not sure if Mahjong counts as a board game, but I played it recently about over a month ago, and you just match tiles, so it was probably the only other game I wasn't so god-awful at. I tried playing Old Maid when I was very young (I know, not a board game), but I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I just kept looking for a card with a maid on it.
I tried playing online strip poker with a 51 year old woman a few years ago. I know, not a board game, I know, I know. Looking at it in retrospect, I guess it was a good thing the game never started because 1)I didn't know how to play poker (but I DID know how to strip). And 2) I don't think watching her take off her girdle and chastity belt would've worked out too well for my eyes in retrospect.
That's all I got, folks. So in case you want to challenge me at a game of just about anything, just be forewarned. You WILL win. I WILL lose.
..... (but if any ladies are interested in some strip poker, give a brother a call, kk? *makes a holding phone motion while mouthing the words "call me". Again... I will lose, probably. Oh, wait. Maybe this is not such a good idea anyway).
)
