Just found out my estranged brother killed himself

[Elieli]

I’m sorry if I shouldn’t be posting here, or this is in the wrong place, please feel free to delete.

I found out on Sunday morning that my brother has killed himself. He was 33. He wasn’t married, no children, both our parents are dead. He suffocated himself. We were estranged, we hadn’t spoken in around 5 years, although we used to be quite close. He was very sweet to me when I was younger. I don’t really know why we fell out, we didn’t have a big argument, we just stopped talking. He was like that, it’s hard to describe, he was like a dog that has been abused, everything frightened him, he used to hide away from the world, he never confronted anything. He could have had anything he wanted – he was the most intelligent person I’ve ever met, he was handsome, considerate………I don’t know what to say. He was also neurotic and moody.......and he was kind and thoughtful, he couldn’t stand cruelty in any form - I remember one time he got upset at a sitcom because one character was being “mean” to another.

People tell me it hasn’t sunk in yet, and I’m still in shock, but I’m not sure. My boyf says I should get counseling. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Tbh I’m angry at my brother that he didn’t try a bit harder, that he never seemed to realise how much everyone loved him. I feel guilty for those times I was annoyed that he wasn’t being a better brother to me, when it was something stupid like I had just broken up with some douchebag boyfriend, and it never occurred to me that I also had the responsibility to be a good sister to him. (Ok, typing that sentence actually did just make me cry. It’s true. I didn’t even think of it beforehand, it just came out).

Why did he do that? Why did he leave me? He could have called me or something. He was lovely. Now I miss him very badly, although I hadnt’ talked to him in so long. I want him back, I want to tell him that I love him. He was so sad all the time.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi hun i am sorry for your loss Sounds like your brother was so sensitive I am sure he wanted to reach out he did but just could not find that strength to do so.
Anger is apart of grieving hun i was so mad at my brother who also committed suicide i hated him for what he did. But thats ok because in time you will see that the anger is just a part of the grieving I think it would not hurt to get some therapy if you need it hun just to get someone to talk to to release some of the sadness inside you are feeling hugs to you

 

[Sadeyes]

I am also sorry for your loss...it seems that when our reality changes, so does our perspective...all we can do is care for ourselves because we hurt and take that new perspective to the future...and yes, grieving a loss such as this and feeling like you should have done better is something that can be discussed in therapy...you deserve to forgive yourself and not have this be held over you

 

[Elieli]

Thank you for kind comments. So my brother left me almost 20 thousand pounds in his will……I don't understand why he could put me in his will but not pick up the phone when he was so unhappy. I am in severe financial problems, and this will get me out of it. I have kicked my boyf out of the house for the evening, because I could tell that he was pleased about the money, but trying not to act like it, and it was pissing me off.

I can’t stop thinking about my brother and crying. Occasionally I used to think I would email him, but I never did, I guess I thought there was plenty of time in which to get back in contact. Wrong. He has left me alone. I now have no family - I have some uncles, aunts and cousins somewhere, but I don’t know them. I don’t know anyone else who has no family at all…..I even have one friend whos great-grandfather is still alive, ffs. My brother was soooo sweet to me after our mum died, and now I don’t have that anymore. I remember once he told me that he was “experimenting with starving himself”, and I never even did anything about it except tell him not to be stupid….I know some of his friends, and they said he stopped talking to them after a while too…….

I’m making him sound like he was this super-depressive, but actually he was funny as hell, when I was a kid sometimes he would make me laugh so hard it hurt…..you know, when you have a relationship with someone where there are things that make the two of you fall about laughing and nobody else has any idea why it’s funny?

He left instructions in his will saying he didn’t want a funeral, so that’s that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Something else that occurred to me today – I don’t even have a photo of him.

I don’t want to talk to friends about him just at the moment, because I feel like maybe they’ll gossip about it or something, that's why I'm here. My boyf’s parents have been great. Not really a lot else to say. Even though we were estranged, I always had in the back of my mind that if I was ever in real trouble, if things got really bad, I knew I could call my brother and he would help me. I just don’t want to let go, I guess. I don’t want to admit that I’m completely on my own now