Empathy Only Just wanted to clear my mind

[Beautiful Disaster]

I dont really need empathy to be fair. I just wanted to clear my head and say what is on my mind. I feel like there is no room for that in my life. Not with my family, it is too delicate for that matter. Not with my friends, cause I have never talked about it with them. Not with my boyfriend(s), i can't blame anyone for not understanding and it makes me feel so incredibly alone.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was around 8/9. I didnt understand what he was doing at the time but I knew it fell off. I mainly remember how forcefull he was and the hurtfull comments he made about my body. I think it indirectly made me very ashamed of my body and over the years I started hating it. After it happened, i was confused and it felt wrong. It got even worse when neighbor kids found out about what happend and start making comments and teasing me about it. I think that is also how my mom found out.

I recall laying in the floor, watching tv and she came up to me and asked: has your brother ever touched you. I told her yes and she started crying. And I felt guilty for making her cry. I felt like it someone all was my fault. I know it is not. But we never spoke of it again.

And I wish I could. But I know she can't handle it. So I am gonna suck it up and spare her.

But i relive it every single time, every single day. And the fact that I can not really talk about it, makes it so much harder. I have tried talking about it with boyfriends but after I briefly explain to them what. The next time I try to bring it up, I always get: yeah you told me that. In other words; i know, don't bring it up again. And it again makes me feel so ashamed. Like I am not supposed to have these feelings or that I should just stay silent about it. While it is such a very present thing for me, up till this day.

I dont know. Guess writing it down helped a little.
Sorry

 

[1964dodge]

I dont really need empathy to be fair. I just wanted to clear my head and say what is on my mind. I feel like there is no room for that in my life. Not with my family, it is too delicate for that matter. Not with my friends, cause I have never talked about it with them. Not with my boyfriend(s), i can't blame anyone for not understanding and it makes me feel so incredibly alone.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was around 8/9. I didnt understand what he was doing at the time but I knew it fell off. I mainly remember how forcefull he was and the hurtfull comments he made about my body. I think it indirectly made me very ashamed of my body and over the years I started hating it. After it happened, i was confused and it felt wrong. It got even worse when neighbor kids found out about what happend and start making comments and teasing me about it. I think that is also how my mom found out.

I recall laying in the floor, watching tv and she came up to me and asked: has your brother ever touched you. I told her yes and she started crying. And I felt guilty for making her cry. I felt like it someone all was my fault. I know it is not. But we never spoke of it again.

And I wish I could. But I know she can't handle it. So I am gonna suck it up and spare her.

But i relive it every single time, every single day. And the fact that I can not really talk about it, makes it so much harder. I have tried talking about it with boyfriends but after I briefly explain to them what. The next time I try to bring it up, I always get: yeah you told me that. In other words; i know, don't bring it up again. And it again makes me feel so ashamed. Like I am not supposed to have these feelings or that I should just stay silent about it. While it is such a very present thing for me, up till this day.

I dont know. Guess writing it down helped a little.
Sorry

just curious how old your brother was and did he truly understand how wrong this is. either way it was inappropriate and you should not feel guilty. and as for your body it was probably just sibling teasing and he didn't mean to be that hurtful. it is good to talk this out if it bothers you. can you talk to a therapist it may help. and of course you can open up here you will never be judged, and if you feel more comfortable message someone so you can talk privately. if you ever need to talk my inbox is always open....mike...

 

[EmB]

Hey there,

This is the kind of thing you should never be ashamed of. I experienced something similar, where I lied about it, never told anyone and felt this overwhelming shame and guilt and a huge array of horrible feelings. It took me a long time to realise that it's nothing to do with you, only your abuser. And making that separation set me free. It's different for different people, I know, but that's my experience.

I know how crushing and heavy something like that is, so I want you to know where others have turned you away, we never, ever will. Talk about it as much as you want, even if you end up repeating yourself. You've been made to feel as if you can't talk about it your whole life, and yet you still managed to come to us, and for that you should be so proud of yourself - it takes a ton of courage to do that.

We will never turn you away, so please, talk as much as you like. We care - and we'll be here as much as we can to support you.

Sending mega hugs

Em

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

This makes me really sad. You should be able to talk about this freely without judgment. I wish you did have more support offline. At least you know you can talk here, and people will always be around to help and support you.