Loss in Life

I am a 19 year old man living in Loveland, OH, and I am getting ready for college at OSU this week. Many people would view this as the most exciting part of their life. However, my life is completely the opposite. First off, I am what I considered myself as a terrible monster. I am not confident with myself and always find myself deceiving either others or myself, no matter how hard I try to fix that. I also do not have friends that I can be around easily. I do not feel same or similar interest, love, or respect from other people that I see with other people. I feel like an outsider 24/7. I also feel like I am truly irresponsible and have no motivation to be better or find any passion that I can stick to for the rest of my life. Often, my parents say to me that "I am no better or same as a dog," "They wish and regretted that I was born," " Go die," and "You [referencing me] will have no future." Surprisingly, my parents' parents and siblings have somewhat similar problems that I expressed all my life. I distinctly remember that I had major problem with reading and comprehension when I was little (like around 4th grade), and my mother was infuriated that I was not able to comprehend a "simple passage from a simple book." Shortly, my mother was enraged that she picked up a scissor and tried to stab me through the heart. By instinct, I grabbed her hands with the scissor to stop her. Jumping forward, I have been keeping this secret for a long time, and it keeps haunting me after every terrible incident that I may have caused. I cannot seem to live on like this.

I did once have a caring and 'loving' personality when I was little. I would be caring about my parents and try to help them out such as mulching with my father or buying a book or necklace for my mother on Mother's Day. However, all my high school year changed all that significantly. During my 7th and 8th grade year, I did think about suicide once or twice, because I felt that I was being used by other people and that I was too stupid to realize anything for myself, according to my mother. During my Freshmen year at Seven Hills, I was not pleased with my academics, and I was depressed and thought about suicide once. After transferring to Walnut Hills High School for my Sophomore year to my Senior year, I have been threatened about money transaction and involvement with the school and the members involved (FYI, I was having a friend of mine help me buy pen spinning materials); I have been looked down upon more often (comparisons such as to a pig, dog, a mental retard, etc) simply because I cannot "rationalize normally" or anything that my mother would have the perception that I am abnormal and "mentally diseased"; and overall, my parents have given up all hopes on me. I do not blame them for doing so for some things, but I feel like I was psychologically and emotionally hurt. Due to that, I lost self - confidence and self-esteem. During my Sophomore, Junior, and Senior Year, I've thought about suicide at least five times... However, I never got around doing so because I just can't. I am just afraid of dying...

To make things short, my father made a drastic decision that I either decide to go to OSU (which my father will agree to pay the remaining tuition) if and only if I agree to sign his legal contract (about my payment to my 'father' as soon s I graduate or before) or leave this house for good. Either way, my father made it sound like he no longer wants to consider me as part of the family. All my life, my family (more likely my parents) do not see anything good about me. If anything, they are trivial such as having a comical feature or being responsible for garbages, etc). I am sorry, but I am believing that I have no significance in this world. And the world (and my family) will be better off without me. I have been having this thought for years ever since 7th grade. And apprently, I have not changed a single bit, according to my parents. Bottom line, I have a week or less (depending on my decision) from now before I get out of the house. Either way, I am strongly thinking about suicide at OSU, just to make a point for my parents of what they have done to me. Any help or suggestions?

 

Go to school educate yourself get a job move away from your toxic family and start a new life. AT school you can get counseling referral for therapy to help you as well

 

Sounds like you really need professional help to process your traumatic memories. And caring people around you instead of your psychopathic parents!

If you need to talk, we are here for you. :love_heart:

 

you are right about that.