I can't send this to him because he's gone, but I just hope he had faith in me that I'd be okay in the end, and didn't worry too much about me...and knew that I loved him, most importantly.
Daddy,
I just need you to know that I love you so much and always will. I'm sorry I couldn't make it over there to see you before you passed. It's always going to be my biggest regret in life, and I know that it's all my fault. I'm sorry I made the stupid decisions that I've made, and I'm most definitely sorry for any pain or worry I may have caused you. I've made so many mistakes in life that I know you would have never wanted me to make...that you wouldn't have allowed me to make, for that matter, if you could have only been there. I know that once you saw how absolutely fucked my mentality had become with Nick around, you would have never let that continue as long as it did...and I know you'd be there and protect me no matter what it took. Mom said today that you were always hoping I'd come to see you one more time, and it made me instantly break out in tears because I felt like I failed you. If only I didn't do the things that I did, get as fucked up as I did, think the way that I did...I could have been there. But I fucked that up completely, and now that I actually am doing a lot better, you're gone and there's nothing I can about it. I'm sorry that I opened my eyes to reality a little too late. I wanted to be there so badly. I swear to god, I did. I just fucked my life up to the point that I couldn't do much of anything at the time. And I didn't want to tell you what was really going on with me because I didn't want to worry you. I just hope you knew that I wanted to be there and that I loved you so much, still love you, and will always love you...forever and always. I'm sorry that I couldn't be/do better. I'm so sorry, and I hope you forgive me for that.
Daddy,
I just need you to know that I love you so much and always will. I'm sorry I couldn't make it over there to see you before you passed. It's always going to be my biggest regret in life, and I know that it's all my fault. I'm sorry I made the stupid decisions that I've made, and I'm most definitely sorry for any pain or worry I may have caused you. I've made so many mistakes in life that I know you would have never wanted me to make...that you wouldn't have allowed me to make, for that matter, if you could have only been there. I know that once you saw how absolutely fucked my mentality had become with Nick around, you would have never let that continue as long as it did...and I know you'd be there and protect me no matter what it took. Mom said today that you were always hoping I'd come to see you one more time, and it made me instantly break out in tears because I felt like I failed you. If only I didn't do the things that I did, get as fucked up as I did, think the way that I did...I could have been there. But I fucked that up completely, and now that I actually am doing a lot better, you're gone and there's nothing I can about it. I'm sorry that I opened my eyes to reality a little too late. I wanted to be there so badly. I swear to god, I did. I just fucked my life up to the point that I couldn't do much of anything at the time. And I didn't want to tell you what was really going on with me because I didn't want to worry you. I just hope you knew that I wanted to be there and that I loved you so much, still love you, and will always love you...forever and always. I'm sorry that I couldn't be/do better. I'm so sorry, and I hope you forgive me for that.
