P
Last night I attempted again, but it obviously failed and I got alot of people involved in the situation...more than I wanted. I would have liked to been left alone to die and everyone would be happy, but it didn't happen that way and now I've fucked up once again. So I failed last night and I planned on attempting again tonite, this time with a better plan, then my brother decided that he would drag me to churchand the topic that was discussed was very triggering to me and just made me more upset than I was before I got there, making me want to go through with my plan even more. I decided that I was going to have my brother drop me off at a "friends" house and then walk to the bridge that is over the river and jump, hoping that it would do some sort of damage or put me out of this life. I asked him to do it and he said no, as if he knew my plan, so I thought, well, he will come home tonite and I can take his care, leave him a letter telling him where the car is and everything will go as planned. That hasn't happened either...my brother didn't come home tonite, he is staying with a friend, so I've decided that I'll wait another night and when he comes home tomorrow, I will take his car (once he is asleep of course). I feel like there is no purpose for me being here anymore, and all I can seem to do is fuck things up so I know it's my time to go, finally. Relief.
