Just lost my partner

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by notkitty, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. notkitty

    notkitty New Member

    Hi folks. I've just joined this site because i'm looking for people who are going through or have been through the same thing that i'm going through just now. I'm not looking for sympathy - i'm looking for people who can tell me how i'm going to be feeling, how long it's going to last and if things will ever get better.

    My partner of 13 years, and father to our 9 year old daughter <mod edit - methods>himself on 8th January. I found out that he had been leading a complete double life for all these years, and now I can't grieve properly because it turns out that i've been 'the other woman' for all this time. He told me that he was divorced and that he would never leave me and that if he ever died i'd need to sort out his funeral and make all the plans. His wife and his sons are making all the arrangements and understandably they don't want me involved.

    He is the love of my life. I feel like I can't breathe without him. I want everything to go back to normal. I've been to see him twice in the mortuary and I felt at peace when I saw him, but now i'm never going to see him again. I can never tell him that I love him again. I don't know what to do. I can't break down because I don't want our daughter to see that i'm not coping, but I miss him so much it's an actual physical pain.

    Any advice would be lovely.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Honesty I have no idea what I would do in that situation. I think you should get counseling to help with the grieving aspect of what's happened. As for the other woman..you must be so upset and feel so bad, but you are stronger than you think. I hope everything goes well for you. :hug:
  3. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Hi notkitty, I lost my partner of 33 years just 60 days ago, I am only 52 and I am on this forum probably for the same reason as you. Breathing, thinking, it's all still hard. I won't go into the survival techniques because I have not found them yet. What I would like to say is you have got to let go of "the other woman" meaning yourself. He was the love of your life and I think it is important for both you and your daughter to understand that he loved you both and you him. That is all that matters now and in the future.
    You know he's gone, his body anyway and I think if you could find something of importance that he wore or treasured it might be of help to have your own memorial service with your circle of family and friends. I think it is important to find a way to honor him as your spouse and daughter's Father.
    p.s the only thing that has helped so far is keeping very busy, crying is good but hard to recover from at times and music at least for me has been the most difficult so I don't yet listen to it. The physical is a bit less as long as I don't think. Eating is horrible and I am putting sticky notes to force myself to eat, I am just not hungry. Please be aware of this one as you have a child who must eat and will probably do better recovering than you.
    Give yourself permission to have a good breakdown even if your daughter is there, but after that try and keep her clear of the crying and pain which will come mostly at night.
    Good luck to you and sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other and keep hanging in there.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. So sorry for your loss and how your world has been turn upside down. Please do not act on your feeling as you are important. I'm glad you have joined this forum as it will help you through this tough time. You need to remain focus for the sake of your daughter who is the important most thing in your life at the moment. I know the pain your feel is horrible and you feel like there is no way to turn to.

    The day of the funeral is going to very tough for you and especially for your daughter. The important thing to remember that you treasure the good times you had with your partner and cherish those thoughts. The pain will be there a long time but it will ease over time. You need to stay strong and try to keep to a normal day to day activity for yourself and daughter.

    You feel like that you have no one to share your feelings and thoughts but I strongly recommend that you use this forum to release any feelings you have as it will help with pain you feel. The emotional turmoil in yourself is hard but perhaps it might be worth seeking bereavement counselling for yourself (only a suggestion) .

    Keep posting for the support you deserve.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2015
  5. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    You grief is real and not lessened or improper because of your situation. I am sorry you do not have anyone there to help you cope. Hug your daughter and try to take some joy from her. Life does get a little better as days go on but there will be times when the loss is crushing and hits you in the middle of doing everyday "normal" things. It will seem like it will never get better but it will, just very slowly. We do not get over the loss of a loved one, we just learn to go on with life. Please try to remember the good days.