Just in case.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by mei, Jan 30, 2016.

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  1. mei

    mei Active Member

    I've speculated for a while that I might have Bipolar disorder or BPD. I don't know.

    I just know that some days I'm fine, and happy and confident and energetic and just fine. But days pass and I get this itch. Not a real itch but something at the back of my head. I poke it and I poke it and it just gets bigger. And it's like I'm falling down a hole. And I burst. I become so hopeless and unhappy and it's like someone's twirling my insides, squeezing my heart. It hurts and I just can't stop crying. I can still manage. I can hide it but I don't know when I'll just stop.

    I don't want to feel this way. It's like i'm clouded by my own emotions sometimes. And I don't know anymore.

    Those happy, sunny days I think myself idiotic. Like, wtf are you doing you dumb fuck. But when those days come and I feel myself spiral into that dark hole.

    One day, I was scrolling and doing absolutely nothing of interest on the net and I saw this post. And everything just... felt like it was describing me but also not. Because I don't think it's that severe but maybe it will if I don't get myself sorted.

    It's been this way for a long time so I never thought it was anything but a stupid pretentious girl's desperate attempt to be different or interesting or whatever.

    I don't have any traumatic experiences.

    NOT ONE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! I SHOULD BE LIKE THIS. I SHOULD BE HAPPY! A FORTUNATE KID WITH A NORMAL LIFE PRETENDING TO BE DIFFERENT! SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP.

    Impossible now right? I can't possibly have Bipolar disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Before I thought that maybe I have depression but what do I have to be depressed about? Such a stupid girl.

    I don't know anymore.

    And nobody gets it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2016
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome,

    You do not have to have any traumatic experiences to have depression or any other disorder, I am sorry you are going through so much but think what you need to do is see a doctor so you can be diagnosed correctly and then try to move on from that point and get yourself well and better again. A chemical imbalance could have you feel down and depressed, it could be as simple as that. But I know what you are going through is very distressing, please see a professional and their opinion and diagnosis. Good luck to you hun.
     
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  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hard to know what is happening when ones emotions spiral all over place The best place to get help is from a professional one that can tell you if you moods are due to medical reasons or not. Hope you reach out to your doctor get some blood test done and for your own peace of mind see what is causing the moods swings ok
    You are not stupid ok depression hits so many people talk to doc get some answers for you
     
  4. mei

    mei Active Member

    Thank you, really. I needed someone to tell me that it's not just me being pretentious. Everyone I've tried to tell have just shot me down. Telling me that these things don't matter. And that I'm just being a kid wanting attention. And I hate it.
     
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am unsure why feeling hurt and in pain is so often labeled "wanting attention" (though loneliness can certainly be a cause of that pain.) Even if you were to afix that label, it might not take a big leap to arrive at the conclusion if somebody wants attention they are trying to reach out for help- so even if you took it at its most negative connotation then it would seem instead of telling young adults "you need to communicate with us more" then saying "ignore it it is just attention seeking " are contradictory to each other - so it is the people that say those things that have an issue in my opinion. I do not know if you have either of those conditions, and neither have trauma as a requirement - just like depression needs no "reason", but I do believe what you are feeling is real and I hope you can find some ways to address it so that the pain does not get worse because nobody deserves to suffer, and nobody suffering deserves to be ignored.
     
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  6. mei

    mei Active Member

    Thank you, now i'm okay though. It's as if I don't cry at sudden times and feel as though I can't think of anything else but that feeling.
    Today, i'm at that point where I feel normal. I'm dreading the time it comes back but it really is such a great feeling to read the replies. Thank you. Really.
    I'm happy that I joined this site.
     
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