Just sick.

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Brighid Moon, Jul 13, 2009.

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  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am now almost up to 200 pounds. Yes. 200 pounds. I weighed myself today. Why? Because I quit smoking. But I can't use that as an excuse any longer. Its because I can't eat. Gaining weight from not eating? Yes - because every time I put most food into my lips I get panic attacks. I get the anxiety attacks before it even goes in. So I have only a limited amount of things I can eat - and those are milk products (for the most part) and carbs. I can eat toast/bread, pudding (tapioca only!), ice cream (french vanilla only!), milk, yogurt (vanilla only!), fish crackers (only the white ones!), and .. of all things, hot dogs. Oh, and the Frostys from Wendy's. That's it. Everything else makes me freak out. So, I quit smoking, replaced it with eating (yay me!) and can only eat the above items without having panic. I had to replace vitamins with Ensure (because I can't swallow pills!) so I get enough of what I need. I drink two a day (that's 500 calories right there), so I get a grand total of 50% of the vitamins I need daily. I hate this fucking disorder! I fucking hate it! I can't even take the bloody dog for a walk in the morning without anxiety attacks, and I've gotten so out of shape! I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself.

    :bash:

    /rant.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    ED is so difficult, as you know, because we all have to eat...have you tried a support group or therapist for ED, even if your primary dx is anxiety disorder (who isn't???) Have battled these demons for yrs..did not feed myself because I was not worth food...very sad and thankfully in the past...big hugs, J
     
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm in therapy. She wants to address the ED, and has put me in anger management. But we haven't gotten very far as I only get 45 minutes twice a month for therapy. I write down my stuff and take it to her on a disk, then we go over it the next week. She thinks it has to do with SA issues, but if it did, why suddenly show up like this now? Well, a year ago? A year ago I couldn't put anything in my mouth and was having panic attacks 4-8 times a day, and being constantly hospitalized. Now I've gotten the freak-out attacks under control, though still have serious anxiety and am terrified of having a panic attack. I lost 90 pounds in less than a year (most of it, 60, within four months - it also gave me IBS sx and ruined my bowels). Now I've gained it all back. This is killing me, both physically and my self-esteem. I pretty much could care less about the pysically part. :blub:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry your struggling it is awful when you can't seem to get ED under control. I go from not eating at all to binge eating loose 10pd then put it all back on I feel sick everyday I hope your T can help you but it is a hard battle because of what gone through. I guess with therapy and perhaps a dietitian help one can get back on track. Are you able to set up appt with dietition I wish you the best let us know how you are doing take care
     
  5. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I hope that the counceling helps you. ED is a very hard thing to deal with. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always come to me.

    Ronnie
     
  6. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm stopping eating today.
     
  7. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    That won't help anything.Can you exercise?Go for walks?Walking somewhere pleasant not only helps control weight but it helps your state of mind greatly.You are going through a bad time right now..harming yourself will only make everything worse.Please consider the advice people give you and stop worrying about your weight right now.It really isn't a priority.Take your pooch for a looong walk every day...is there a nice park or lake you can walk around with your dog?Do it for the pleasure of it,not for trying to lose weight.
     
  8. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    There's no place to walk around here that doesn't have mean dogs running the street, except right across the street is a church where I walk Ginger every day. I have agoraphobia, and get anxiety when I go out walking, but I do it for her. I could drive somewhere but I can't afford the gas to. :( This is the one thing I can control.
     
  9. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    hey there.I feel bad I read some of your recent posts in let it out to get an idea of where you are at..and it seems you feel so helpless and want control of your life but can't get there because of your self esteem issues.Sounds so familiar..ugh.Would you be angry at me if I said you should not refuse help from your dad if he is willing to cover some expenses even if you feel he is controlling you?It is just one thing you will not have to stress over.Agoraphobia sucks and its a good thing you have a dog...I manage to get out and walk without a dog but I think a dog would get me out of my shell a lot.
    Being able to drive to a nice location would help so much..both you and your dog.I choose a place where I won't walk by a lot of people but is safe and really scenic.Its almost meditation for me now.I cling to it.
    You need financial help I can see,and right now your father seems to be the only source.But the alternative is worse right now.Losing weight is easy compared to the really hard challenges in life like being courageous.
    Enough of my two cents..sorry..but I am glad to get to know you.We are a lot alike!
     
  10. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thanks Ashes.

    My dad called last night and informed me he won't be helping. That's what has set me off. He did this for a year, last year, and I was so sick from his games that that's why I lost all that weight. I'm not even near recovering and he's starting again and I won't let him play the games again. He's played these games with me all of my life.

    I put my Mac computer (not this lappy) and my PS2 up for sale, and I'm going to sell everything I can that I own and dump the rest at Goodwill. Perhaps I can trade this trailer (very nice one) for a conversion van to live in on the street. That's my option.

    I'm terrified. I'm angry.

    Self esteem? What's that? I don't think I ever had any. And he'd like to keep it that way.
     
