Let's play "put a time frame on this grief"

[Walker]

Ok, I'm just being a monster but really, I'm trying to get an idea of where one might expect to be in the time frame of 2 months after losing a brother to suicide.

*Brother and sister are quite close as kids as they're very close in age, share a room as kids, hang out a lot, tell each other everything, etc
*Brother moves away almost 10 years ago to another state
*He also becomes distant for various reasons in the last 5 years paring down their relationship to practically a handful of texts and a couple of calls a year. Clearly they are all about each other. There's no love lost between them, it's just the way it's working out with time, distance, relationships, alcoholism, etc.

Brother suicides 2 months ago. Sister is a freaking wreck now and still can't function during a day without crying numerous times and breaking down periodically. There are also episodic bouts of rage, directed at me, but in reality they're about the anger related to the death.

*I* think we should be past a point where this is 24/7 conversation myself. Am I just a jerk?? I feel like we should be able to ... I don't know.. watch a movie together without a crying jag in there stopping it 3 times. Like we should be able to function a *little* for even part of a day. Hold a conversation about something else in the world - the kids school, the events of the world, shit going on at work, etc. But alas, no, there is none of that without it leading pretty quickly on back to her brother.

I'm trying to "be there". I'm trying to be supportive. I'm tired. I'm really tired.

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that this is happening.

Not an expert in the grieving process, but it seems like people need whatever time they need, and the process is not the same for everyone.

Losing her brother is going to be especially bad for her because of how close they were, and the fact that he died via suicide. The suicide part is what is going to make her feel especially guilty about it... I think surviving loved-ones always feel like they should have seen it coming and done more.

Grief counseling would probably be a good idea, if she isn't in it already.

Couples counseling might be a good idea too.

If she's not on meds, that might be helpful too.

She has needs, but so do you, hopefully that is something that you can work out. Maybe the way to look at this is that if you can eventually get through this, you'll probably have a deeper, stronger relationship than ever before.

I wonder if it would be therapeutic for her to spend some time on SF (or other suicide sites, or volunteer on a hotline). She can't save her brother, but she might be able to help somebody else's brother, or support someone in a similar position.

Rather than trying to get her to talk about something else, it might be better for you to spend a little time away for your own sanity. You're not wrong to want to do something other than talk about her brother, it's just that she's not able to do anything other than that right now.

 

[AlexiMarie7]

I think there are too many variables to accurately ever really say when and what to "expect". The suicide element and them being somewhat distant (though still caring for each other) may make it harder for her.

Some form of therapy would likely be helpful for her. Has she seen a doctor? It can help her progress along, while also giving her another outlet, ie. taking some of the load off of you for a bit.

Every one is different entirely in manner and duration of grief. It's really a process, and even when you think it is mostly gone or better, there may still be dates or events/shows/memories that trigger some bouts of sadness. I can share a couple of anecdotes in private if you want a few random examples of 'times'.

Maybe a professional may have "loose" time frames or ranges for what sort of progress they would like to aim for with each client. But, two months sounds pretty fresh to me.
Good that you've been there for her. Try to be patient, but encourage her to get some help.

 

[Walker]

Thanks for the replies, both of you.... @AlexiMarie7 & @may71
I wrote this when I was just so frustrated with being screamed at all the time. Every day is exactly the same - she wakes up yelling and pissed off and goes to bed the same way. Same thing for all the hours in between and I'm trapped there in the middle of it.
She won't take any meds - and boy does she need them! She needed them before this, trust me. She knows it, I know it, it's not a secret. She claims ALL OF THEM give her nightmares. She'll kill me in my sleep if I point out that she's got them already... We've tried a couple since we've been together though and they don't last more than a few months and she bails on them citing sleep disturbance.
She also won't go talk to anyone. She's one of those smarty pants types No, but really she's got a degree in psych so she feels like she'll be just as slick as they are and they won't be able to help her. I disagree but there's no arguing with this chick. I've thought about going alone. Will that even do any good? Cause I'm not all about the shrinks and we do not have the cash for that if it's not gonna do an exponential amount of good.
My mother's death was a suicide so I realize these deaths are especially crappy. I do get all that. I'm trying to help her process through it all at her own speed. Even the other people around us are tripping on her and how slow the progress seems to be (*all day*, *every day*??).
Thanks for your input. Still kicking along.

 

[AlexiMarie7]

It may not help if she is feeling pressure from all around to 'hurry up' and get over it, but she does have to try.

Maybe you can remind her that even therapists need therapists, so having the degree in it may not be equivalent to being able to go it alone.

Going on your own may be worth a shot, perhaps specifically to ask how best to deal with and help her, without causing you any (further) harm. It's rough for you too and it could be good to get some more input on healthy ways for you to cope.

Sorry about your mom as well. Rough times--I hope it improves soon.

 

[may71]

Thanks for the replies, both of you....

You're welcome!

I wrote this when I was just so frustrated with being screamed at all the time.

It's one thing if she's just sad a lot, another if she is being hostile to you. Was she like that before her brother's death?

 

[JmpMster]

@avalanchefan95

Just a couple thoughts though I agree pretty much with everything said above. This is not "any 2 months" if it is still going now- it is the holiday season wher epeopel tend to be triggered about losses from any time in past. My wife cries every Christmas about her mother and sister and has been 8 years and 5 years, but is Christmas and time peopel think about family- much less the first Christmas after.

That said, you are not wrong at all to feel like you do. You are also allowed ot just say "I am so rry, but i can;t do this- if I start to feel that bad again then it hurts too much so I cannot sit here with you for this for my own sanity" or however way you wan tot word it to explain she is greiving in her way and you are / were in yours and you will try not to judge, but expect the same courtesies.

 

[Walker]

It's one thing if she's just sad a lot, another if she is being hostile to you. Was she like that before her brother's death?

Yeah she was kind of hostile before this but it's worse now. It's just a mess now. Honestly, just recently some days are better outwardly because it's not aggressive 24 hours non stop scrapping. But there are still blow ups nearly every day. Every day? I'm not made for this shit.

 

[Walker]

@NYJmpMaster - you're right, Christmas was just especially difficult & once that passed things settled down a tiny bit but it's still a lot going on here. I'm not made for fighting all the time. And fighting about *nothing* is weird to me. I've never been with someone I've fought with. Seriously. Even at break up time with people it's pretty amicable for the most part. I'm just not cool with it. I feel like she's driving me to an early grave - a heart attack from stress or something. It's messed up.
You say to leave but she's so whacked that leaving sets her off too. So staying around keeps the fight going & leaving says her off more as well. It's no win. Go figure *that* one out.

 

[JmpMster]

Sorry is such a difficult thing to deal with. You are better person then me perhaps- I just leave and if is issue so be it cause is not my issue/not effecting me at that point.

 

[Freya]

I think that it is reasonable - more than reasonable - to have a conversation with her about the impact of this on you and your children. She is a grown adult and she needs to take some responsibility for her own recovery here; it is not acceptable for her to say "no I won't see a doctor and get meds" and expect you and your children to just deal with the state she is in. It is okay for her to grieve but it is not okay for her to inflict this kind of pain and stress on her family. To be honest I would take the position with her that if she will not help herself then if/when she gets herself into a state you will remove yourself/your kids from that kind of toxic stress until she has it together. That you are willing to be supportive but not if she will not help herself.

Just my view.