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long term plans, not so good

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by notyet, May 21, 2014.

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  1. notyet

    notyet New Member

    I can't sleep, my brain won't turn off. Just recognized I am depressed again last week. I had gone over a year. Over recent months my anxiety has been getting worse and worse until I was sitting in the floor of my shower last week crying for an hour thinking of all the ways to end things. Saw a TED talk about jumpers at the Golden Gate Bridge the next day and realized, "oh yeah, this is depression again, not just stress". Things got better over the weekend by getting out and doing things (that's the odd part, I've never been depressed but still motivated) but then today I've been 'blah' and as the night has dragged on and I can't sleep I have gotten lower and lower. Once I concluded that I will kill myself once my parents pass away (most likely in the next few to ten years) and couldn't stop crying, I started looking for support groups and found this forum.

    I feel surrounded by people who don't have a second thought for how their actions effect others and I am tired of it. I don't feel like anyone cares. I'm killing myself trying to deal with everything for everyone and no one helps. "I love you" are just empty words spoken too often workout sincerity.

    Work, husband, kids, siblings, all of them. The only people who truly care are my parents and they aren't going to be around that much longer.

    Saturday I told my husband I'm depressed and was thinking about suicide last week and he blew it off saying "those are just intrusive thoughts, it's normal, I get them all the time". He's never had therapy. I've had years of therapy, medication, hospitalization, etc.

    I thought I had cracked my mental health issues by identifying MAJOR issues with foods I had eaten all my life, but here we are. It is a much different sort of depression though. I didn't even recognize it at first. I know I need to get back into therapy. I don't want to be on toxic mess again though. They never worked that well anyway. :-/
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If it is a different type of depression though maybe the pills will help this type You said you were under a lot of stress that can cause chemical unbalance in brain so meds will work
    I do hope you get some therapy as it does help to talk about ones emotions and you have nonjudgmental care ok Your kids love you the thing is they don't show it and hsb well he does not know how to deal with depression thus why he puts it off as intrusive thoughts he married you because he love you right depression makes us think things that are not so
    hope you get therapy you need and deserve soon
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