The Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.' 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.' Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along. Leroy! A woman walks into the Mississippi welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "WOW!" the social workerexclaims. "Are they all yours?'' "Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'." In disbelief, the case worker. "Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?" Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yells, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yells 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yells Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Then I calls them by their last names." A few Tips on Surviving the Global Economic Meltdown Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. It your wife’s Birthday - An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr. KVL 741Y HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again. DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. Christmas 2009 - SAVE money and electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. The kids will love it! HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit. CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes. MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs. SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.