Liking depression... is it possible?
- Thread starter silverlilly
- Start date
- Status
I remember when I first went to University, I spent the first year without any friends being really sad, miserable and lonely. I'm not very good at making friends you see as I never did as a child. Eventually after about 18 months I finally made a friend and we went to a disco in my hall of residence and I actually pulled a really nice lass! I was so happy, I was even going back to her place but first I had to go back to my room to fetch my wallet.
Walking back to my room I was so excited and happy, but then I thought hold on this isn't right, this isn't who I am, this is not real. I went into my room, ran across it and jumped head first into the wardrobe door. There was a bit of a commotion outside the room cause the noise could be heard down the corridor, but I was just curled up on the floor thinking that everything outside my room was unreal and crazy whereas I was the one who was happy and safe. And I really was happy, because the experience was real, that was who I was. That was how things were meant to be.
So 20 years later, still alone, sad and occasionally a bit crazy, what have I learned from it, what advice can I give? Dunno really. I guess I'm depressed because I see myself as being a depressed person and I think I'm lonely because I see myself as being a lonely person. Maybe if 20 years ago I started to see myself as someone who could overcome a few problems, then maybe I would have become someone who overcame a few problems?
So now I believe that if you're depressed you shouldn't see yourself as being a "depressed person" it's a part of you, but if kindness is part of you then why not see yourself as a "kind person", if you love anyone then see yourself as a "loving person". I think it's about creating different 'comfort zones' as mentioned earlier, I used to be a "depressed person" so that is the zone I retreated to, now I try to think of myself as a "clever person" (I beg people not to destroy this illusion of mine!) so I tend to retreat into a book and am happy reading and talking a load of bollocks about freewill and fate etc., maybe one day I'll be a kind person or a loving person and retreat into these zones too. If only I'd started doing it 20 years ago.
Walking back to my room I was so excited and happy, but then I thought hold on this isn't right, this isn't who I am, this is not real. I went into my room, ran across it and jumped head first into the wardrobe door. There was a bit of a commotion outside the room cause the noise could be heard down the corridor, but I was just curled up on the floor thinking that everything outside my room was unreal and crazy whereas I was the one who was happy and safe. And I really was happy, because the experience was real, that was who I was. That was how things were meant to be.
So 20 years later, still alone, sad and occasionally a bit crazy, what have I learned from it, what advice can I give? Dunno really. I guess I'm depressed because I see myself as being a depressed person and I think I'm lonely because I see myself as being a lonely person. Maybe if 20 years ago I started to see myself as someone who could overcome a few problems, then maybe I would have become someone who overcame a few problems?
So now I believe that if you're depressed you shouldn't see yourself as being a "depressed person" it's a part of you, but if kindness is part of you then why not see yourself as a "kind person", if you love anyone then see yourself as a "loving person". I think it's about creating different 'comfort zones' as mentioned earlier, I used to be a "depressed person" so that is the zone I retreated to, now I try to think of myself as a "clever person" (I beg people not to destroy this illusion of mine!) so I tend to retreat into a book and am happy reading and talking a load of bollocks about freewill and fate etc., maybe one day I'll be a kind person or a loving person and retreat into these zones too. If only I'd started doing it 20 years ago.
Last edited by a moderator:
Let me reassure you that it is'nt you who want's to be depressed it's the depression totally doing it and because you've been so used to this feeling it may feel like in a way that you're the cause.But it's definitely not true,you'll have guilt as part of the depression but don't take it to heart that it is you.
depression, being dark... it is familiar territory, we know it. It's like that old pair of baggy-ass, worn out pj's or something, no one would want to keep them but they are so comfortable. When a person gets used to being depressed it's not a challenge to be that way... there is no risk of failing. Nobody tries to be depressed and ends up happy instead. It's the same principle as people who self sabotage because they understand failing better than success... success and happiness require some risk.
It may be that we like depression, cuz that does feel "normal" to us. We can be in touch with our feeling...they are all over us, and all we have. See, many of us can relate to your emotions.
My friends (2) tells me that you have to make the decision in your mind and for your life if you truely like being depresssed or if you want to get rid of the depression that is controlling you.
That is just what i've heard. Hope this helps
My friends (2) tells me that you have to make the decision in your mind and for your life if you truely like being depresssed or if you want to get rid of the depression that is controlling you.
