When there is a conversation directed towards me and I am not feeling unsafe , I involve in it. Maybe I lack social sense , I just don't like ignoring people. I have abandonment issues , I wouldn't want someone else to feel non important , even if we disagree , I would tell them that.
People ignore a lot though , on usual and I learnt this with time. Even if they don't have bad intentions , my brain doesn't register it well and all I come to conclude is " not important ( me for them ) ". A difficult thing to fight cause trauma.
I was thinking if people take things more granted than they know , but this is a thing I can't say because everyone's worthiness outlook is different. That is to say , they have their own things to take for granted or to not.
With me , what happens is , people feel interested at start ( any sort of relationship ) then they make promises they don't keep and it ends.
When something happens too often , you struggle not to believe it or fight it.
An ironic thing , I get so many violent fantasies quite often but to actually see violence in movies / shows ( of a sensitive topic especially ) it haunts me. Like I watched a movie yesterday , had flashbacks throughout the day , struggled to sleep , today is very gloomy too but maybe typing it out will help.
When I think of death ( of me ) , to be specific suicide. Back in the day when I was suicidal, I think I wanted a better life. Maybe I kind of still do. But it is like a dream, a delusion to want it , knowing it won't be available in the sense I would want it. So death feels sort of comforting in that sense. Not the pain through which I would have to go through first , not that. I was scared of death a while ago , I don't feel anymore. That is not to say , I won't regret it ( if I do ). I believe consciousness stays alive after death. I am not running away from that necessarily , just the worldly demands.
There is this quote, I don't know from where " I didn't actually want to die , but I also kinda wanted to. You know? "
I think about self sabotaging and I do to some extent , but then I love myself and I have learnt a lot of patterns , worked hard for understanding them / trying to break them that now I can't self sabotage for long. ( I don't consider suicidal thoughts , especially the ones I described here to be self sabotaging )
I am 17 , when I was young , never thought my life will turn this way so young. The loneliness is insane and ofcourse the patterns that are there. Because as I said , when something keeps happening to you , you will start to believe it.
I was thinking , last night that because loneliness is deadlier than ( I was thinking drugs but I just googled lol ) it is deadlier than obesity , alcohol and smoking tobacco. I don't drink or smoke. I wanted to, back in the day , looks cool. Now , I don't because why would I want to hurt my own self lol. But , kind of poetic to have something deadlier than these. ( Not romanticising )
Somewhere in the world , someone might exist like me , lonely and perfect to be friends together. But we might never meet.
Also , the relationship thing again , I try to be mindful but ofcourse feel sadness and frustration. Why can't people be more mindful? I wish they wouldn't make fake promises to me. Like over and over. What am I ? A shiny magical toy who allures people at start then they realise it's not their type , so they run away without warning?
This just sucks so bad. The amount of white lies I observe by people make me feel and think " ever feel guilty? Or you're used to it? "
I do want to die. Just wish it was easier to go through. A failed attempt is scary because they will monitor you ( both professionals and house ) also if I fail , my so called family members will abuse me instead of care for me. Especially ' it '. It's like you can't even die at peace lol.
I hope I will not regret sharing all this in future.
People ignore a lot though , on usual and I learnt this with time. Even if they don't have bad intentions , my brain doesn't register it well and all I come to conclude is " not important ( me for them ) ". A difficult thing to fight cause trauma.
I was thinking if people take things more granted than they know , but this is a thing I can't say because everyone's worthiness outlook is different. That is to say , they have their own things to take for granted or to not.
With me , what happens is , people feel interested at start ( any sort of relationship ) then they make promises they don't keep and it ends.
When something happens too often , you struggle not to believe it or fight it.
An ironic thing , I get so many violent fantasies quite often but to actually see violence in movies / shows ( of a sensitive topic especially ) it haunts me. Like I watched a movie yesterday , had flashbacks throughout the day , struggled to sleep , today is very gloomy too but maybe typing it out will help.
When I think of death ( of me ) , to be specific suicide. Back in the day when I was suicidal, I think I wanted a better life. Maybe I kind of still do. But it is like a dream, a delusion to want it , knowing it won't be available in the sense I would want it. So death feels sort of comforting in that sense. Not the pain through which I would have to go through first , not that. I was scared of death a while ago , I don't feel anymore. That is not to say , I won't regret it ( if I do ). I believe consciousness stays alive after death. I am not running away from that necessarily , just the worldly demands.
There is this quote, I don't know from where " I didn't actually want to die , but I also kinda wanted to. You know? "
I think about self sabotaging and I do to some extent , but then I love myself and I have learnt a lot of patterns , worked hard for understanding them / trying to break them that now I can't self sabotage for long. ( I don't consider suicidal thoughts , especially the ones I described here to be self sabotaging )
I am 17 , when I was young , never thought my life will turn this way so young. The loneliness is insane and ofcourse the patterns that are there. Because as I said , when something keeps happening to you , you will start to believe it.
I was thinking , last night that because loneliness is deadlier than ( I was thinking drugs but I just googled lol ) it is deadlier than obesity , alcohol and smoking tobacco. I don't drink or smoke. I wanted to, back in the day , looks cool. Now , I don't because why would I want to hurt my own self lol. But , kind of poetic to have something deadlier than these. ( Not romanticising )
Somewhere in the world , someone might exist like me , lonely and perfect to be friends together. But we might never meet.
Also , the relationship thing again , I try to be mindful but ofcourse feel sadness and frustration. Why can't people be more mindful? I wish they wouldn't make fake promises to me. Like over and over. What am I ? A shiny magical toy who allures people at start then they realise it's not their type , so they run away without warning?
This just sucks so bad. The amount of white lies I observe by people make me feel and think " ever feel guilty? Or you're used to it? "
I do want to die. Just wish it was easier to go through. A failed attempt is scary because they will monitor you ( both professionals and house ) also if I fail , my so called family members will abuse me instead of care for me. Especially ' it '. It's like you can't even die at peace lol.
I hope I will not regret sharing all this in future.
🫂