Almost 2 months with negative progress, which is already a visible fraction of that period; if I repeat the same cope like 5 or 10 times and do nothing, I'll finally be free, and thinking about that is my biggest relief yet. I show signs of insanity sometimes, barely feel emotions besides pain, getting annoyed by suicidal thoughts 24/7 that overwhelm anything productive in any condition, can't sleep, don't have energy even if I manage to do the previous one, recently got sick with some weird shit that isn't going away despite my good immune system and physical shape (for now), and in general feel like I'm already on the latest stage, where if not by my hands, then by a heart attack, an impulsive decision, or whatever the depression can cause. If you think that I'm not trying to fix everything and just whining here, you will be true and wrong at the same time. I need the results, which will be achieved if I manage to fix myself - not copium, fake happiness, or some other retarded meaning forced by a mechanism to keep you alive and suffering as long as possible. I can't physically do things because of derealization, mental degradation, and everything above combined. Meanwhile, the irl problems have started to stack and move my goals further away, but they don't bother me much, since there's no meaning anymore. I can guarantee myself to survive until that date, as my last promise; not to kill yourself for a while, isn't that hard, right? Maybe I'll be attention-whoring from time-to-time in this thread with tor, because of course I'm ashamed of myself and cringing like never before.
