i am just sick of living. i hate my family and i really hate my self. I have been saying that since i was 8 and i am now 24. i guess i can start with why i hate my family. well a good part of it is from my mom. when i was young i have had problems with reading and writing in school and i was told i have learning disorder. ever since then my mom started to treat me different. i had alot of tests done on me i just dont remember what ones and i was sent to a different school and when my schools had trips she or my grandpa would have to go with me. school sucked and i hated it. there was alot of things i couldnt do that my older sister was aloud to do and i wasnt. (yes i know she is older but i mean when i hit the age she was aloud to) when i wanted to work i wasnt aloud and there are alot more and i know my sister was her fav because she got treated better like when we where young top gear was on once a week and i wanted to watch it once a week. but i would only get to watch it once every 2 weeks because i watched it last week but if my sister wanted to watch her show that was on everyday she got to watch it. i guess i felt like i was trapped and treated like shit. she passed away back in 2011 i felt like well free and better off she is gone and kinda glad (i know its a mean thing to say) well my sister i dont like. well hate her but i have to put up with her because my dad says shes your only sister well here are a few reasons why i hate her. she steals from me and lies to me about it. she lies alot, try to use me, try to borrow money from me alot, want free car rides driving her and he snitch/goof of a bf to places, calls my car a POS and she doesnt own a car and has gotten me owing $2000 to a cell phone company because i wanted to be a nice brother. when growing up when she wanted somthing of mine she would take it and still does. i was told by my mom just let her have it or i get in trouble. if she hits me i got in trouble and if she broke somthing of mine i would get in trouble. a good amount about my dad that makes it worse when growing up my dad worked afternoons so he wasnt home much but he worked hard to keep the family in a home and food on the table i like doing stuff with my dad but when he gets frustrated with somthing he starts throwing and smashing stuff so i dont invite friends over much because of the damage done around the house. after my mom passed away 6 months later he let his gf move in and got her a new car (btw my mom and dad where still togeather intill she passed) well she treats me like shit. calls me names, yells at me goes threw my room, phone, facebook and so on and she has even assaulted me not like one hit like 6-7 times. but not once he has ever said anything or done anything to help me in away just lets his gf and my sister treat me and do what ever they want to me. i guess i hate my dad as well. i dont tell my dad any of my problems or talk to him about anything that is going on with me i dont trust any of my family. because what ever i say or tell them my dads gf finds out and use's it agents me to make me feel worse. there has been so manytimes my dad has forced me to do somthing and after i have done it he changes his mind. like one day his gf was bitching about somthing about me and started to fake cry to get her way and i remember her saying somthing about a car i was building a 83 mazda rx7. so my dad was pissed at me for making his gf fake cry then he forced me to scrap my rx7. the next day after i scraped it he said you know you didnt have to scrap it. when i move out and i wanna move far away and i am never going to see them again. i have never been happy nor ever will. i have allways felt numb no feeling beside depressed or sad. the only way i can feel anything else if i am high (weed) so i try to be high all the time. i have a hard time finding any joy in anything from hanging with friends to working on cars. last year was my worst year. i started a gym get working out for a month then i start feeling good. after the month i just get really depressed and just stop and shut down. i have a personal trainer that is helping me now but i am being forced by my dad to quit on it because he says i am getting ripped off and some other bullshit. i have had a hard time keeping jobs even jobs i love working at. i tryed anit depressions they made me worse then after losing a job i liked from getting panic attacks from the anti depressions i got into self harm (cutting) i now have one big scar and a few smaller scars on my left arm. the big scar is from when my dad and his gf where yelling at me saying i am the reason my dad cant get his dream car and i am the problem and worthless and shit. but a few hours later after everything and i am feeling much more worse about my self and adding a fresh scar my dad would say oh we didnt mean that and bla bla bla to try and make me feel better but i know its all bullshit. i have stopped self harm omost a year but i still get the urges to want to cut. i have <mod edit - methods> my dad yelled at me for breaking the lattice and called my mom at work at what had happen. she said to me i need to see help and after her work we would get me some. well after her work nothing had happen like nothing had happen at all beside for breaking the lattice. everyday i wished that had worked but i havent yet tryed again but i know i will try hoping soon.