  11. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    In the end it is your decision if you sell your possessions.But It isn't too late to talk to your dad again..if you decide you do not want to give up your trailer.You have enough income to keep it without his help right?It really is your only stability right now.Even if he doesn't help you,you still have resources available to you when you feel better..up to the work involved.This isn't about letting your father control you but you holding on to whatever stability you have right now.Your trailer.You can't live in a conversion van,can you?You deserve better.You have the right to your trailer.I think your weight is just a distraction right now to you...instead of worrying about weight,think about what really matters right now.
     
  12. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can't. He's poison. People like him are toxic to those they choose as their victims and I've allowed him to play me for a year and make me this sick. It's his game that has set me off again. I have to escape him. I've been escaping him all of my life. I thought things might change since he got old, but no. Old narcissists are just as bad, if not worse in some ways, than not old ones. I can live in a conversion van. Its like a motor home only a van. If I end up on the street at least I'd have a "home" with it.
     
  13. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    I have been racking my brain after my last response because I had the feeling I was off the mark.I keep thinking..where do you draw the line between taking charge of your life and remaining dependent on someone..as you said..who is toxic?What are you willing to accept for the sake of stability?You should not have to accept anything toxic for the sake of stability.If you can keep your trailer on the income you receive (not help from your father)..you can still get aid from other sources and they are not toxic.But it is up to you to decide that.You have the presence of mind to know you do not want to be hurt anymore by a toxic person in your life...that is a great start.The rest is dealing with the consequences of haviing freedom from that toxic person.It reminds me of women in abusive relationships who are afraid to leave their abuser because the fear of leaving..of the changes involved..are too much to bear.
     
  14. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    That's exactly what it's been like for the past little-over-a-year now, since he first ever offered to help me. I've been fighting this homeless issue, trying desperately not to become so, since two years ago, when I was being killed by black mold where I was living. It took me a year of being deathly sick, until I became hysterical and desperate to get out, before he even offered to help. Then another almost-a-year before I was so sick that I did end up in the hospital, and my agreeing to come up here and allow him full control, before I got out of that situation. This mental/emotional insanity is the consequence of taking him up on his offers to help. Now he's starting again. I can't do it. I just can't. I'd rather lose everything I own and not take him up on this. I'd rather be on the street and take all the chances than try and work with him, and become more insane. And I'd rather die than do any of it.
     
  15. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    is your own income enough to cover rent/utilities without any aid?If so..then you just have to decide if you want to try to get aid from any and all resources except your father to keep your home...or if you really think you would fair better in a conversion van...I have a bit of gyspy blood in me so I am afraid to comment on such things as living in a van..it is also ironic because I always wanted to live i n a mobile home.You could make a checklist of the pros and cons of both decisions to start with.Then create sub lists from these lists to see if they are possible..realistic..and most importantly..consider safety.
     
  16. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    i am not sure of your past with eating disorders, but if you restricted food in the past it can cause your body to hang on to most of what you eat. I'm being hypocritical when i say this, but maybe you need to find confidence in yourself and love yourself before you can reach a comfortable weight for yourself. now when i say comfortable weight i dont mean boney and skinny...i mean a weight where you dont think you are too fat or too thin or eating too little or too much.
    It's possible that your body's reaction to certain foods is self induced...that you have created "safe foods" for yourself. things that you have told yourself are okay to eat, considering that most of the foods you listed are basically white. :hug:
    i am not an expert or anything but i do know about anorexia and restricting and the anxiety that comes with eating....i panic all the time when i eat, and if i manage to keep it down i feel guilty. part of it comes with convincing yourself that its okay to eat a regular diet and not be afraid. :unsure:
     
  17. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Awww, Lucy :hug:

    I just want to add. My best friend currently thinks she is obese, she is in her healthy weight zone and everything. She thinks not eating will make her body look better, but it will just make it worst.

    PM me if you ever need to talk. :arms:
     
  18. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    My therapist mentioned this "safe food" thing too. I don't know much about it. I know last year I had a panic attack with some chocolate I ate, and after that I was unable to eat anything. It took me a while to even work my way up to what I have on my list. Oddly, I can eat out somewhat, but I still have severe anxiety, and have to be very picky about what I choose to eat - even then I can't eat all of it, most of the time. Such a strange disorder.

    I think you're both right. I'm not going to worry about fat right now. I can't do that. I have too much else. So what if I'm obese? Not like I'm looking for a relationship or something right now, I guess! Or something...

    But yeah, I think you're both right. This ED is the last thing I should worry about.
     
  19. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    Being at a healthy weight is where you want to be. But being "obese," who are you trying to impress right?

    You need to relearn how to eat. And when you get that down, you worry about what you eat.

    I hope I am helping somewhat :(
     
  20. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah, I know what you're saying. Cuz eating at all is just too hard, except for a few things. I wish my therapist and I could work on the ED, but right now there's too much with the PTSD and its effects that we're working on, and she wants to deal with my anger and childhood issues. Even if I end up on the street, I'm staying up here until my time with her is up, simply because finding a good therapist is worth its weight in gold.
     
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