Losing everyone

[Sa Palomera]

I made lovely friends on here over the past months. I had a nice boyfriend for a while. and I met the one girl I've always loved most in my life. It was such a nice summer. I even got to move out. Away from my parents. Oh Joy! It all seemed to be so good.

and now.. I'm losing everything, one by one. First due to circumstances I had to drop out of Uni, then got fired at the job I found after that. Then I lost someone on here I care about so much, but no I had to drive him away. then I lose someone else on here I care about so much. well I didnt loose them, the friendship changed and isnt what is used to be anymore. and that hurts

and now today I've lost 2 of my best mates on here at once. I just lost them. Again cos of my own stupid behaviour. I never meant to cause any trouble and now they're having trouble in their relationship and I'm having trouble in my relationships with both of them

And now I started to care about someone on here too, I was just starting to get to know her and now she went offline, planning to kill herself.. I dont know how to reach her, dont know anyoe online who knows.. but i'm worried..

I've been trying to help everyone so much that I forgot myself. that's why I started drinking and using drugs, which was alright.. until I was stoned and drunk for 3/4 days in a row, without any break in which I was sober. I was just constantly under influence and that nearly killed me. I stopped cos I had 2 people I care about so much on the phone, both crying cos they were hurt by the way I was slowly drinking myself into death. and drugging myself into death. the guy I was on the phone with.. I just ... he never cries. and there he cried. and the girl on the phone.. well I've heard her crying before, but she's the person I care about most in my life and it just breaks my heart everytime I hear her crying. and to know that I caused those tears that day..

I cant take this any longer. I've done so much shit in my life and I deserve all the punishment there is.

Come give it to me, whoever you are. I deserve it. Please kill me... I cant do it myself, please let me die...

 

[kindtosnails]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Here listening if you want to talk hun..and you don't deserve it, not at all. :hug:

 

[Lou]

I'm also here if you want to talk

I know how it feels to feel like your feeling now.

{{{hugs}}} to you x

 

[blub]

Focking hell, I havent been a good friend for ya.
Sorry es, should be there for you :hug:
You mean a lot to me and really you dont deserve punishment
:cheekkiss

 

[Marshmallow]

Hun i know it hurts and i know exactly who your talking about in your post, i know you alot better than you think. You say you can sense when im down, truth you don't allways hun, you might think your hiding the way you feel from me but i know when yor down, thats why i ask you. I might not know about all of your past but i do know about some of it but i know the way you behave hun i know when your feeling low but if i ask you, you just say nothing and that hurts like hell. All i want is for you to talk to me when your feeling down, just like you expect me to when im feeling down. You can't keep burying your own problems by trying to take on others, life doesn't work like that.

You need to face the way your feeling and get the right help. You might not feel you need help and you can deal with it on your own but believe me hun it will get worse if you carry on, remember i've been there and i don't want you to go thru that.

I know who your talking about when you say you lost someone on here, and i know how hard it was for him and you, but hun you was honest with him, and now you know that what you told him about the way you felt about other person wasn't true but hun everyones feelings do change, thats normal. I know that the relationship with him is well ... non exsistent but thats life, you can't change what happened.

About the relationship changing and that hurting, yeah i know it hurts and i know that the relationship we had has completely over the past few weeks. The change has hurt me pretty badly, it kills me everyday. All i want is things to ...... well not go back to the way it was but that would hurt us both ...... but the close friendship to go back to the way it was ..... but somethings standing in the way of that happening and i have an idea of what it might be but im not sure. Hun to be honest ... now days when i try talking to you i feel like im bothering you, seriously it does, i can't explaing it ... its like i get these snappy answers thrown at me .... maybe im taking it the wrong way but thats the way it feels. I would give anything for our relationship to go back to the way it was. seriously anything.

I care so much for ya, you have no idea how much. When you hurt i hurt, i care that much for you. All i want is the friendship we had to go back to what it was, be able to feel that i can talk to you about ANYTHING and the same for you, but right now it doesn't feel like i can do that because i feel like im bothering you every single time i talk to you :sad:

Yeah we did sort things out, im really glad we did, so damn glad. But things aren't what they were and it hurts SOOO much that its not. I've been thur this before with **** and you know how scared that it ends up like that, i would give anything to stop that happening again, i care far to much about you to let that situation happen again.

And like i said the situation about the 2 other mates will sort its self out, don't worry.

I care soo much for ya and i think my recent phone bill proves that :ohmy: :shy:

Love ya hunni,

allways here for ya

Vikkkkkkssssssssssssyyyyy hehe :hug:

ps. ya could help me come up with an answer for what web cam guy asked me :laugh: :laugh:

 

[Sa Palomera]

fuck it. ima block me out now. Done with ranting, venting.... hmpf...

 

[Marshmallow]

Hun don't block ya self out, just gonna make yourself worse :sad:

Please don't :sad:

:hug: