Im still in disbelief. Cannot grasp the reality of my life. One year ago I was full of life, looking forward to a peaceful future. I have never experienced pain or grief, but my life has taken a turn for the absolute worst. I find myself praying for terminal illness every day. I just do not wish to live this life. This is not my life, its been trust upon me by my own hand and God is holding me hostage on this earth. If i dont show growth, forgiveness and love then i feel doomed to eternal condemnation. Guilt and regret consume my mind. Loneliness never leaves my side. My pre occupation with death has become a shameful obsession. My life direction has changed due to the death of my daughter. My identity has been shattered. I have moved across the country to escape the shame and guilt. My family has shunned me and has cast me into exile. I would rather live anyone elses existence but my own. I have encountered victims of rape, molestation, incest, suicide ,murder, and they all say the same thing..."wow i thought i had it rough until i hear your story". That doesnt help. I am not sure what to do, other than to settle in and get comfy in HELL ON EARTH. Or I can continue to let time heal me, which is a euphemism for give your self more time to brainwash yourself so that you can drudge on through this life. You are a hostage now so settle in.