Letter to my pdoc

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by AlienBeing, Sep 4, 2012.

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  1. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    You wanted to know how I was feeling and I said that it was not possible to describe how bad I felt with words. I will try to describe it now, even though these words still cannot do the anguish justice:

    I am in terrible, terrible pain and I am utterly alone with it. Pain that nobody can help you with is like that. It doesn't matter who is with you or who is listening because they cannot help you. It is completely isolating.

    My Interstitial Cystitis is becoming unbearable again--an 8/10 on the pain scale. I have been alone with it for decades--no understanding, no treatment, no cure. I just saw yet another urologist who could not help me. They say people with I.C. have a worse quality of life than people with bladder cancer. So I am basically, chronically dying of cancer but without the escape through death at the end and without anyone taking notice of my suffering. And this is just one of the many chronic pains I've endured. I'm so sick of all the physical pain. My body has betrayed me from the start. It shows no outward signs of its troubles yet it does not allow me to live a normal life.

    But most of all I am in indescribable mental anguish--a 10/10 on the pain scale. I have tried everything there is to try all the way to dangerous experimental clinical trials to no avail. I am untreatable, incurable, unsalvageable. I am stressed to the max everyday by the pointlessness of my interminable suffering. Mornings are the worst. I wake up crying that I must face another day--that I must watch and feel the skin of my psyche burn and peel off in putrid curls over and over again with each and every sunrise. My mind has betrayed me from the start, capable of understanding more than most, it is acutely aware of its own suffering. Is it like a killer that is stalking me or like an angel of mercy, promising sweet relief if I can only find the courage to end it all? But that is the problem. I haven't the courage. Or perhaps I think that suffering is something, while oblivion is nothing. Existence is something. Death is nothingness. Pain means that you are alive and have something. I have pain and that is all I have. So whether I choose to end it all or go on, both are equally tragic. I thought that you and MST might save me, or at least save me a little bit, but it was not to be. And now you are as lost on how to help me as I or anyone else. You cannot save me, not even a little bit, but tragically we go on.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    I am sorry you arein so much pain hun I do hope you show this to your pdoc
    Have you seen a pain specialist one that can help you cope with the amt of pain you have to live with
    There is always hope that in future a new medicine comes into play to help you
    make sure you doc refers you to a pain specialist ok hugs
     
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    I have sent it to him. I have tried many pain docs to no avail. Nobody can help me. And so I am utterly alone.
     
  4. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    I'll post the reply from my Gmail friend. ( We met here. His screen name is Vir here but hasn't been around here much lately.)

    My god, that sounds horrible. I wish there was something I could do to help. If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be? Like, what do you think would help make your depression go away?

    I think your depression is a lot worse than mine. I mean, it comes and goes, and when I'm not depressed, I don't really have any other problems aside from ADD. And being a convicted felon on home detention. Ok, so I do have problems, but at least I know ways to make them go away, even if they're not always legal and available to me. But at least one of my problems isn't anxiety. That's actually kind of a problem because I have practically no fear of death, so doing risky or borderline-suicidal things doesn't even affect me. I mean, I figure if the worst that could happen is death, what am I worried about?

    Of course, the worst that can happen is NOT death. That distinction would go to years in prison. When I was in jail, I noticed that they designed the whole system to make it impossible to kill yourself. Like, the hooks that you would hang things on all could turn down if you tried to hang anything on them that was heavier than what you were supposed to hang on them. And they only let you borrow razors for a really short time. And if you stopped eating, they'd strap you down and force feed you. Compared to that shit, the death penalty is merciful.

    I replied:

    What do I want? What would make my depression go away? If I knew that I would do it or get it or be it. But I've tried everything over the decades of suffering from it--relationships, achievements, learning, making good money, hobbies, pets and animals, volunteering to help others, taking care of my physical health extremely well with diet and exercise, meditation, 10 different medications, TMS, MST, upteen kinds of psychotherapy with dozens of doctors, support workers and recreational therapy, drinking, giving up trying and just resting. A lot of them help a little for awhile but inevitably, I sink back into the quagmire of depression. I will never escape its clutches. It has me for life. What often seems to happen is that I'll be doing well until a new chronic pain problem arises and then I'll spend 2 or 3 years finding the solution to it or at least reducing the agony of it and in the meantime getting more and more depressed--like with my back or my skin or the chronic headaches and shoulder pains. I get the problem under control, get my life together and then develop a new condition. The latest one is the neurological problem. Would I be less depressed if I lived in a beautiful place where the weather was always perfect, had people who loved me dearly, achieved all my dreams, had plenty of money, wonderful pets, interesting fun hobbies, was helping thousands of people with my work, felt wonderful physically, was in great shape, meditated every morning, didn't need any medications or doctors or drugs or escapes and got plenty or rest? Probably. Sounds like utopia though and I think I'd have to be not depressed to begin with to work towards any of them.

    As far as there being things worse than death--there are a lot of things worse than death, like getting injured instead. I wish I had gone under for the MST and never woken up, rather than having to live with yet another chronic pain condition. I risked everything to cure my depression and lost. I think that this has contributed to a worsening of my depression for sure. I'm definitely at an all time low, thinking the only reasonable thing to do now is carefully and rationally plan a peaceful way out of life because I'm just beyond being able to cope with it anymore. I would have been better off not doing MST at all, rather than getting my hopes up, only to end up in an even worse situation. And I still haven't got an appointment with a neurologist. Thanks everyone. Thanks a lot. I'll be sure to risk life an limb again in a clinical trial to help all of humanity real soon.

    Yes, prison could be worse than death. I've never been there but what I also think is that I'm not sure how much my life would actually differ from the prison I'm in now, except perhaps I'd have more people to deal with and terrible people at that. I think that would be the worst part--all the terrible people, both the inmates and the guards. At least I don't have that in this particular prison.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2012
  5. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    I wish there was someone here who could relate to this. i must truly be an "alien being" with thoughts, feelings and experiences so far outside the norm that not a soul can say they feel or think the same way or have the same problems. It is utterly isolating.
     
  6. solardust

    solardust Member

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    I feel the same way,and relate in more ways then I can count,the chronic pain makes us sisters and depression binds us,its so hard to find anything good when pain blocks.out the sun,I hqve isolated myself as much as possible,because faking as become impossible,my face is drawn,so whenI have to go in public people stare,I want to put a sign on my back ,I HURT,its like having your leg in a.bear trap,and trying to chew yourself free.I hear stories of how brave people turn it around,and think I mustbe a coward,which makes.me.feel like dirt,I'm tired,I feel as if I have to beg my doc when I go in for my pain meds,for Gods sake all my MRI tell the story,my spine looks.like I jumped out of a plane w/ no parachute,the doc brings upmy heart issues,all I can think is ,had I known what was in store for me,I would have never gone to the ER that night,I wish and pray for both of us,and all the other souls that suffer in endless pain,a cure.I hope you feel as if you have a sister in me,because from the moment you welcomed me to this site ,I felt as if you are mine.Diana
     
  7. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Re: Letter to my pdoc--how I'm feeling.

    Thanks solardust. I don't know why there aren't more chronic pain with depression types here. I suppose it might be the age factor. Not as many middle aged and elderly people turn to internet forums as young people.

    What do you mean by this? What happened in the ER?

    I wish I had never gone for MST treatment myself. Then I wouldn't be dealing with yet another new, undiagnosed chronic pain condition. Sucks how doctors sometimes just make things worse instead of better.
     
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