Losing it

[grei]

Hey SF, I haven't been on in a loooooong time! I guess that might be considered a good thing. Anyway, I really need to talk to some people who might understand my state of mind tonight.

Most of my mental illness is centered around sex in some way. It's always kind of freaked me out, and I think its because of how I was raised in combination with my (probable) OCD. I've gradually been getting better. Well, last night I lost my virginity. At the time I wasn't in my right mind and just really numb to it. I guess I agreed to it because I really like the guy (we have been dating for a month now) and I have been in really confused sorts since I broke up with the guy before him (my boyfriend for 3 years).

I've always had great plans for my "first time", but I just wasn't thinking about regret, or anything else, last night. Of course, now that its the next day, I do regret it. I don't really regret who it was with or when it happened or any of that.. What's really hurting me is that I've always expected it to be such a big part of my life that I'd never forget it, but somehow I let it be so forgettable. I hate myself for not telling him that I wanted a little more grandeur than what I got. Even if it was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing, I would be so much less disappointed. But instead I just went along with it.

I thought that I was getting over my mental illnesses and doing really well, but last night I had a lapse of any kind of sense or feeling and I'm paying for it now.

I know I can't do anything about it now, because what's done is done. But how do I deal with my feelings? I plan on telling my boyfriend that he owes me another, better "first time" But beyond that.. how do I make it up to myself?

Edit - I just posted in the Creative Writing forum about this, if you're interested.

 

[Eric]

"The first time" isn't as beautiful as most people make it out to be. It can lead to disappointment from the hypeness surrounding it. I can only assume that the best experience comes until you get comfortable with it enough to experiment. Don't take my word for it though.

 

[grei]

Yeah, I've always known that it wouldn't be exactly magical, but I thought that there'd at least be some kind of acknowledgment that it should be special.

 

[Dave_N]

I'm 27 and still a virgin. I'm kind of waiting for the right girl to do it with. I want my first time to be special, just like you were hoping.

 

[grei]

I was SO sure that I would have no problem waiting, because I really did want it to be special, but something in my brain broke.. I really want to go to a psych and get some diagnosis under my belt, and maybe some help so that I don't keep losing all of my sense at the worst possible times, but I don't think I could handle my family treating me differently if I asked.

 

[SadDude87]

You can't expect sex to be any good if you haven't done it before.

Do you just jump on a bike and ride down a hill? No way. If you tried, you'd be uncomfortable, fall off and probably be turned off bike riding forever. Sex is a skill which has to be learnt like any other.

The magical first time thing is a bunch of unrealitsic shit!

 

[SadDude87]

I'm 27 and still a virgin. I'm kind of waiting for the right girl to do it with. I want my first time to be special, just like you were hoping.

Sorry to say, but prepare to be disapointed. After 27 years you know your body so well, and are so used to your own company learning to enjoy sex will more than likely be quite difficult for you.

 

[shadowheart]

....Sex for the first time....is never going to be magical and amazing. but that doesnt mean that it is something you will forget.....
....you hav to hav sex a few times before you become comfortable enough with it to try new things and find out what works best for you and your man.

but, you could try to focus on the positive of your first time to make it a nicer memory to hav.....

i think the idea of having a new 'first time' is excellent. then it wont be rushed or anything like that. and you can take your time to explore eachother and he can find out how to get you to really connect with him during sex.....
maybe you will actually hav to try to enjoy it. i know that sounds bad, but like. its very easy to just lay there and think. "oh, this is fairly crap....not at all what i expected".....but if you focus your mind on certain things...like the feeling of his breath on your neck or something. you might find it more enjoyable.......

i also know how it feels to be with someone more experienced.....its fairly daunting. but, unless he is fairly mean.....he wont at all be judging you against past lovers. so dont worry about it at all.

sorry if this wasnt any help....i feel like i had a bit of a ramble.....pm if you would like.

hope you feel better soon

 

[Reki]

Sorry to say, but prepare to be disapointed. After 27 years you know your body so well, and are so used to your own company learning to enjoy sex will more than likely be quite difficult for you.

That's not nice, sir.