Jim's Cafe - Tuesday October 29, 2024 "happiness study"

[Angie]

Hello SF family! I hope today finds you well as can be.

I have an audio recording from National Public Radio to share today on happiness. Basically Harvard has been running a study on happiness since 1938 and their findings are interesting!

https://www.npr.org/2023/01/16/1149427841/the-key-to-happiness-according-to-a-decades-long-study

Hopefully this link is available in all countries.

What do you think about this study and its conclusion?

 

[JMG]

Hey Angie, thanks for opening a cafe, interesting link and study you posted there too

I just listened to all of it, and I admit, I’m very disappointed to find out that relationships are so seemingly essential and important to happiness like that. I have always struggled hugely with social connections, connecting with people, trusting people (that they have good intentions, will not ever want to intentionally hurt me and stuff like that), having a social life and just social things in general.

I got some very negative messages from my mom about peoples “preferences” with how people look and that was quite a toxic thing for me to be exposed to. I have seen many therapists/counselors over the years to try to work on that, but it’s still quite a challenge for me.

I feel kinda doomed in terms of never truly having much of a social life, I feel like I don’t have the charm or a good enough personality for the majority of people to want to talk to me or be my friend.

Anyway, gonna do my best to stay positive and hopeful about things, but ya imo those results are deeply depressing to me.

Some tags: @Witty_Sarcasm @MisterBGone @1Lefty @Baywasp @1964dodge @Kiwi2016 @Lisa the Goatgirl @KM76710

 

[JMG]

Hope my reply wasn’t too depressing but I wanted to be honest about it anyway. Probably others will have far more positive and hopeful things to say about those results

Some more tags: @dandelion s @Innocent Forever @seabird @Lane @Livelife @cymbele @Dante @Auri

 

[Angie]

Hey Angie, thanks for opening a cafe, interesting link and study you posted there too

I just listened to all of it, and I admit, I’m very disappointed to find out that relationships are so seemingly essential and important to happiness like that. I have always struggled hugely with social connections, connecting with people, trusting people (that they have good intentions, will not ever want to intentionally hurt me and stuff like that), having a social life and just social things in general.

I got some very negative messages from my mom about peoples “preferences” with how people look and that was quite a toxic thing for me to be exposed to. I have seen many therapists/counselors over the years to try to work on that, but it’s still quite a challenge for me.

I feel kinda doomed in terms of never truly having much of a social life, I feel like I don’t have the charm or a good enough personality for the majority of people to want to talk to me or be my friend.

Anyway, gonna do my best to stay positive and hopeful about things, but ya imo those results are deeply depressing to me.

I am so sorry, I hadn't intended to make you, or anyone, sad, its not my purpose at all.

My apologies.

 

[JMG]

I am so sorry, I hadn't intended to make you, or anyone, sad, its not my purpose at all.

My apologies.

Aw, thank you, but no apology is necessary, truly. I know it wasn’t your purpose to do that, and like I said I was just being honest about how I felt about it, maybe too honest. Can’t believe there haven’t been some other replies here, would be interesting to hear different opinions about it.

 

[FFurry]

Aw, thank you, but no apology is necessary, truly. I know it wasn’t your purpose to do that, and like I said I was just being honest about how I felt about it, maybe too honest. Can’t believe there haven’t been some other replies here, would be interesting to hear different opinions about it.

My feeling is that the study is simply about the averages and the general case -- it needn't apply to anyone in particular. There must be a whole spectrum of social needs, from living a hermit-like existence to needing personal contact 24/7/365.

Also, I think the roots of this are biological -- i.e., survival and reproduction are both facilitated by having as many good friends and useful acquaintances as possible. Arranged marriages in India are a good example, but even without these, how many people meet their SOs and find new jobs through personal contacts?

 

[puffymilk]

Hey Angie, thanks for opening a cafe, interesting link and study you posted there too

I just listened to all of it, and I admit, I’m very disappointed to find out that relationships are so seemingly essential and important to happiness like that. I have always struggled hugely with social connections, connecting with people, trusting people (that they have good intentions, will not ever want to intentionally hurt me and stuff like that), having a social life and just social things in general.

I got some very negative messages from my mom about peoples “preferences” with how people look and that was quite a toxic thing for me to be exposed to. I have seen many therapists/counselors over the years to try to work on that, but it’s still quite a challenge for me.

I feel kinda doomed in terms of never truly having much of a social life, I feel like I don’t have the charm or a good enough personality for the majority of people to want to talk to me or be my friend.

Anyway, gonna do my best to stay positive and hopeful about things, but ya imo those results are deeply depressing to me.

Some tags: @Witty_Sarcasm @MisterBGone @1Lefty @Baywasp @1964dodge @Kiwi2016 @Lisa the Goatgirl @KM76710

I can relate to this JMG. I also struggle finding deep connection with people these days. I don't know, maybe my unhappiness/depression plays a part on it. Because I remember I used to be able to do it pretty well back then. Also, I think I'm just too tired nowadays. I don't want to waste my time trying to connect or "network" with people without knowing like, the end result of it? Meaning that I don't want to connect with someone when the end results will be just like, failed, hurting me, wasting my time, and things like that. I know this is out of my control so that's why I just choose to do nothing about it. I'm kind of hopeless and I guess will just wait for destiny to take me wherever it wants me to be. But I guess it won't happen if I don't do anything. Hmm, it is hard.

 

[Kiwi2016]

Thanks for opening @Angie and for the tag @JMG... an interesting podcast and admit now intrigued to read the book...so now on my to read list... Brings to the forefront how precious interactions, friendships, relationships are and that for each of us the parameters are unique...

As I've aged I realize that I have had friends at different stages of my life but they don't seem to last through subsequent life stages. Friendships/relationships do require tending as mentioned and it is all too easy to watch them fade over time.

My automatic tendency of putting my life into distinct boxes, coping mechanism that's no longer valid but entrenched in my psyche alas, means friendships aren't integrated into my life nor into my marriage. This was all exacerbated by living an hour+ from where I worked at a 24/7 type job and also the 20 year age difference between us. So, doing things with friends feels like a stark selfish choice of not spending time with my husband...so I struggle to balance this as guilt is the gift that never goes away as my father used to say.

Didn't mean to sound like such a downer...just struck a chord with me as this is something trying to navigate as we speak...
hope more respond as interested to hear their take on it too...

 

[JMG]

My feeling is that the study is simply about the averages and the general case -- it needn't apply to anyone in particular. There must be a whole spectrum of social needs, from living a hermit-like existence to needing personal contact 24/7/365.

Also, I think the roots of this are biological -- i.e., survival and reproduction are both facilitated by having as many good friends and useful acquaintances as possible. Arranged marriages in India are a good example, but even without these, how many people meet their SOs and find new jobs through personal contacts?

Interesting things you said here for sure, so glad some other people have replied I especially like the part where you said there’s a whole spectrum of social needs and the hermit-like existence too, cos for the most part that’s kinda me. I don’t live alone at least and hope I never do again cos I definitely prefer to have someone else living with me. My social needs are probably way too strong for someone with such an unfortunate personality as me, definitely been working on that for what feels like pretty much my whole life. I’ve always hated and resented how strong my social need seems to be, and usually resist it quite strongly. Ya I’m sure it’s not a big surprise that I’m dysfunctional and a bit messed up lol.

Anyway I agree with the other stuff you said too about the roots being biological, that more people equals higher chance of connections and opportunities. The thing that bothers me is how shallowly people often seem to make those kinds of choices. They’ll be kind, friendly and helpful to some (especially who simply “look better”) and yet to others who’ve made an equal or even MORE effort to be kind, friendly and thoughtful they will make a lot less effort. It seems to be quite messed up, just wish more people would set aside the shallow nonsense and be kind to ALL people (especially those who make a lot of effort to be kind to them!) instead of being nicer to some over others for very shallow reasons.

Thank you @puffymilk too for your reply and acknowledgment about what I said and that you can relate with struggling to find deep connection with people. It is comforting to know I’m not alone in struggling with that, but I’m sorry it’s been a challenge for you too.

That’s good that you had better luck with it at some point, for me that’s never really been the case, just been a struggle for my whole life.

You’re welcome for the tag @Kiwi2016 your reply was very interesting to read as well. I don’t think you sounded like a “downer” though for the record I’m pretty sure we were meant to give our honest opinion about the vid and not a bs reply, or “positive only”. For those who have a great social life and lotsa support, I’m sure this kind of info must be wonderful for them. For those who do NOT have that however, well not so much. I hope more respond too and I’m so glad someone else said that too lol