I've speculated for a while that I might have Bipolar disorder or BPD. I don't know. I just know that some days I'm fine, and happy and confident and energetic and just fine. But days pass and I get this itch. Not a real itch but something at the back of my head. I poke it and I poke it and it just gets bigger. And it's like I'm falling down a hole. And I burst. I become so hopeless and unhappy and it's like someone's twirling my insides, squeezing my heart. It hurts and I just can't stop crying. I can still manage. I can hide it but I don't know when I'll just stop. I don't want to feel this way. It's like i'm clouded by my own emotions sometimes. And I don't know anymore. Those happy, sunny days I think myself idiotic. Like, wtf are you doing you dumb fuck. But when those days come and I feel myself spiral into that dark hole. One day, I was scrolling and doing absolutely nothing of interest on the net and I saw this post. And everything just... felt like it was describing me but also not. Because I don't think it's that severe but maybe it will if I don't get myself sorted. It's been this way for a long time so I never thought it was anything but a stupid pretentious girl's desperate attempt to be different or interesting or whatever. I don't have any traumatic experiences. NOT ONE! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! I SHOULD BE LIKE THIS. I SHOULD BE HAPPY! A FORTUNATE KID WITH A NORMAL LIFE PRETENDING TO BE DIFFERENT! SOMEBODY SHUT ME UP. Impossible now right? I can't possibly have Bipolar disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. Before I thought that maybe I have depression but what do I have to be depressed about? Such a stupid girl. I don't know anymore. And nobody gets it.