just long enough...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by 41021, Feb 2, 2013.

  1. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    My Feelings in Five minutes, lest i risk breaking down




    You came into my life just long enough for me to get used to you being around, to expect to hear from you, to cause concern when i didn't for more than a day.


    Just long enough to touch my heart, and for my heart to make a little space for you,

    Just long enough to hurt


    Just long enough for these tears to flow


    Just long enough to make a little space in my life for you


    I knew you just long enough to know your favorite color, your favorite song, what you eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, where you take your walks and how much you spent in town that day. It was just long enough for me to get to know who you talk with on a daily basis and a few of your more amusing conversations with "outsiders"(lol). Just long enough to know what flavor ice cream you dislike and what crazy things you put on bread, what you wear and how you feel on any given day, to know you had a place in your heart for animals and some of your experiences with them (lol). Just long enough for me to know where you had attended school, who your friends and family are, to know your pains, your hurts, your experiences. Just long enough to know most of the major events in your life, many of the minor ones, and much of the trivial day to day details.


    I knew you just long enough to be unable to erase these memories from my mind.

    Just long enough to be unable to clear the slate, and pretend you were never there.


    It was long enough for me to begin to loosen up, and take a blow torch to this iron box i keep my heart and soul barricaded in. Long enough for me to occasionally venture out, and to allow you in - to comfort and soothe me, to sit by my side when i wasn't feeling well, to laugh with me when i found something amusing, to share thoughts and feelings i otherwise would never share with anyone.


    It was long enough


    (to let you in)


    to call you friend



    and it was just long enough for my head to recall your voice, and actually hear it, without needing the speakers on to remind me. Just long enough for it to bring a little comfort yet at the same time, haunt me


    Just long enough to hurt


    just long enough for these tears to flow...


    It was long enough to feel the emptiness you once occupied, and to be uncomfortable with it. Long enough for that empty space to become a palpable pain in my chest...occasionally coursing through my veins like an electrical shock to my system


    Yeah, it was long enough.


    Just long enough to know you were going to leave


    long enough to care about trying to stop you, to want to plead with you, yet respect you at the same time


    long enough to know i was going to fail as a friend


    just long enough for these tears to flow...



    I knew you long enough to care



    ...and it was just long enough, to remember why i isolate, why i don't form attachments to people, why i keep others at a clearly marked and specified distance. It was just long enough to remember, why i don't' want any more friends.




    (edited to remove personal info)
     
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So sad....

    I'm sorry.
     
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    (((gentle hugs Mo)))
     
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    *hug Kali*
     
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((lightbeam))
     
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    maybe, just maybe, if only i had gone first...

    and maybe it would be enough
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2013
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh hun i know it hurts i know hun but don't isolate hun it h urts even more please hun know we are here ok for you hugs
     
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((eclipse))
    :sad:

    ...
     
  9. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    oh you make me feel and wish so many things wish I could comfort both of us all of us
     
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((gentle hugs)) for you Theodora.

    I wish that too, i wish that so much.
    *tears
    but all i can think, all i know to do, is withdraw
     
  11. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    We are all here to help Kali. Is there anything we can do?
     
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Can't really help if i can't open up :sad:

    i just shut down.

    I do very much appreciate everyone, (((gentle hugs)))
    ty ((lightbeam))
     
  13. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    hurts badly :sad:

    *tears

    i'm so tired...no more of this, no more
     
  14. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Sd your thread really hit close to home. You can tell you put your heart into it and your words show this. Im going through the same thing at the moment. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry for the way your feeling, and I hope you can start to heal :)
     
  15. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    godspeed
     
  16. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    why so heavy on my heart, right now?
    why?
     
  17. Mercedez

    Mercedez Banned Member

    sdMar i love you and will not let you leave us !!!
     
  18. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    it's so messed up when you turn to say or do something you are accustomed too...
    and they are no longer there.

    it's just an empty space littered perhaps with memories and such...scars of old trails, created when we used to walk with one another.

    kind of leaves me feeling a little lost at times, not knowing in what direction to turn next...i guess kind of stopped in one's tracks and just lost.
    nothing else will ever fill those spaces. it's just a matter of eventually not returning to open that door because they are no longer there...i guess the habit, or once usual behaviors stop over time. Like thinking; Hey wow, Grandpa would really enjoy this, i think i will go see him and take this to him, or being in the habit of checking in with, or turning to my friend, and they are no longer there to share with, to turn to, no longer an important part of one's day except in memory....what do you do. Those things just stop dead, leave me lost.

    i have worked hard to isolate from ppl in my life...hopefully when i leave, the space i once occupied in their lives, won't be so difficult for them, because i changed it prior to going, if that makes any sense...creating that distance prior to leaving. Also serves to protect, to break any of those consistencies in life/habits/etc so if they were to leave first, maybe it won't be so difficult.
     
  19. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Distancing yourself from others will not lessen the heartbreak they would feel if you were to leave. It doesn't work that way. Care and love is not something that vanishes or evaporates. :hug:
     
  20. bearclaw27

    bearclaw27 Member

    (((kali-gal))) I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. I know it's tough but please don't isolate.. You need the support of all of those who care for you so much.. Hugzzzzzzzz