I'm not sure what to do with myself anymore.
I feel like I'm completely lost in myself. I don't remember the last time I was really happy. I don't feel anything anymore except for pain and sadness.
I've fallen down my own personal rabbit hole once more and I've always known if I fell again I wouldn't be able to pull myself back up and out. I can fake happiness, I've been doing it for years. My eyes sparkle and my mouth stretches into a perfect smile and no one knows it's a just a gross parody of what I've been seeing my entire life. A pretty mask I made up in order to mimic the masses.
I've felt dead for years and the only thing that keeps me walking this earth is the thought of how selfish I've always personally believed suicide to be. How much longer can that keep me going however? How much longer can I coast on that idea, that thought, that belief?
I was on the verge of ending it all today. Of just embracing the darkness that waits for me at the end of my too long life and finally being at peace. Finally having the quiet I have always craved. The relief from the voices in my head that whisper their insidious words incessantly until I can't help but believe what they say.
"You're not good enough. You've never been good enough. Even your mother doesn't love you how can you think anyone else will?"
"You're not for love, you're just for fun."
"Worthless."
"Helpless."
"Hopeless..." well... almost. There's something inside of me that says there is hope. I'm beginning to have a harder and harder time believing that though.
I'm in pain and I have no one to whom I can turn. I have no resources, I have no insurance and barely make enough money to cover rent let alone pay for a professional listener. The friends I thought I had have left me. My family doesn't care about my pain and doesn't know about my depression because they all have their own struggles and I'm supposed to be the strong one. I can't bring myself to vocalize these things to a helpline, the last time I tried they referred me to a professional listener as if I could afford it, and there aren't any chat helplines that I can find.
My life, my world, is shattered and broken. I'm tired, exhausted, drained from all the years of trudging blindly forward in the vain hope that things might get better. Some days... all the some days that I've lived for that have yet to come. Mentally I've checked out but physically I'm still here.
I don't understand the point of this anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep on going when I can barely muster the energy necessary to get out of bed in the morning. This life just drags inexorably on for me with no hope of escape. Even trying to start over just ended things for me. I've made the sincere attempts to change things for myself. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friendships, and a new place with little money and a dead end job to show for it. I have nothing.
Everything I do makes it worse, digs the hole a little deeper until I can't climb out. I need help... I want help, and I have nowhere else to turn. I just want to be happy, to be normal. I just need to know that it will end before I die, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
This is my last ditch effort... the very last attempt I'm willing to make.
Please tell me that it gets better than this. Even if it's a lie. I'm willing to be lied into complacency, anything that makes me numb to the pain of carrying on.
I feel like I'm completely lost in myself. I don't remember the last time I was really happy. I don't feel anything anymore except for pain and sadness.
I've fallen down my own personal rabbit hole once more and I've always known if I fell again I wouldn't be able to pull myself back up and out. I can fake happiness, I've been doing it for years. My eyes sparkle and my mouth stretches into a perfect smile and no one knows it's a just a gross parody of what I've been seeing my entire life. A pretty mask I made up in order to mimic the masses.
I've felt dead for years and the only thing that keeps me walking this earth is the thought of how selfish I've always personally believed suicide to be. How much longer can that keep me going however? How much longer can I coast on that idea, that thought, that belief?
I was on the verge of ending it all today. Of just embracing the darkness that waits for me at the end of my too long life and finally being at peace. Finally having the quiet I have always craved. The relief from the voices in my head that whisper their insidious words incessantly until I can't help but believe what they say.
"You're not good enough. You've never been good enough. Even your mother doesn't love you how can you think anyone else will?"
"You're not for love, you're just for fun."
"Worthless."
"Helpless."
"Hopeless..." well... almost. There's something inside of me that says there is hope. I'm beginning to have a harder and harder time believing that though.
I'm in pain and I have no one to whom I can turn. I have no resources, I have no insurance and barely make enough money to cover rent let alone pay for a professional listener. The friends I thought I had have left me. My family doesn't care about my pain and doesn't know about my depression because they all have their own struggles and I'm supposed to be the strong one. I can't bring myself to vocalize these things to a helpline, the last time I tried they referred me to a professional listener as if I could afford it, and there aren't any chat helplines that I can find.
My life, my world, is shattered and broken. I'm tired, exhausted, drained from all the years of trudging blindly forward in the vain hope that things might get better. Some days... all the some days that I've lived for that have yet to come. Mentally I've checked out but physically I'm still here.
I don't understand the point of this anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep on going when I can barely muster the energy necessary to get out of bed in the morning. This life just drags inexorably on for me with no hope of escape. Even trying to start over just ended things for me. I've made the sincere attempts to change things for myself. Now I have a failed marriage, lost friendships, and a new place with little money and a dead end job to show for it. I have nothing.
Everything I do makes it worse, digs the hole a little deeper until I can't climb out. I need help... I want help, and I have nowhere else to turn. I just want to be happy, to be normal. I just need to know that it will end before I die, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
This is my last ditch effort... the very last attempt I'm willing to make.
Please tell me that it gets better than this. Even if it's a lie. I'm willing to be lied into complacency, anything that makes me numb to the pain of carrying on.