That is just what i've heard. Hope this helps
Yes, makes sense. I've been like this for most of my life so I don't know any other way to live or exist. I like my way. It gives me strength and meaning. It's my identity. My sister, the only significant person in my life, tells me I should just be myself and others will come to me, but... this is myself! I don't want to be suicidal, and I don't believe I really am, but depression is so much a part of me I can't let it be. Even in my best moments, it's still a part of me. It's who I am and I hate hiding it, but as an adult in the real world, I don't have much choice. But, yes, it certainly makes sense.
Actually, let me add more. I don't know if you're a kid after some attention or whatever the case may be. But, things do change. I just joined this forum, but I suspect there are alot of dumb kids here that are just going through the typical "teenage years" and want some attention. I went through them too, and yes, they were excruciating, but they ended once adult-hood set it in. And adult-hood sets in quick and never lets up, so enjoy your "kid years" while ya got 'em! Regardless, darkness and depression can, over time, become part of your personality, and can define who you are. You shouldn't be ashamed of it. But don't let it kill you. If you're a dumb kid and suicidal, do whatever it takes to get help! If you're older and almost every outlet has been exhausted, then, well, do what you honestly feel needs to be done.
Actually, let me add more. I don't know if you're a kid after some attention or whatever the case may be. But, things do change. I just joined this forum, but I suspect there are alot of dumb kids here that are just going through the typical "teenage years" and want some attention. I went through them too, and yes, they were excruciating, but they ended once adult-hood set it in. And adult-hood sets in quick and never lets up, so enjoy your "kid years" while ya got 'em! Regardless, darkness and depression can, over time, become part of your personality, and can define who you are. You shouldn't be ashamed of it. But don't let it kill you. If you're a dumb kid and suicidal, do whatever it takes to get help! If you're older and almost every outlet has been exhausted, then, well, do what you honestly feel needs to be done.
Last edited by a moderator:
I registered to this forum specifically so I can post in this thread. This is a very familiar thing that I thought I would be better off in. I thought that this dark, depressed attitude was just plain me growing up and finding my identity. Yes, there was some stuff affecting it like getting rejected from a girl for the umpteenth time, my parents constantly fighting, my mother going to cheat on my dad, and my dad yelling at me and my brother, but I thought that this little area of black was my own. I was "the goth" of my group because I wrote dark poetry, wore nothing but black, told self deprecating jokes, pointed out the worst in things and I had fun with it. Only thing though is that over the years, things got worst, and my depression only grew deeper until it became something that engulfed me. I went insane for the first time in my life and suddenly, this cozy little area that I enjoyed just grew colder and colder and I didn't want to be a part of it anymore, but the thing is that there was some part of me that believed that I enjoyed being in there.
I go out with my friends, we have fun, we enjoy the time that we have with each other, but I always hold myself back from having as much fun as everyone else. I avoid being as social as I can, I avoid taking part in pictures or any other fun event that I could've partook. I keep wondering why I do this to myself and after so long, I only recently figured out why. It's not because it was what I was used to, but because it was so much easier to stay there, than to climb out and enjoy life. The moment we open ourselves up to happiness, we open ourselves up to hope and for the majority the people in this forum, myself included, hope is a foreign concept. At some point in our life, having hope betrayed. Holding on to that little flicker of life, fighting to keep it alive, only to have some shmuck blow it out and have everything turn black again. It's like hope turned around and took a shit in our faces.
Hope betrayed us and we're afraid to open ourselves up to it again. I'm included in this. Whenever someone tells me something that's going on great in their lives, I feel upset rather than happy. Even for my best of friends, good news for them, I treat as if they are trying to shove it in my face and I become angry. It's because I'm still trying to climb out of my dark little hole. A few years ago, I would have stumbled endlessly and given up. Hell, a few years ago, I did give up. I'm still trying to climb out, day after day, and change myself into someone who could be happier. Even if that means eventually opening myself to something that kicked me in the ass then spat on me and left me to rot. Hope.
Basic message is that living in a world of darkness is not healthy. You can pretend that it is, but eventually, you'll learn that all the things in life that you should be getting, you won't be getting because of it.
I go out with my friends, we have fun, we enjoy the time that we have with each other, but I always hold myself back from having as much fun as everyone else. I avoid being as social as I can, I avoid taking part in pictures or any other fun event that I could've partook. I keep wondering why I do this to myself and after so long, I only recently figured out why. It's not because it was what I was used to, but because it was so much easier to stay there, than to climb out and enjoy life. The moment we open ourselves up to happiness, we open ourselves up to hope and for the majority the people in this forum, myself included, hope is a foreign concept. At some point in our life, having hope betrayed. Holding on to that little flicker of life, fighting to keep it alive, only to have some shmuck blow it out and have everything turn black again. It's like hope turned around and took a shit in our faces.
