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Just to be with you

I'd climb every mountain

And swim every ocean

Just to be with you

And fix what I've broken (Oh)

Oh, 'cause I need you to see

That you are the reason

  • Calum Scott
I’d climb every mountain. Every mountain in the world. The mountains we used to climb for fun I would climb every single one. Every trail run I would do over and over if I could just see her one more time. This whole experience is like a never-ending climb up a mountain. Except the mountain is made out of quicksand and if I don’t run fast enough I’ll get sucked in. I’d be lying if sometimes I just give up and let myself fall apart. Let all my hard work go to waste and slide back down the mountain of grief I have to climb.

And swim every ocean. Something that we wanted to do. I would do the 30-mile swim to Moloka’i over and over again until I die from exhaustion, just to see Elise.

Just to be with you. One last time. I miss staring at her face. I miss jumping off cliffs into the ocean. I miss running through the Maunawili forest dodging fallen trees, mud, and slippery rock at ungodly hours of the morning. I miss listening to Drake with you and us spitting bars correctly. Joking that we were going to drop the next chart-topping album. Lord knows we could only play piano and that’s not cool enough anymore. I spend so much time missing all the little things that we did, especially with this lockdown. I just sit and think. Hours are passed by staring at the wall of photos that hold all the memories of Elise. Sometimes there are tears, sometimes it’s just silent anger, most of the time guilt is the only thing present. I try so hard to do things that bring me closer to her. At the end of the day, the only way to just be with her is to join her, and I’m not sure that’s what I want.

And fix what I've broken. Our friendship wasn’t perfect, even though on the outside it seemed that way to everyone else. The last six months of Elise’s life were some of the most trying months of our 14-year friendship. I was struggling to juggle my never-ending homework and her. She was a full-time job. I barely got sleep during those months. I had to make sure she ate, slept, and showered. I wish I didn’t, but sometimes I’d get so frustrated that she wasn’t trying I’d say something not super nice. I regret everything. I broke her. I should have tried harder. She had given up on living long before she took her life and I should have known that as soon as her bright eyes went dark. If I could take back some things I said I would. If I see her again I have so much apologizing to do. I’d give anything to have been able to take her pain away.

Oh, 'cause I need you to see. I just need Elise to see that I really did care about her. That despite my insensitive remarks sometimes and dedication to school work I did love her. She was my person. We were like Meredith Grey and Christina Yang. Like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. She’s the Serena to my Blair. Like SpongeBob and Patrick.

I need other people to see that right now I’m struggling. For them to understand why I might not respond right away or show a lack of interest in hanging out. It’s not that I don’t care, I am just overwhelmed. Soon I go back to school full time and work full time. School all day and the graveyard shift at night.

That you are the reason. She is the reason… I find it amazing that one person could leave such a large hole in my life. That she meant so much to me she killed me too. One person can change the whole world. Elise changed my whole world for both the good and the bad, and I really wouldn’t have it any other way.


✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
Sorry for your loss

Words of condolencies may seem empty for you now, but she lived.and you were part of her life. along with being given the chance to make some good memories.


✮☆Meetup star ☆✮
SF Creative
SF Supporter
You get used to them being gone eventually, I'm just not there yet.
These things takes them as no doubt you are aware of. Just trying to get through it the best you can. But eventually you will. I think at times it's not so much as getting used to them being gone, but more like managing or accepting they are no longer there.

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