Just out of hospital

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by K8E, Aug 30, 2014.

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  1. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I've just spent eight days on an acute admissions ward having experienced some sort of meltdown. My boyfriend dumped me and it was the last straw. I was on a train to London when I started crying and shaking. The train was full and not one person said a word to me. I guess they didn't want to get involved.....ended up in at UCHL as it was the only place I could think of to go other than ...........guess a part of me thinks that I can get better/and/life is worth living.
    Anyway I was an 'informal' patient although when I tried to leave I was told that they would section me so I stayed. It was hell. Surrounded by deeply disturbed, chronically ill people with schizophrenia and BPD, very little sleep because of the disruption from some of the other women, place full of cigarette smoke - which I can't stand and nothing to do all day apart from wait for medication and mealtimes. Several patients thought that I was staff and I spent a lot of time talking with and helping some of them, especially the other very young first timers/acutely depressed. That was the thing that kept me going. My first time there and I'm certain my last.
    Back with my BF who promises that we are not back together because I am ill. Told him that I'd rather get it all over so if he is dumping me he'd better tell me, but he visited every day for the whole of visiting and told me how much he missed and loves me.
    Final diagnosis agitated depression which is a nightmare. Constantly anxious, depressed and with chronic pain, still very high risk of suicide but know that I cannot risk another stay in that prison ward.
    My question is do people get better? I've been like this for two years now with the occasional 'OK'period. I' m taking my meds and following 'the programme' but at the end of the day I am still left with my feelings.
    Had a furious argument with one of the psychs as I explained my belief that a person who is suffering has the right to die.....that led to an extension of my 'stay'. So stupid.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi, it seems as those we go through periods of okay, then not okay. All of these states of being last different amounts of time. I work at trying to do something small each day that brings about at least of few minutes of feeling better. I just accept the hard periods of depression, knowing at some point they will pass. It does get old and I get angry that I get depressed. I'm sinking back into depression right now and I'm angry. I was doing okay for awhile too. :sigh:

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
  3. :hug: I hoped you feel better soon.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Life can be hard but you are a SURVIVOR and keep remembering that. I understand you are suffering but I have the upmost respect in your honesty in your post. Don't be so hard but just take one day at a time in your recovery process. Please keep posting as it will inspire others in that people do survive and can overcome from depression. Take care.
  5. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I was formally discharged from inpatient care on Tuesday and start a four week intensive programme at the day hospital on Monday. It's a relief not to be on the ward, but I'm still having flashbacks of some of the stuff that I saw. I can't help feeling that hospitalization was and is used as some sort of punishment.
    The crisis team saw me at home yesterday and when I started to explain how I feel one of them said that 'if you carry on we'll have to think about re-admitting you.' So now I feel as if I have to censor what I say even though in the very next breath she said that it was important for me to be honest.
    What I also find disturbing is that I'm fine for a while and then the anxiety floods over me. I'm trying to ride the waves and cling onto ....something. At least I can read and watch TV although I have to be careful what I watch. I'm trying to avoid triggers for my suicidal thinking but it's really hard as so many things make me think about my plans.
    I went to work on Friday for a couple of hours even though I'm signed off because there is some stuff that only I can do. I got it all done. It was nice for a while and I felt a step closer to normality but I paid for it later with fatigue, anxiety and intense SI.
    The crisis team have said that I've got to have a minimum of a month completely work free. I'm so scared of losing my job but in some ways it would be a relief because we have a culture of bullying and workaholism. The crisis team told me that they have quite a few referrals from our organization and two other colleagues are off sick with stress. Not good. It's such a shame. It used to be such a happy, fun place to work.
    I also feel guilty because I have a good job, a partner, a good education and I live in a wealthy country with good free healthcare. I know that mental illness happens regardless of circumstances, but I'm so used to driving myself on and keeping going that I think I should 'get a grip'. Of course if I was talking to a friend in my position I'd tell them to be kind to themselves and to take time to recover.
    Anyway, I'm still here.
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you are out, and while sorry the after care team has made you feel the need to censor what you say, I am really glad they set up an after care plan for you instead of just sending you home and forgetting about you as they sometimes do. Perhaps with the advice of your team as you feel better you can explore the idea of a different employment where you can get the feelings of normalcy and self worth your job gives you but in a better atmosphere? I am glad you are home at least and wish you continued strength as you fight through this. You really are doing a great thing for yourself and you are worth all of this effort you are giving.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi KBE,

    Welcome back :) and glad you are out now. Yes-the first time at a psych ward can be quite scary and boring at the same time. Talking to the other patients passes the time and helps, I always felt the nurses were too busy to chat with. I am glad you are back with your boyfriend, sounds like he is trying to make it up to you by being there everyday for you. I hope your relationship blossoms :)

    To answer your question- Yes, people do get better and you can do so too. I've had my fair share of friends that I've met in the psych ward, some do recover fully, some don't but yes if you put the effort in and keep up the hard work you can do it!

    It's good to have you back :hug:
  8. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Thanks Petal.
    I did meet some nice people on the ward. Most were lovely people overwhelmed by illness and like you, spending time with others in a similar position made the stay more bearable.
    As I've said another post I've been surprised by the amount of support that is offered.
  9. SplinterStar

    SplinterStar Well-Known Member

    i was admitted against my will, i understand the loneliness and isolation. It's been a year since the event and i do ok ish. I don't aim for happy when i wake up, i aim for stable. babysteps. if I'm stable I aim for neutral. I try not to talk about during public outtings. I read, a lot. I don't have good advice for you, but this is how i stay assembled.
  10. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Thanks splinter. I read a lot too. I was just reading about the AA advice of one day at a time, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to stay alive today. Have a yoga class tonight.
  11. Enjoy your yoga class. Try to do some exercise in the sunshine. The vitamin D will do some good. Don't stay at home or lie in bed as it will make you feel worse. (From my own experience - I was discharged from the psych ward after a week long stay there for intense suicidal thoughts. I did tell my psychiatrist about my suicidal thoughts occurring everyday and my dr insisted to admit me again so I told her I have the suicidal thoughts but no plan, the psychiatrist ask me to talk to my psychologist). I did feel better after 4 weeks into sertraline and I DO get out of my dark hole and did some exercise under the sunshine. It helps fight my depression. :hug:
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