Hope betrayed us and we're afraid to open ourselves up to it again. I'm included in this. Whenever someone tells me something that's going on great in their lives, I feel upset rather than happy. Even for my best of friends, good news for them, I treat as if they are trying to shove it in my face and I become angry. It's because I'm still trying to climb out of my dark little hole. A few years ago, I would have stumbled endlessly and given up. Hell, a few years ago, I did give up. I'm still trying to climb out, day after day, and change myself into someone who could be happier. Even if that means eventually opening myself to something that kicked me in the ass then spat on me and left me to rot. Hope.
Basic message is that living in a world of darkness is not healthy. You can pretend that it is, but eventually, you'll learn that all the things in life that you should be getting, you won't be getting because of it.
In the last post I read... "Whenever someone tells me something that's going on great in their lives, I feel upset rather than happy... and I become angry."
However, when people fall in love, are happy and content I think that's great because they've found the happiness that I could never have, and although I feel sad about my own life I wish them all the best because love and joy are good things and we need more of it in the world.
But then I hate them, really, really hate them,
But then the next day I am so happy for them and their joy inspires me.
Am I a good person?
Am I a bad person?
Am I a just a slightly odd person?
However, when people fall in love, are happy and content I think that's great because they've found the happiness that I could never have, and although I feel sad about my own life I wish them all the best because love and joy are good things and we need more of it in the world.
But then I hate them, really, really hate them,
But then the next day I am so happy for them and their joy inspires me.
Am I a good person?
Am I a bad person?
Am I a just a slightly odd person?
it sometimes feels i was destined to be unhappy and depressed, so sometimes when i feel a bit happy i try to "wake myself up", realise this is not who i really am,that i am just fooling myself...Anyway my theory is that when u are depressed for a long time u forget what the real cause of your unhappiness is.So, u tend to blame it all on life and people, and how this fucking world works.You think that the reason for your but also everybody's unhappiness is the way the "happy" people act and behave, the disrespect they show, the way they are having fun.As a result when u start doing the same things and get that little taste of ordinary happiness u realise that u had been fooling yourself and you are being one of THEM, that perhaps sb else is now depressed coz of u...
For example, i was depressed for a large period of time.Everyday i was so stressed about socialising and stuff, i sucked with girls [i still do].So being shy and uneasy i hated people who had social lives and could go to a club,have fun, hit on girls succesfully and stuff.As a result i hated clubs.And i made up reasons for hating clubs..I hated the "cheap" music, i hated the fact that u had to get drank and smoke or even get drugs to "have fun", i hated the people who are dumb and have never read a book in their whole miserable lives, i hated the girls that dressed up like sluts just to gain confidence and then they complain about that "jerk that slept with them and never called back" and so on...I hated clubs and i hated having fun in general...So some time ago i had to go to a nightclub for sb's birthday and i drunk,i danced at that cheasy cheap music, i flirted with girls etc...I left the place feeling GREAT...But after hours i realised that this is not me.I betrayed everything i believed in and i was feeling humiliating although all the girls responsed well to my flirting....And that s because i never had the guts to realise that the problem was mine in the first place..
Anyway sorrry for being too long but this is an interesting thread.I always thought i was the only one addicted to depression
For example, i was depressed for a large period of time.Everyday i was so stressed about socialising and stuff, i sucked with girls [i still do].So being shy and uneasy i hated people who had social lives and could go to a club,have fun, hit on girls succesfully and stuff.As a result i hated clubs.And i made up reasons for hating clubs..I hated the "cheap" music, i hated the fact that u had to get drank and smoke or even get drugs to "have fun", i hated the people who are dumb and have never read a book in their whole miserable lives, i hated the girls that dressed up like sluts just to gain confidence and then they complain about that "jerk that slept with them and never called back" and so on...I hated clubs and i hated having fun in general...So some time ago i had to go to a nightclub for sb's birthday and i drunk,i danced at that cheasy cheap music, i flirted with girls etc...I left the place feeling GREAT...But after hours i realised that this is not me.I betrayed everything i believed in and i was feeling humiliating although all the girls responsed well to my flirting....And that s because i never had the guts to realise that the problem was mine in the first place..
Anyway sorrry for being too long but this is an interesting thread.I always thought i was the only one addicted to depression
I know, being use to feeling depressed really is horrible. Because it's confusing. You don't want to be depressed but there you are depressed, then for awhile you get use to it and then you only know your depression and despair. Anything else is some kind of disorientation of your life that may occur. Since you got use to it, you can get un-use to it too maybe. Just like any type of "bad habit".
- Status