Losing control of the anger inside

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Quietboy, Jan 17, 2014.

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  1. Quietboy

    Quietboy New Member

    I think the worse thing for me about telling others about my problem is that even though I know deep in my heart I do have a serious problem, I'm always scared of "going over" while telling and becoming indulgent. I guess that's a start to my depression - I care too much about how others see me. That's just one of the symptoms/causes. All my life since I was a kid, I've felt anxiety attacks over little matters. It's almost funny, I could want to throw myself out a window or want to kill someone (no seriously, I went to the kitchen to get a kitchen knife) just because they messed up something minor in my life. It's something I call "storm in a teacup" syndrome. Then when I am calmer, i feel embarrassed and silly for feeling that way. (This started since I was about 9-12?) When i was 17, i threw a chair across the classroom because i was feeling frustrated at homework. There is a certain melodrama to my behavior which i am embarrassed about when i am lucid. But now that all this has followed me to adulthood, I realize it's actually a real and serious problem. Even today, when i accidentally offend someone, it hurts me more than the other person. I take it very hard and often think about how hopeless I am in life. I feel like I'm very mentally abusive to myself but can't control it.

    I googled my symptoms and found that it's possible i suffer from borderline personality disorder or spiltting (where I see things in black and white and not grey.) I don't know how serious that is, but I guess that's why I am here. I just offended my partner accidentally and he's really mad at me now and won't talk to me. I immediately sunk into depression and couldn't function. The idea of jumping off a building came to me. I don't think I would've done it, but it disturbs me that I thought of it. Instead of dealing with one stupid small rejection in life, I saw it as life swallowing me up and spitting me out. I can calmly type this right now but when it happened, it was hell, like my mind blanked out and awoke the next second in sheer terror and panic. This is just one of the many little examples in my life that shows how this problem is pulling me down. As I brush my teeth every morning, I look at myself in the mirror. A little memory of myself screwing up socially (eg. I messed up a speech in front of the school when I was 15) pokes itself into my head and I literally yell out "F**k you" to myself. I'm seriously not being dramatic here, it happens pretty often and a good few seconds later before i realize I'm scolding myself aloud. Does this happen normally? It's like I can't let go of every little embarrassment in life and they constantly punish me.

    Anyway, if you're reading this, thanks. Writing about it here and being heard is cathartic. As you can see, I sound like a pretty sane and calm person. But that's what's so frustrating about depression and anxiety attacks - they can affect the calmest people and you never see them coming. There's a part of me that wants to be strong and take charge, and another that is lying down, unable to get up and hoping someone will help me. I wish I knew what to do and didn't feel so lost all the time. Thanks for reading. I hope you are well and if you're not, I hope you will be.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you ever obtained help for your anger hun therapy it helps it does it gives you other means to get rid of the pain inside you DBT therapy helps as well for impulsive reactions you have You deserve help you do and now you are an adult you can reach out to your doctor get some referrals to a good therapist and get healing ok hugs toyou
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